Why Does It Hurt So Much?
I never thought I would find that person. I never thought I could love anyone this much.
I've always had a plan. Love didn't really fit in; Graduate college, then work in europe. After that? Move back to the U.S. and to a new city, somewhere completely new, develop professional career, then find someone to share my life with. Finding the love of my life was always a pretty low priority.
Then I fell in Love. The big L. Not the little l, as in 'i luv you'. The real thing. We met in Switzerland during our study abroad program, and spent almost every day together for four months. We walked hand-in-hand in Milan, we watched the sunrise on the beach in Barcelona, we played on a playground in Basel, we kissed at the Eiffel Tower in Paris, we shared a bottle of wine in Venice, and he became my best friend. I still don't think I realized just how much I loved him...
When we returned to the U.S. for the next semester, we knew we would be apart--I was going back to school and he was going 315 miles away to design/build houses for ongoing Katrina relief. Seriously. We spent two weeks together before he left, dancing in the kitchen, cooking, and laying in bed for entire mornings.
And then he left.
How can I begrudge him for leaving? I told him to go. It was his plan, and I would never want to take that away. He's doing great things, getting hands-on experience, he's helping people that need him. He needed to do this for him.
So he left, and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
I hurt without him, so much. I finally realized that I found it. I'm in Love. Big time. I knew that before he left, but I didn't know what it meant. Every day I feel it, a pain, a hole. Just because he's gone.
Can love really mean that much to us? Yes. I know now that it can.
Three months he'll be gone. It seems so little in comparison. I know there are those who wait years until they can be together again, but perspective doesn't help. Each day seems like two, and all I can feel is that empty ache.
"I love you so much, but this hurts" I say, "I'm sorry, I promise after this you'll never have to hurt," he says.
There are now 39 days until I get to see him. I'll eat ramen forever to afford that plane ticket. We'll be together for one week, and then it's back to the torture of 315 miles. It's back to the torment of another countdown.
But why does 39 days seem so long? The logical part of me, the one with the plan, knows that 39 days is nothing. The blink of an eye. It doesn't change how much it hurts. I still cry.
"I don't know what to do without you, I don't want to do anything" I say, "It'll get better. It'll get easier," he says.
We talk everyday, but my sheets still smell like him. I wake up and he's not there anymore. I know it'll be over eventually; next year he'll be here with me. After this semester we'll have forever, and it helps a little, just to know that it will end--this seemingly endless waiting, and constant weight. I've changed the plan, it now includes him. It now includes us. My logical side tries to make me feel better: 'the plan's even better with him, you'll see, you'll love it. All you have to do is get through one semester."
Thanks logic, but for right now, it just plain hurts.