Why Does It Hurt So Much?

I never thought I would find that person. I never thought I could love anyone this much. 

I've always had a plan. Love didn't really fit in; Graduate college, then work in europe. After that? Move back to the U.S. and to a new city, somewhere completely new, develop professional career, then find someone to share my life with. Finding the love of my life was always a pretty low priority. 

Then I fell in Love. The big L. Not the little l, as in 'i luv you'. The real thing. We met in Switzerland during our study abroad program, and spent almost every day together for four months. We walked hand-in-hand in Milan, we watched the sunrise on the beach in Barcelona, we played on a playground in Basel, we kissed at the Eiffel Tower in Paris, we shared a bottle of wine in Venice, and he became my best friend. I still don't think I realized just how much I loved him...

When we returned to the U.S. for the next semester, we knew we would be apart--I was going back to school and he was going 315 miles away to design/build houses for ongoing Katrina relief. Seriously. We spent two weeks together before he left, dancing in the kitchen, cooking, and laying in bed for entire mornings.
And then he left.

How can I begrudge him for leaving? I told him to go. It was his plan, and I would never want to take that away. He's doing great things, getting hands-on experience, he's helping people that need him. He needed to do this for him.
So he left, and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. 

I hurt without him, so much. I finally realized that I found it. I'm in Love. Big time. I knew that before he left, but I didn't know what it meant. Every day I feel it, a pain, a hole. Just because he's gone. 

Can love really mean that much to us? Yes. I know now that it can. 

Three months he'll be gone. It seems so little in comparison. I know there are those who wait years until they can be together again, but perspective doesn't help. Each day seems like two, and all I can feel is that empty ache. 

"I love you so much, but this hurts" I say, "I'm sorry, I promise after this you'll never have to hurt," he says.

There are now 39 days until I get to see him. I'll eat ramen forever to afford that plane ticket. We'll be together for one week, and then it's back to the torture of 315 miles. It's back to the torment of another countdown.
But why does 39 days seem so long? The logical part of me, the one with the plan, knows that 39 days is nothing. The blink of an eye. It doesn't change how much it hurts. I still cry. 

"I don't know what to do without you, I don't want to do anything" I say, "It'll get better. It'll get easier," he says.

We talk everyday, but my sheets still smell like him. I wake up and he's not there anymore. I know it'll be over eventually; next year he'll be here with me. After this semester we'll have forever, and it helps a little, just to know that it will end--this seemingly endless waiting, and constant weight. I've changed the plan, it now includes him. It now includes us. My logical side tries to make me feel better: 'the plan's even better with him, you'll see, you'll love it. All you have to do is get through one semester."

Thanks logic, but for right now, it just plain hurts. 



stephless stephless
18-21, F
9 Responses Jan 24, 2010

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Love hurts. Long distance love hurts even more. I met my greatest love in 2010. Her birthday it's on january 24th actually. I haven't seen her in a year now and I don't know if I will ever see her again.

Oops!!jus saw d date...lol..hope u r happy nw,..

Hey..i understand..my boyfrnd f four yrs left too..v met over d weekend aftr a month..he left n i feel lyk ****..trust me wen u meet him its gonna b magical!!u cn spend 39 days planning n gettin ready for d meeting..i realli hope u end up together..n trust me if u wait nw therez gonna b a lyftym f happiness n love..b strong..

The only person I've ever loved lives 10639.41 miles away from and I'll have to wait for over 1year and a half to get to see her again, I know how it hurts. I wish I could have her in my arms and never let her go again.

My boyfriend lives 5,176 miles away, and i have to wait a year and a half just to see him for a week. You see him enough. Get over it.

Haha, I just read the date of when you added this and it was over six months ago haha. I bet those three months are the last thing on your mind now. You are probably on cloud niine right now. If you still look at this page, let me know how things turned out. I really need to hear that all this hurt is worth it in the long run,

Hey Stephlesss, <br />
<br />
I know exactly how you feel. I didnt want to fall in love, to be quite honest I'm not entirly sure that I believed in love. But then about four months before I had to leave to study I fell hard for the most gorgeous, kind heart person I have ever met. I now live 700km (not sure on the mile converstion but trust me it feels like thousands of miles) away and have been for the last 6 months and have another 3 years to go. <br />
<br />
Hang in there. I know how much you are hurting because I am to. Sometimes it's just too hard. All you want is a hug and his arms around you, because you know that will make everything better. And sometimes just hearing his voice isnt enough, sometimes (especially late at night) you just want him there sleeping next to you or to kiss you on the forehead. Dont get me wrong we have our moment when it becomes to hard for both of us, but if its true love you get over that easily. Sometimes I call him and cry becasue all i want him to do is hold me, or kiss me and i miss that so much. <br />
<br />
3 months might seem like a million years, but keep at it, and think of how great it will be when those three months are over, even though i know you want them to be over now. Im counting down the next three months till the end of semester. We are going to Bali for two weeks, where we have no other destractions or pressures and can just be alone. And then i will go back to counting down the next three years. <br />
<br />
Good luck and stay strong

Once Upon A Time, backin the stone age, long before you were born, I met a young lady while I was on vacation. On the way home cute little story happened that I had to share with her in a letter. She writes back and I write to her etc., etc. Well, she lived about 450 miles from meand was planning to go to school about 500 miles from me. So we start writing almost a letter a day and I spend a lot of my weekends driving out to her school. My weekends did not correspond with hers so I would spend a lot of time, killing time, while she was in class. I was off from 8AM Wednesday morning until midnight Friday night and worked about another 40 miles closer to her than I lived. So I would get off work, jump in the car and drive, drive, drive (the stone age, remember, before the Interstate system was anywhere near complete, and flying was way expensive, and actually, so were phone calls).<br />
<br />
But we held on for the year she was in school, got married and had three children, and lived happily ever after until (spoiler alert: if you don't want a downer quit reading now.) my roving eye got me in trouble and we divorced thirty years ago. We still keep in touch though.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, it can work out and Hey three months is nothing.