Long Distance Run Around!!

Where do I begin? My anniversary with a woman who is married and lives 800 miles away from me will be this Jan 2013. I don't know if it will make it much longer. It all started meeting on Skype and simple exchange of things and our lives. Then one thing led to another and before we know it we start carrying on a love affair and having online sex. Crazy I know. However, for me it was and seemed all I have after being rejected by others I met online. Though I had other moments with women in Asia but they left the picture after a few one night stands. Anyhow, I carried on this ridiculus affair way too long to avoid hurting her knowing it kills me having to let go. The whole time she has manipulated the relationship to suit her. I feel more like her brother more so than her lover anymore. She knows me like an old novel she has read over and over and how easily I am pursuaded by her wiles. I am convinced she is happy and miserable in her marriage. Mostly miserable though. She is stuck in a loveless sexless marriage and a family of 6 kids who all turned out great. She is a wonderful mother and church goer social butterfly in her community. Yet, I know nothing much about her except what she has chosen to reveal. She has shown me lots of her life and I have no life to speak of. She claims she loves me inspite of my ways but I wonder. The reality is she is constantly seeking approval from me and others. She is a giver in many ways in the capacity that she believes she is doing. Yet overall I see she has strung me along on a leash and kept me in her pocket for way too long and I am a fool for allowing it. I know that. I had many others tell me to drop it and move on and that I deserve better. I am just trying to gather enough courage to let go gracefully. Currently, she is involved in another affair with some fetish group she met on EP and It really is a low blow to me knowing that she is involved with some fool who has no emotional attachment to her and yet he has more control over her than I ever had. Hence, I know she has no love for me nor for herself nor for her marriage nothing. Her self-esteem is gone. Her identity now is wrapped up into her new affair of being instructed to be his *****. I loved her like a princess. Now she is someone's online *****. She claimed there is no love connection and her new friend doesn't want one. He figures she came to him to satisfy her craving to get a better understanding of herself. I had it all wrong I know I need something better than this. I know if anybody chooses to respond they will all say go find someone else I deserve better. Get out of it and move on. Yet I wonder out of the mulitude of people who may suggest those ideas nobody no woman on EP or Skype or any social media will step up to the plate to be my girl who will respect me and honor me as I honor them. To me its all BS because with all their noble intentions no woman will want to drop their panties for me just because I went though a horrible dysfunctional relationship. Instead they will tell me I am sick and need therapy to get my head on straight in hope that I can do better. Yes I know my self esteem is pretty much gone as well. Yet, I want to get it back I want to find some happiness just like others who are desparately seeking for love and a healthy relationship. Many will say first I must get healthy then the other things will follow. Its hard to do it alone. I have been through the wringer with therapy, all shrinks and therapists do is they want to dope you up to keep the pharm and insurance companies happy they don't want to be your friend to play with or to sleep with or to talk to. 15 mins is all they are allowed to tell you that your are ****** up you need drugs to smoothe it over. Millons of people online and I just don't get it. I know I am doing something wrong. I just need to know what that is. Wasting time writing blogs to think it will get some kind of response like a date with someone is ludicrous. The dating sites want money with no guarantee of a date, church only breeds among their own kind. So whats left? A hobby? getting involved with community projects? Volunteer groups? I am currently waiting for a response from a volunteer outfit. In the meantime, will it fill the emptiness and void I feel? who knows who cares. Everybody has drama everyone has issues and problems. Loitering around writing about it may not help as much as actively doing something about it. Such a waste. Overall, I am considered a nice guy with good intentions but, my attitude leaves much to be desired. People don't want to hang with sad sacks. The world is filled with too much misery so as it is. Yet I can't see myself hanging in a depression clinic to find a friend who wants to be miserable along with me. It may be one of the major reasons why the love of my life basically walked out for another tryst. I am dead weight and what do people do with that ? they want to eliminate it.
Nephilhim Nephilhim
51-55, M
1 Response Dec 2, 2012

why be with someone who doesn't love you just wants some action because she isn't getting any from her husband, give up on a relationship with her because you need someone that you can physically be with there is no hope for you and her, not being harsh but a relationship with her isn't going anywhere unless she gets brave and moves to where u are. but it's been too long if she was ever going to she would have already.