Not Sure If This Is Real... Or Even Possible.
More than 1,500 miles away.
A little more than seven months now since I met him.
But for seven months... I havent heard his voice or his heartbeat. Havent felt his arms around my waist, or his lips on mine.
For seven months.. things have only got harder. Lonlier.
I thought it would get easier but.. it didnt. It still isnt any easier. We're arguing more often now. To the point where we can barely even have a conversation without something coming up. Not usually anything serious, just stupid things. And its not even usually 'arguing', per say. Theres no yelling. Or fighting back and forth. Its basically both of us being in a bad mood or just generally upset, so we take it out on eachother.
But.. with me being only seventeen, my parents still have some amount of say in my life. And they dont like this relationship at all. "Its not a relationship if all you ever do is type." ... "You dont even really know him." Its all I ever hear. How its not real. That it wont work.
But the thing is.. im trying. I have been, for most of the time we've been together. Itll be seven months on saturday, and im starting to secondguess whether this relationship /will/ work. I know that I love him. Regardless of what everyone else says, and how stupid I know im being with this situation... I love him more than anything.
But the situation is what's the most frustrating. My family owns a farm... only a few hours from where he lives. We usually go up there every summer, which was still the case with this last august. I was so.. soo excited for it this year to say the least, because I obviously assumed I'd get to see him. Well August came, and it was only a week or so before my family was supposed to leave. Id packed early, because I was so overexcited. Then.. something came up. He had to leave.. because one of his friends needed him. So he drove her to another state to be with her family. It being only an eight hour drive, I assumed he's spend a few days there at the most, and be home in time to see me. Considering we were spending two weeks there, I was deffinitely upset.. but still had hope. But three days went by.. then a week... and I was starting to loose that hope. It made me feel like he chose her over me, really. As selfish as that sounds.. I cant help it. So we left after two weeks, and he was home a few days after that. I never really even told him to what extend I was upset about that.. because I knew his friend needed him. But even knowing that didnt change how much it hurt.
But another month went by and our relationship was fine.. I was in love with him, and he knew it. He told me constantly that he felt the same way. Really in general.. id never been happier. Hm.. scratch that. Id never been in such a good relationship. I cant really say I was that happy. Yes, he made me happy, and still does. But I wasnt happy with our situation. Not the slightest bit.
But then we started talking about eeing eachother again.. and this time my bestfriends boyfriend would come with him. That was how I met him, too. Was through her boyfriend who lives there who.. shes also never met or talked to. Sigh, doesnt this seem like such a perfect situation..?
Well, so yes. They both planned on coming down here to see us. Then.. something else came up. Well, happened is more the better word. His friend got into a bad car accident, and was in the hospital for a few days. So again, his friend needed him. I wasnt as upset this time, cause us seeing eachother wasnt as planned out as the first time, and id tried not to get my hopes up too much again. But obviously, it still did. Yet again, something got in the way of us being together.
And so another month went by.. then two. And I was thinking about going up there to see him in the winter. For three weeks, a month even, before my classes started the next semester. I was excited and nervous about meeting his family, and we were planning everything out. It wasnt for sure, because I needed to make sure I had the money and the time and everything, but it looked pretty promising. And so I started to let myself get excited.. and my parents were finally alright with it and I knew id have the money.. I was ready to buy the plane ticket. Then.. he comes home and tells me he got into a car accident. (what it is with my friends and getting hurt, im not sure...) He says he broke his arm pretty bad.. but he's tired. On so many meds, and needs to sleep. Obviously I understand.. Im worried as all hell, but I understand. But then.. he's not on much the next few days, obviously.. this also scares me. But then.. to make this part a little more condensed, I find out later that he also failed to inform me that he has a severe spine fracture. Level of fear and worry? Now officially through the roof. He'll be alright.. but needs a few months of rest. So on top of being scared about this new development.. I realize this is going to greatly complicate those winter plans. And it turns out, with him staying with his mom while he's hurt and sick.. she doesnt want me around him. So im.. more upset now than really both the other times combined.
When im not working or in class, im curled up under my blanket crying. Theres times.. I dont think I can take all this waiting anymore. and that everythings just adding up and I cant do it anymore. I think about cutting again.. but I know. It would hurt him too much. He's against everything that calms me down. So I dont do it.
When I get to talk to him... I pretend everythings alright. Im happy.. I missed him.. I had a great day at work. But part of me is screaming that i've had enough. That inside im crumbling into little pieces while he's 1500 miles away laying in bed hurt and sick... I cant be there to take care of him. to help him.. to love him. And even when I can, people wont let me.
I really dont know what to do anymore. I wanna wait to be with him.. but how long can I wait without hearing someones voice? Seeing them? Being able to touch them? The totl of three pictures ive gotten dont help much.. except for late at night when I know he's asleep, and I lay awake and look at them. Staring at each one for a few minutes. Wondering what he's dreaming about... if he's thinking of me.. if he misses me... if. He;s even the person he says he is.
It scares me sometimes.. that. Maybe he'll be different. or maybe he'll think Im different. And all of this waiting and worrying and pain will be for nothing.
And honestly... if anyone actually took the time to read all of this.. I would be thoroughly amazed and.. happy I guess that they'd take the time to even read it, if even try to help. Mostly, this is just to vent.. get some thoughts out.. put it down. You know? I thought it would help more than it actually is.. but its a start.
Sigh. Well, Id be interested to hear your opinions on the basic situation...