Sooooo Lost In My Thoughts

I have been married for 5 years this February. (We actually go married on Leep day in Leep year.) We have been together for 7 years in July. We have two boy, 3 and 19 months. We have always had a problem with communicating. There have been times where it was good and time where it has been horrible. I feel that there has been more struggles than joys in the marriage. He's know since day 1 that I need the communication and honesty bc of what I have been through in my past. It's the one things I need consistently and he hasn't given it to me. But I in return have changed my ways and admitted to some of my faults. It amazing that after so long you can see the true colors of someone. He thinks he tries to communicate but it's when we are already fighting or when I'm already pissed off. He has very rarely come to me openly to communicate his feeling or thoughts with things that maybe bothering him. It's a vicous cycle that were going through and I'm so tired of it.... emotionally, physically and mentally. Plus to make matters worse, 4 weeks ago we moved into a much bigger home. There's a lot he assumes and doesn't actually listen to what I tell him. He has selective hearing and only hears what he wants and only listens to part of the sentence and not the whole sentence. He thinks that I do care about him or his feelings. I just don't understand!!! After 7 years of trying to go to counseling for our marriage and then for ourselves and he doesn't think that I care about him or our marriage!!
I myself have been through a hard and negative life before I meet him. My mother thinks I was sexually abused by my biological father (it was never concluded on if it happened or not, my mom was going by how i start to change and my actions changed.), I was rapped at 18 by my boyfriend at the time and he gave me an incurable disease, had an abortion bc of the medications I was on 7 years ago that should've killed the baby but didn't and that if I had the baby it would've had mental and physical handicaps. I was 23 years old and was also on birth control at the time. It was the begging of mine and my husbands relationship. I could've live with knowing that my baby was going to be handicap bc of medications I was taking and didn't know I was pregnant. I have been through a lot of negative situations in my life but have some how found a way out and stronger.

I'm a stay at home Mom and my husband works and brings in the money. I haven't work in probably 6-7 years.

I'm just so tired of not communicating with my husband and fighting for it from him. It's such an up and down (more down lately) relationship that I can't take this much longer. I don't want to get a divorce but if that means I'm happy and find my soul mate, then so be it. More than anything, I don't want my boys thinking that Mommy broke up the family.My children are my world and everything.  I need to be happy and I'm not in this marriage. I have completely changed and for the better, since I found out that abilities that I have be ignoring all my life. I have finally accepted who I am and I feel it has driven us apart.

I don't think what I have been asking for and want in a man is too much to ask for.... a guy who is honest with me, loving, affectionate, someone who will become my best friend and know my deepest darkest secrets, someone who will hold me when I'm upset, someone who will listen when I need to talk, someone who openly communicants their thoughts and feelings, someone who actually shows me he loves me for me, my heart.... also for my outer beauty. I don't stand for lying, cheating or anything along those lines. Oh, I hate men ************ to ****..... have also dealt with my husband having a ************ to **** addiction (that he never got help for, so don't know if he has truly stopped), instead of watching our home made videos of us. Which I feel I really put myself out there when we made them and I was even at a low point and very self conscious at the time.

Also my first son was almost a still born bc of complications with the pregnancy. He was born at 32 weeks (7months) at 2 lbs. 10 Ozs. and 15 inches long... if the doctors didn't pull him another 6 hours from when they did he would have probably been still born.

I feel that I deserve better than this.
SexyRed33 SexyRed33
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 24, 2013

I'm sorry you had such a hard life, and that you continue to suffer.

May I offer a few ideas that might be helpful?

First, I encourage you not to give up on the relationship. You will know when it is time to give up, and I think you're not there yet. Beyond being (potentially) wonderful in many ways, relationships can be vehicles to help us learn and work on ourselves. I think you haven't finished this course yet.

Second, with respect to communication, I encourage you and your husband to consider the purpose of communication NOT to be to get your ideas/thoughts/feelings across to the other, but rather to view the purpose as to understand the other's ideas/thoughts/feelings. I think you will both find that if you approach communication using more inquiry and active listening, and less advocacy, not only will you each be better understood, but you will each feel that the other cares about you and your feelings.