To Old For This!

I have been married for 36 years to the same man and have spent maybe 16 of those years living together in the same place. He is and engineer and has spent countless hours on the road or working for extended periods of time in other cities/states. We are currently apart, him working/living in West Virginia and me 7 hours away in North Carolina. This has been the case for the past year and a half. We moved to North Carolina 9 years ago to semi-retire, bought our dream retirement home, and made a plan to settle here for the rest of our lives. My husband had a great job when we moved here. He was on the road quite a bit, but we had every weekend together, and there would be weeks when he would be working from home. On occasion I would join him on his trips out of town mainly because he would go to some really nice places - Jamaica, N. C. coast, Charleston, S.C. they were mini vacations for us.

When the economic downturn hit, my husband lost his job. It was scary, but we checked our finances and decided maybe we could go ahead and retire (I was 62 and he was 63). Then an opportunity came up when an engineering firm he had done business with in the past asked for his help with a project they were working on. We decided that since we had done this before, the year he would be away in W. V. would give us the opportunity to feather our nest more comfortably for retirement. It would also give him the opportunity to do occasional contract work once we did retire after his year long assignment was completed. Well, that was over 18 mos. ago, and in August, he was moved up to project manager of the entire job, with a finish date of approx. 2015!

I am heartsick. I am feeling betrayed, resentful, lonely, and just plain pissed off! I can tell my feelings are pouring over into my attitude toward him. I do express my thoughts to him, but he just thinks I should go on with my life here in N.C. and "date" him every three weeks when he comes home for a long weekend. I do take the 7 hour drive up to stay with him on occasion, but it's difficult since I have built a life (and have pets) here in N.C. He was a military brat, so long distance marriage is what he grew up with.

I am actually quite happy with being by myself on occasion, I like alone time. But this is not a period in my life I had looked to being alone on purpose. After 36 years, I thought we had had enough being apart.

Some have said "move up to W.V. with him until his job is finished". This is easier said than done. We have our home here, and it takes upkeep. I am not particularly enraptured with W. V. either. I have a life here in N.C. When I get the feeling maybe I am being selfish, I have to stop and slap myself upside the head! I have raised two children with a long distance dad, moved countless times to accommodate his career, and even lived through his infidelity (another entire story!). I cannot allow myself to feel selfish.

I cannot see how to make the situation better. I have to much invested in the marriage to leave it now. I really do love my husband, and we truly enjoy our time together, but, if my bitterness continues to show in my attitude toward him, I'm not sure where we will end up.
terri11749 terri11749
2 Responses Nov 10, 2012

**** man... what should I do...mine's been 15 years... and I still hang in there.. I could date, but I dont, cos I feel guilty..I work all the hours,, just to keep busy. cos at times I cant stand it to be alone at home.
Besides, woman over 50 cant realistically go out on her own, at night.. you seen as looking to be picked up, a *****, or just plain desperate... theat

How hard for you, A lifetime of commitment with the hope that soon you would benefit from your sacrifice for his career. I had a 2 year long distance marriage I came back to join him in March of this year only to find he had started an affair. I love him with all my heart and he tells me i am his world . But I am interested to know how did you get over his affair? right now I am an emotional wreck i have left everything i owned even selling my home in the UK to come to him only to find that he had been planning to marry this other woman if I didn't give up my home and children etc. to be with him. I want to leave this awful place as he not only had the affair but told all of his family of his plans, so the humiliation is as devastating as the betrayal of his affair. I am looked upon with a mixture of pity and disgust at not having any self respect.

I wish I had answers to your pain but you are right, bitterness is what is preventing me from feeling we have any future left together. Mt bitterness grows stronger every day as I feel I have been abused and need him to know it.!

From reading your story I feel that the last thing you should feel is have given all you have to his career . Time to start being kind to yourself . live a life for yourself and not for what he wants, you made plans that he then changed without taking you into consideration except to feel he had every right to decide upon what he wanted and that you would once again just fall in line.

Hugs and best wishes to you.