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I Made A Mistake And Now I'm Hopelessly Concerned

Technically speaking, this all began in high school, when I was a junior, age 16. It took place late December of 2003 to early January of 2004. I met an "interesting" man in science class and I developed a crush on him. I eventually got around to admitting it to him and it turns out, he had a crush on me as well. So a couple of weeks after we both confessed, we argued about it for a little while and soon agreed on dating eachother, only for "the heck of it". To both our surprise, we haven't broken up since then, 7/8 years later!

Now here's when my REAL story begins. It all started a year and a half ago...before our relationship became long distance. My love interest took me to the park again for a walk, when he all of a sudden asks me if I wanted to go on a vacation with him to London. To my surprise, he says he has not two, but THREE airplane tickets to London! (2500+ miles away from home) He explained to me a CLOSE friend of his bought tickets for him (a reward for their friendship) so we could have our own romantic 'vacation' together, and have a good time with our friend too for 5 to 9 months. Unfortunately, however...after thinking it over, I painfully rejected his offer. Now please understand, I already had a part time job of my own (unlike him) and in this economy, I didn't want to lose what I worked so hard to earn just to repeat the whole aggravating process again. Even today, I'm still struggling to pay all the bills, with the house I'm living in. And I'm CERTAIN my employer, as kind as he is, isn't that forgiving.

My boyfriend didn't take my response too well, as expected. I felt absolute sorrow for him, almost bursting into tears. He then told me that I was making such a big mistake, further explaining in details how excruciating that would be without my company, how lonely I would be without him, and asked me if my career was more important to me than him. I immediately felt insulted and out of anger asked him why pleasing his friend was more important to him than staying here with me. We proceeded to argue in a foolish 'discussion' that lasted for what seemed like an hours and after that...well, it's all one big blur...The last thing that happened on the fateful afternoon was him storming out the gates; abrupting leaving me and rushing to the airport to get to his flight.(Like the sensitive person he is) His last words being: "I'm sorry, I'll call you later, when I get over this..."

It's been 14 months now, to be accurate...5 more months than promised, and he still hasn't returned from his 'vacation'. All except for several text messages every month or two, I've barely gotten any updates. I've asked him countless questions and he always avoids them by changing the subject. As if he's trying to hide something from me, and he probably is...And if that's not enough to worry about, that friend of his...is a...female...Perhaps his friend convinced him into thinking otherwise, no clue. I don't know what to do...and I keep thinking it's all my fault that this all happened. My fault he changed. My fault his feelings got hurt....I wish I could've done something beforehand...I really do trust he isn't cheating and IS only having a good time, getting carried away...then again, I could be in denial. This is my first relationship...I've never had my heart broken before, and I likely refuse to accept it. This is also my first experience in a long distance relationship, and I do hope for the best...even if he is cheating or doesn't want me anymore, I just want him to return...I only seek the truth now, more than anything. Wish me luck.
Exceedingbeyondscientifically Exceedingbeyondscientifically 22-25, F 29 Responses Aug 8, 2011

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How have you been holding up lately? I noticed that in a lot of your replies you kept saying you were in denial which is very wrong because the first sign of denial is denying it which you are not doing and you seem pretty clear headed. You hoped he wasn't cheating but im sure you could feel that he most likely did, thats being honest with yourself. If you were in denial you would tell yourself he IS coming back and that you DO mean something to him, two things that are not true what so ever. You know that hes moved on and doesnt want to be with you and you know he isnt coming back.



From how it sounds he did this on purpose knowing you would say no so he could go off and be with the other woman OR he got so mad at you saying no hes chosen to forget about you and live his life. So go live your life and try to stop worrying about him, i know its hard, i know its easier said then done.



I had a boyfriend who was gone for 4 years for anger management treatment. I got lucky, he never cheated on me, no one wanted to be with him nor wants to be with him. Hes one of those guys that hears "I just want to be friends" from every girl he gets a crush on, guess i see something other cant. Anyway he finally came home and the last three years have been fun but extremely hard. He had changed so much while he was gone that by the time he came back he was someone i couldn't recognize.



If your man comes back dont expect the man you fell in love with. For all you know hes married with a kid on the way. Im sure if/when he comes home he will shock you in one way or another so do not expect things to go back to the way they were.

It is terrible....do you know where he is? Not a way to treat someone you have been with for 8 years...if you want to know the truth tell me where he is staying and I will look him up? The you'll know

When will these people ever learn? You have a life too! He sounds as though he is living his life around himself only and not taking into account anyone elses feelings and needs. It is harsh but from what you have written you are better off without this burden in your life and by the sound of it, could do far better. Try to put this selfish individual behind you and move on to greener pastures as he is offering you nothing you don't already have. Good luck as I wish you well.



BTW should you ever come to London let me know and I will show you around.

Hey there I commented on your story three weeks ago or more.I am wondering what is the latest on your b/f in London w/his "friend"/Anyway hope you write a follow up story sometime.Hope you are well too.

