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Because You Just Keep Waiting For the Moment It'll All Pan Out

To give you some scope to this story, I've just made my first trip up to LDR-boyfriend's home country, Canada, to spend three weeks meeting his friends, family, and getting acquainted with his home turf. Don't get me wrong - it's been amazing. He's been amazing, and has done nothing but reconfirm that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life here. And I've been so lucky, in that his family loves me, so much so that his mother's begun talking to me about grandchildren after only two weeks of knowing me. I consider that the biggest sign of acceptance a girl could ever hope for.

But.

The entire time I've been here, I've been telling him to wait, to wait to cry until the very last moment, because we both knew from the instant the trip was for sure this last week was going to be a road to the worst moment of our relationship. But you can't let that spoil things, you just can't; I mean, I'm sure I could, but I've been so goddamed determined not to that for once, emotion bended to might of will. But now, it's officially the last week (and, if he's right about the date, our six month anniversary), and so while I'm still telling him not to cry yet and cuddling up with him when he gets drunk and weepy (because, as his adorable punk of a little brother will be the first to tell you, he's the biggest-hearted person on this entire ******* continent), when he's got his face buried in my cleavage for a hug and I'm hanging onto him, it's all I can do to swallow the tears before he lets go and sees my face.

To add insult to injury, I've been retardedly homesick and not even for 'home,' but for familiarity, for a group of my own gal-pals to run off with when he and his friends get together for their testosterone-fest, for some sort of routine because I can feel this big heartbreak coming and I'm still not at all sure I've got the balls to move up here. Am I always gonna have to sacrifice one for the other? Because between this and the PMS (which is an entirely different story) I'm making myself so crazy that I'm finding stupid little faults and telling myself he's not holding my hand enough or putting his arm around me enough and I wish he'd pay more attention (namely, all of his attention) and stare at me the way he did the first night I got here. What the ****, I know better than to expect a relationship to work that way all the time, or ****, to even want it to. I don't want that, I want to fast-forward to a year from now when we're living together and I routinely wake up grumpy and shove at him for the extra space on the mattress and have to cajole him for ten minutes before he pulls his (incredibly sexy) groggy *** from bed (no really, that man has the best *** in this ******* country).

And he just came in the bedroom mildly inebriated and sprawled out beside me and put his head in my lap (or more accurately, in my cleavage) and nuzzled up with that cactus stubble he hasn't shaved in two or three days and said he was just checking on me, and gave me a kiss, and oh my god am I going to miss him.

One night after dinner, his mildly inebriated mother leaned over and told me that she could tell I was a worrier, that I was an anxious person, and without missing a beat she said that I'd grow out of it when I learned to relax a little and put more faith in God again. In God, who I haven't properly believed in or worshipped for some years now, but that's not to say I haven't been feeling the urges since my grandmother died in January...

Well Jesus Christ, I might just need something to pray to, because this trip has done nothing but confirm that we can't live apart...and that it's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, making it so that we can live together.
jukeboxjuly jukeboxjuly 19-21, F 4 Responses Jul 14, 2007

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I know exactly what you are talking about.. my boyfriend too lives in Canada and I am from the states.. I haven't actually gotten to go see him yet.. although not without trying.. I was denied entrance to Canada on my trip for something really stupid.. but eventually I know we will be together.. I am just not sure how we are gonna do it because he does want me to move up there with him and I live in a very very very small town in Indiana I am not sure Calgary is the place for me.. and even on top of that I have a lot of family here and I mean a lot. I am not sure I can just up and leave everyone I have ever known and cared about.. though I do love him very very much

Oh my gosh I completely understand...I am in pretty much the same situation, only I would be moving to a place that I don't even speak the language. You sound like such a funny, fun, great person that I doubt you are going to have trouble making friends in Canada. (I'm from Canada by the way)...I wish you all the best!! :) hugs

I don't know exactly why my story got randomly censored, as I've seen plenty of other cursing in other stories, but. It wasn't me.

Back when you wrote this (and the sacrifice story), it seemed like the most daunting thing for you was immigration process. I am not sure if it is still a huge thing for you, but it struck me that there are specific elements could be made less of an issue.<br />
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If you're interested,(you might not be, you might just have wanted to tell you story :) ) these are the thoughts that came to mind:<br />
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1) Develop a few friends of your in Canada. Ah, the joys of the internet - you can now have your own social network in another country before one has even stepped foot there, should one want. :D<br />
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2) Consider a graduated approach rather than all or nothing, and then focusing on each intermediate step and what needs to be done for that. Making it the transition into a series of trial runs might help ease the size of the change in your mind, in addition to being practical.<br />
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3) Do things to help you regain the parts of your identity that you have lost.<br />
If you want to become a writer, and you are facing one of the biggest challenges of life to date, in moving to another country, why not have that become your current writing project? You can then be going to Canada not only to see your man, but also as part of what *you* are doing, for yourself. Independent, but interconnected at the same time.<br />
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Have you spent time in any of Canada's major cities? I have never been there, admittedly, but my experience of the cities of the world is that they all have their common elements. If it's that urban feel you long for, then perhaps that's not something you need to sacrifice completely. There are very few things we need *all* the time after all. Maybe you could even spend some time alone there. Make your own space in Canada, it will restore your sense of independence, perhaps.<br />
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Just some thoughts, and not intended as advice per se. :) I am only going off what I have read in your stories, so I am probably missing most of the pertinent details.