An Uncertain Future...

There are days when I feel completely fine, and there are days when I feel the loneliest...

We've been dating for a year now. We started off right next to each other for 2 months, separated by 1 hour driving for roughly half a year... this summer she is 2 hours away, and the upcoming semester, 4. And the long distance should prevail for at least 5 years, with more to come potentially. It almost seems like a pitch dark tunnel with no end in sight.

It's been hard on me, as she is my first gf and it seems that we are progressively moving further and further apart. Sometimes I almost feel betrayed, and angry at the agony the situation puts me through. I almost resent her, but I know such a feeling is irrational. I keep thinking about her, keep hoping she would be by my side... and yet there is nothing I can do. I hate the way her presence has such a huge control on my emotions. I have friends, I have hobbies and work to occupy my mind. I have a career--I am going for my childhood dream, and my career is as best as it could be.

I know there is nothing I should complain about. I know my life is a million times better than those who are less fortunate. Yes, I need to grow up, I need to let go, I need to focus on the good and accept the bad.

However, I'm in pain. I resent the ways we were unable to make major sacrifices for each other--to give up our career opportunities so we may be closer together like a normal couple. Perhaps that is too much to ask, perhaps it is unreasonable to ask. Maybe it's because neither of us is willing to be that first person to give up something we deeply care about for the relationship. Maybe neither of us is sure whether the other would be willing to do the same.

What is 4 hours driving anyway? why is it such a big deal? why is the distance troubling me so much? I'm too naive. I'm too immature. I'm too stubborn to accept it. I'm too pessimistic... The relationship is too new to demand such big adjustments in our careers. It's not worth it. It doesn't mean as much as I wish it does......

But then how can I let go of the obstacles ahead of us? How can I accept the way we are approaching the future? How can I simply say, "whatever will be, will be"?
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Jul 31, 2010