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Twin Flames And Asperger's

Being a girl with Asperger's sucks. You feel a lot, even more than most girls, yet taking those emotions and putting them into words is practically impossible for me. I grew up genuinely believing that I would probably be alone, because my preferences for living arrangements and obsessions with my "research projects" seemed to always be a little "too much" for my parents and sister. I used to memorize movie scripts of movies that I'd only seen one time to my grandmother, following her around the house while reciting the lines. I never realized how annoying it was until much later in life.

When I met my twin flame, I knew I was different and that I needed to tell him so, but he doesn't believe in "Aspergers", makes fun of the name, and believes what South Park tells him, that "it's just something that selfish people use as an excuse to be anti-social". I wish I could tell him how much it bothers me when he insists that things that have always bothered me shouldn't bother me and that I need to just "push through it" or "deal with it". For instance, haunted houses.

I've always been afraid of Halloween and haunted houses, etc. I have a hard time seeing people with masks on. As many of you can probably relate to, I have a hard enough time looking at people's faces and figuring out their intentions, what mood they're in, and what it is they want from me. When I see someone in a Jason mask, I AM PETRIFIED. I freeze, my legs lock up, and here's the kicker....when I'm very frightened, I have, um, accidents. It's as if the events I'm seeing are too real for me, you know? When I get home, I still have that fear for days afterward, like it was all real and I'm "recovering".

We are engaged to be married soon, and my family keeps asking if he "understands my condition"...and I'm torn between just acting like I'm normal and trying to put all of my quirks to the side, my strange, macabre obsession with social injustice, and my inability to process information that isn't "real" (like horror films, such as "Saw" are absolutely horrific for me to even watch), and try to just "be normal".

Trust me, sometimes, when he's irritated because I followed his directions literally or displeased him in some other "Asperger-like" way (like endlessly talking about my research "as if I enjoy it" and that I'm a monster with no empathy), I feel so mad at myself for just being me. It reminds me of how I used to feel in high school when the other girls would call me weird or say I couldn't sit with them at lunch....I feel like a failure as an individual that I can't participate in normal activities of companionship or in groups of people. I don't get jokes, but yet, I understand the inner workings of the Spanish Inquisition or the Eugenics movement of the early 20th century...I would give anything to JUST BE NORMAL.
justagirl83 justagirl83 26-30 Jan 16, 2012

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