To Be Or Not To Be

We went to high school together. We were friends, but not close ones. I apparently had a mini-crush on him for a hot second. He claims he was always intrigued by me. I hadn't seen him for close to 6 years, when we randomly reconnected while visiting our respective parents for Thanksgiving. He invited me over to enjoy marshmallow roasting with his 3 yr old son. I wanted to get out of the house so I went. We had a great platonic experience and his son was adorable. When I left to go home, we had a moment where I thought he might kiss me. I had viewed him as an old friend all night, so I had no idea where that thought came from. He didn't kiss me, and I went back to my parents' house.

An hour later, I got a text from him. He said he felt like kissing me but chickened out. I was right. I sensed that nanosecond of a moment. We agreed to hang out again before departing for our "adult" homes. The night before I left for PA, we met at our local Wendy's and had Frostys. We shared a passionate kiss in the parking lot that felt right, normal, natural, and great. But we had to head back to our homes, so there wasn't time to discuss this random connection.

I went back to PA, he went back to his home in VA and we texted every day. By Christmas we had our first "real" date and since we knew each other for a while, we decided to try out a relationship. Being with each other felt so natural. I hadn't felt so comfortable with someone in a long time. I don't know if it was him, or the familiarity of being "back home" or the fact I was starving for male attention. Whatever it was, it was real and it was happening.

As I entered the new year as the girlfriend in an LDR, I had a lot to think about. I find it ironic that I don't do guys with kids and I don't do long distance but I find myself breaking all my rules for him. His son is amazing. He is a really great guy. We both want this but I can't help but feel we're spending each and every day avoiding the inevitable. LDRs typically have the final goal of being under the same roof or in the same city. He wants to open a business in VA. I want to establish my career in PA. I'm not sure I'll be able to choose between true love or my career.

Additionally, communication is the key to a successful LDR. We're both good at that, but I feel like I could use more affection on his end. I wonder if this arrangement is convenient for him in that, he can be a father, a worker, a student, and focus on himself and still have this great girl to talk to at night and support him through his projects and endeavors. There is nothing wrong with that, but personally I need someone to surprise me with random affectionate texts or tell me "I miss you" every so often. This relationship is hard for me, since I crave physical intimacy and continual emotional support. However, I'm trying hard to be "the perfect drama free girlfriend" and don't know how to bring up these needs without sounding clingy, needy, or insecure. I feel our relationship is secure, it just helps to get spontaneous signs that further confirm that.

I'm going for this because I don't know where it is going to lead. I'm assuming a nasty breakup because I refuse to leave my city and my career field, but who knows. I never thought he and I would end up together someday so I guess that in of itself is a lesson that says:nothing is impossible.

As Alicia Keys put it:
Damn you!
For making my never
Turn into a maybe
Turn into a never say never

maphilly13 maphilly13
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

Love will definitely make you do crazy things...and although you want to establish your career where your you think at the end of all it when the inevitable break up happens that you will be happy and able to move on?I feel like if you can live without him then hey! Go for your career...but if you can't picture life without him and his little boy then is it really worth throwing away your relationship to further your career? I'm sure you've throught about it....but your happiness is at stake! Think about it some more:)