Communication and spending time together are important to maintaining any relationship. If he doesn't want to invest the time and effort or can't be open for whatever reasons then you will just grow apart. He needs to get his priorities straight and realize what he is missing and what he could lose.

P.S. Tell him you are breaking up with him, it is selfish and ridiculous for him to expect you to be there when he gets back. Jackasses like this give us guys a bad rep.

This is not triadic, but its inevitable. Who goes to London on short notice for 9 months and stays past 14? THE BRITISH do, he has moved on and if hes not having sex (I would be) and never calls he is not that into you. I have had a couple of long distance relationships, one engagement that did not work out and one short term thing that did. 14 months is too long even with frequent contact and intimate conversation. He has not even visited the US? sounds fishy.



Sorry sweetie but I think you're not in a relationship anymore. Its definitely not your fault, it is totally his and his alone. You didn't start dating with the agreement that you would move to Briton at some point. He has been LIVING in England for over a year, hell he probably change his toothbrush twice :) LOL

I do wish you luck with that. Sounds like he had and/or has things to sort out and left you out of the loop. He should not have been so hard on you for not going.

get ur *** over to london and ask him what the hell hes upto!!

Hey Exceeding:



I am just echoing a lot of what others have already told you here.



And while I totally empathize with how you feel about this, it's NOT your fault this guy took off on you and left you standing at the curb, it's HIS fault for not wanting you enough to stick by you.



I can tell you that when you REALLY care about someone, no offers of trips or stays in London or anything at all should be enough to override being with that person. NOTHING.



So, in other words, he was probably lured a little (maybe a lot) by this woman, and worse, he tried to guilt trip you into getting suckered along with that.



Thankfully, you stood fast, and you didn't get trapped over there while all of that cheating was going on, or was very LIKELY too (otherwise, why LURE him there in the first place?)



Accept the fact that this person is likely NEVER going to come back and explain ANY of this to you, and chalk it up to a hard lesson learned.



Get on with your life, he's probably already long forgotten you by now, I'm sorry to say.



Good luck, and go out and find someone better, someone who'll FIGHT for you when things get sticky...



Sincerely,



-marcus

I think you need to move on from him, as hard as it will be. Sorry

I dont think you made a mistake .. no way!

Sadly, I agree with @trilo above - London is a dangerous place (and I don't mean our recent riots!). He either this you mention woman has him or he's found one of our London babes for himself. Fourteen months is too long to go without female for a red-blooded guy. Also I note on your profile that you're still a virgin - presumably waiting for the right guy and maybe marriage. Very commendable but if some girl is now putting out for him he'll be fully hooked.

Move on!

I think I would try and freek him out. Tell him you saved up some money and got vacation time and that your comeing over for a visit. Set the date as soon so he has to make a quick decision. Maybe tell him youll look for a job while your there so you can stay longer.

Girl , he already found another women and he is not likely to admit it to you , so what are your options ?

You will have to make next move or nothing will happen to your situation.

Better to know now than later. He is looking at the situation through his eyes and not concerned about your situation. This is self centeredness and selfishness.

Ok kid here's the deal , your the smart one and he is still a child. Which personally I doubt he is still in London . This little boy isn't going to grow up and your the mature one .Your hurt so walk away , take some time for yourself stay away from boys , or those that call themselves men . There are a lot of great guys out there and sweetness you can have one of them just be smart. But one thing , you do not owe this guy anything , don't call him , if he loved you he would have never left . If he comes back close the door in his face . Don't look back , your the better person. There really are great guys out there and sometimes we make mistakes of who we choose . Sometimes we make the right decisions and find the right person , I did . She's my best friend , my love and would never leave on a whim without thinking of others first .

I thought this situation over some more. Look at it this way, i f you went and she was paying, then the two of them set up house together, where would you be? On the streets looking to get enough money to get home? You did the responsible thing, kept your job (rare to have a job these days) and are earning a living. He is just a paid escort for her! I bet she never planned on you going in the first place! I am sure that was his idea. Tell him you need to move on! If he loves you he will get his *** home right now! If your just his ace in the hole if the rich chick dumps him, then he will stay with her!

Good Luck, and You did the right thing, he screwed up!

Just my opinion.

I think you deserve better. This boyfriend trying to make you feel guilty for doing what you have to do is wrong.

Oh my gosh. That is terrible.

wow, how sad he would just go with out regard for you! I feel for you! But like many guys, he is not going to keep in touch as much as you would like! He will either come back and want a permenant relation with you, or he will chose to move on! I agree he has been gone longer than anticipated so tell him you will not wait! That would be a good move. If he really loves you, he should be sure of it by now! If not, then better to find out now! I f he is back packing in the Andies, well then I can see it is unpredictable, and getting around to any schedule may be impossible...But if he is sitting on a beach in the greek Isles, then no excuse! Don't assume he has cheated, but yes! question him when you can, face to face! This much he should expect! Speculation will just make you crazy! Good Luck!

