Unexpected and Over Distance!!!!!!!! I Am Soooo Lost Right Now!

A while ago I stopped dating men. I just had enough of the pain and I felt like there is nobody out there who I could see myself with. I think I just gave up hope. Well anyway I told myself that I am going to concentrate on myself and my future.
I even was at the point where I didn't even want to get to know ANYONE!

A month ago I visit my friend in Germany which is 5 hours a train ride away from me. Well what happened is that we went out to this bar and while I was going to the bathroom my friends got to know some guys. They told me to play nice and at least talk to one of them. And so I did. There was this one guy very good looking but completely not my typ. But I thought what harm could be done just talking to him. So we did the whole night! At the end of it, he asked me for my number, I was actually not really sure what I should do. I enjoyed talking to him but I still was not interested in him like he was in me. So I told him straight up that I am not interested in dating him and that we only could be friends. He was not happy about that at all, but he accepted it.

For the rest of the month we have been talking none stop. Once we were talking to each other via Skype for 8 hours, I never have told anyone before. I was completely open to him, not wearing any masks, completely myself and I started to appreciate him although he was still pushing me towards seeing him again, when I'll be back in Germany for new years eve again. I don't know what really happened or how it happened, I just know at one point I started feeling differently about him and so I agreed to seeing him again. So after I arrived I saw him right away and like sometimes things happen I ended up spending the night with him. Well anyway we made plans to see each other anyway at the 1st of January. At the 1st he canceled without giving me a real reason. I didn't understand why and so I questioned myself what I was doing here and that this is actually nothing like I have planned. I got scared that I will end up in a casual thing and get up hurt again, like it happened already once.

When we finally talked, he told me that he was looking after a friend who got seriously sick and he apologized for not explaining it clearly to me. But it was already too late. I told him my concerns at that I don't know what to do. He told me to relax and that we are going to talk when we will see each other that night. Before meeting him, he text me that he is now the one who is freaking out, because it's not just sex for him neither and that he cares about me a lot and even though he would love to see me again, he doesn't want to be the guy who is going to hurt me again. And the whole distance thing would make it too complicated.

I went home without saying goodbye to him in person but letting him know that I care about him too and that I am sorry for messing everything up. When I got home he sent me a text telling me how much he regrets not having met me and how much he hates himself right now. At that point I was so lost, he had done something nobody ever has. Being selfless and trying to do the right thing. We have been talking to each other but only threw text messages. But the way we are talking to each other has changed. I tried mentioning it to him, but he shut down telling me to relax.

So anyway we have been now talking but it's not the same and I feel us drifting apart from each other. He told me though he wants to see me again when he will visit his friend who lives close by. But I don't know what to do, I don't even know how I feel right now. I know I like him a lot and that I have never met a person like him before. But the way we are right now with each other will destroy everything. I just feel so lost right now. Did I just seriously fell in love unexpectedly????????? And I wish I could talk to him about everything, but I have the feeling he is also scared and lost  right now and I would just push him away like I did the other time. So what shall I do???
christinaxxx christinaxxx
Jan 7, 2013