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Stuck In An Impossible Situation.

I live in Minnesota.  My husband lives in NYC.  We've been together for 6+ years and just got married in March.  We're both prior military and are use to prolonged separation, so we stupidly thought accepting jobs 1200+ miles away from one another was a good idea.  The job offers were just too good, we told ourselves, and we're tough, "We'll make it work!". He flies home at least 2 times a month for a weekend. The original plan was to commute for 2 years and then we'll be able to relocate somewhere together as we gain experience and seniority in our respective companies. Its been 8 months, and only 4 since the wedding.  Somehow it feels longer.  In the amount of $ we spend in airfare, the big great jobs don't even seem to be worth it.  I'm originally from FL.  My whole family is there.  He is from NYC.  We both got out of the military 8 months ago and went where we could find jobs, just not together. I think i'm going crazy.  I have no friends, no family, a FL girl stuck in the midwest where it is winter 6 months out of the year.  Why don't I go to NY? Well, it is the one place I never wanted to live.  Too many people and too expensive for a shoebox apartment.  My stubborness and independance contributed greatly to my situation now.  All that aside, I have to barrel through to keep my committment. I have another 16 months to go at the minimum here.  My husband is living with his parents in NY. He does this so I can have the house in MN.  Seems like a good deal, but we are both dealing with extremes.  He is fighting with his family all of the time and wants to get away from them every chance he gets. I'm alone in a big house and would do anything to just see my family.  He works 60+ hours a week and thinks I don't appreciate what he is doing for us.  I work too and feel abandoned practically. 
The separation is starting to get to us both.  He didn't make it home last weekend, because we couldn't afford the flight, airfare goes up and down and we try and buy several trips in a row when it is down.  So our few phone calls this week have been us taking out our frustrations on each other.  Its nasty and no way for newly weds to be.  We both are to blame.  Now i'm in this trap and I don't know what to do.  Any advice on how to be make this work, please i'm ears.  God knows I need some friends right now.

breezer348 breezer348 26-30, F 2 Responses Jun 16, 2011

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Don't take it as some sarcasm, but yes truth is life goes as it's being decided by us. We live lives, we choose for ourselves, so we should take decisions only which we think are worth it, otherwise we end up loosing everything, and become frustrated beings for others, who we feel the closest. So, as per your situation you should decide first whether you can maintain this for so long as you have decided, if you can then try doing it, but my advice would be life, marriage and personal satisfaction in life should come first hand, as a person who is not satisfied with the way he lives can never enjoy the money, doesn't matter how much he/she earns in life. So. first make life happy, feel satisfied, then start thinking of monetary benefits as no-one dies of starvation, but without love and company, life is a hell.

Hi there,



It sounds like both of you are trying to embrace this bad situation by making yourselves suffer as much as possible. You are isolated and friendless, while he is being driven crazy by parents. If you want the long distance marriage to work, you both first have to take care of your own needs. I mean you need to live in a healthy and balanced way, with work/social time/hobbies/etc in equal proportion, and he needs to move out from home. If you want to live in MN, then start a real life there -- make friends and do stuff. It is hard to be loving when you are an "empty cup."



People continue to grow, and if you are living apart with independent lives you will tend to grow apart. This is just a fact. So you should think carefully about how worthwhile this opportunity in MN really is.



-S



p.s. I'm also in a LDM (for the past 2 years).