Hey.

I've read your story, and I came back to read the title again. I dont think you made a mistake.

It's simply not right to make desicions like he did on his own. I know nothing about you, but I think that people in a relationship should think through everything together, especially desicions like that. Especially when you had every right to stay and keep your job.

I don't know how it will turn out - seven years is a long time. Maybe he will come back. Maybe you need to move on.

Either way, it's your life. Live it. Enjoy what you have. Find things to enjoy. Combine small happy things into one big happiness. You are unique, and every day is precious. So try to make the best out of it.

I wish you luck! Trully. Believe in yourself.

Like others said, perhaps he's just a coward about it and can be easily decieved...it's his first time dating as well. I guess we were too young and naive...or just him. Thanks for the advice, I shall.
Yet here I repeat myself again, it would be nice if he actually came home, but I guess I'll have to go full force with words, when I decide to text him back again. If you don't know, I'm a bit lazy with replying.

Edited my story, made a few changes and added a few details. Nothing so crucial to read EVERYTHING again though, for those who have already read.

I have re read your story with your changes and it just cements my thoughts about your situation.He is out there just living it up while you sit and ponder what is going to happen between you two and when.I think your next move should be to force his hand,lay down the law.Tell him he either comes home to you or you are moving on.Don't let him sweet talk and try to convince you nothing is going on ,he is almost ready to come home yadda yadda yadda.Put your foot down and stick to your words.

*sigh* You're right and I will. How convient actually, he texted me back earlier today...

I have been to London more than once and trust me it isn't a city that doesn't run out of exciting things to do to the point he is having so much fun he can't text you/call you more often than he has!I have serious doubts about your relationship with him.I think it is time for you to send the text that asks some serious questions.You need to know not whenever he gets back one day.Have you tried to find if his "friend"that went with him has returned?Might want find out if she is still there with him.

Now if I were your age and had been with one person and only had a pt job,I would not have hesitated in going over w/the person I was in love with.You really had nothing to lose and all to gain but that is how I would have gone about it.

Thanks for sharing, I realize that now. Considering how he replies to my messages, I think it's over...I'm just in denial this whole time, huh? But even he doesn't want to see me anymore, he should at least come back...I can't stop thinking about it, you know?

First reply told it correctly. Advise You to pack Your saddle-bags & head on down the trail. This one's finis. Or, You could maybe marry him and learn the hard way. Let go...he has. To him, You're now 'the back-up plan'.

I understand that now, thank you. I suppose he just wants to break up and doesn't have the guts to tell me...typical...but I'm still in denial... The usual feelings.

What makes someone a cheater..is if they cheat. It doesn't matter how long you two have been in a relationship before it became a LDR. I was in a "normal" relationship for 9 months and then we had a LDR for 7 years before we got to be together. A ldr takes lots of communication, something that you boyfriend doesn't seem to want to do. You had every right to stay and work. If you still feel strongly about him, then its time to put your foot down and demand more commitment from him. If he can't give you that, then its time to decide what is best for you. LDR are hard, and your boyfriend acting this way only makes it worse. I hope that everything turns out for the best. If you have any questions, feel free to email me. All the best in your decisions.

He probably did cheat, thinking it over...That friend of his a close one.(which I forgot to mention) I'm still in hard denial about it, but technically speaking I'm still a newbie in relationships...I've never had my heart broken before and being my first time I just refuse the accept it...the typical feelings. The only thing on my mind now is well...I just want him to come back...even if he doesn't want me anymore...I only want the truth now, more than anything...

Wow that is tragic. I've been in a long distance relationship with my gf for about 2 years now. After reading this I can't say honestly that things look very good. I can't believe that you were with him for nearly 8 years and now all he can spare you are a few texts? Not to mention you had a right to stay and work. From what I read here, he made an incredibly immature decision leaving you behind to go with some random woman that you haven't met. That blows my mind, and you are even still loyal until now...move on girl there are more deserving men than him out there. I am sure you can make someone very happy, and find someone who actually cares about you. Hope I wasn't too critical. Best of luck to you. =)

The only possible scenario that I find believable is that the friend of his convinced him to ditch me permenantly...he's only too cowardly to say it. I've constantly texted him about this and I've noticed he's been avoiding my questions. After thinking it over, I realize that now...but I'm in still in hard denial, as hard as that seems to believe from my response. The usual feelings...

Wow that is tragic. I've been in a long distance relationship with my gf for about 2 years now. After reading this I can't say honestly that things look very good. I can't believe that you were with him for nearly 8 years and now all he can spare you are a few texts? Not to mention you had a right to stay and work. From what I read here, he made an incredibly immature decision leaving you behind to go with some random woman that you haven't met. That blows my mind, and you are even still loyal until now...move on girl there are more deserving men than him out there. I am sure you can make someone very happy, and find someone who actually cares about you. Hope I wasn't too critical. Best of luck to you. =)