I Am Soooooo Ready For A Change.....

 I don't even know where to start here...

*sits here for five minutes*

Okay, let's start with people accepting me.  I can honestly say that the only people who truly and fully accept me are my EP friends.  That's not at all to say that nobody outside of EP loves me or cares about me; quite the contrary actually.  But lately, I've been questioning the local fraternity that I'm in.  A year ago, when I wanted to pledge, I was deciding between two clubs.  The one I'm in and another one.  As much as I love my brothers, I sometimes really regret joining.  But the thing is that the other fraternity that I was rushing didn't accept me.  They're very selective.  But the one I'm in extended me a bid, so I just accepted their bid and pledged.  Maybe I should have rejected it and tried to get into the other one the following semester.  But I didn't.

Now that I'm in, I love my brothers to death, but sheesh, they think they all have to be my censors or something.  This has happened on numerous occasions.  For example, a student died at my university about a year ago, so I made a memorial for him on Facebook.  I wrote about a memory I had of him, which happened to be really vulgar but absolutely hilarious.  One of the sponsors of the club sent me a message and told me how ashamed he was and that I needed to take it down.  A few months later, I took a silly little quiz on Facebook.  I posted my results, and another one of the sponsors ended up seeing it.  The results had a lot of bad language in it, and of course, he noticed and felt the need to bring it to my attention.  He sent me a message telling me to take it down because I wasn't representing the club well.  For one thing, this was in the summer, and I wasn't taking classes or anything.  I was not trying to represent the club.  I was just taking a stupid quiz.

Now one of the actual students has taken it upon himself to be my father figure.  For example, I uploaded a video to YouTube and posted it on Facebook.  Then he said that if I'm serious about a relationship, I have to stop making videos because nobody will take me seriously.  There was another instance where I was at one of our meetings, and I was being weird and making an odd noise.  He wasn't at the meeting yet, but evidently, one of the other brothers told him about it, so he messaged me on Facebook telling me that I shouldn't do that.

I'm sick of this narrow-minded, conservative, Church of Christ environment.  I've been in it all my life from kindergarten all the way up through the present.  That's what's sad...the reason for all these things happening is because of religion.  A bunch of dos and do nots.  Yet this does not reflect Christ.  Christ was accepting, and although He wants us to all do the right thing, He doesn't criticize us if we don't.  He forgives us.  Once I graduate, no matter what I do and where my life takes me, I am getting as far away from this conservative, narrow-minded, Church of Christ environment as possible.

Which brings me to the second reason I'm in a quarterlife crisis.  My education.  I am finally convinced that I am passionate about music and entertainment media.  My friends have helped me come to this realization.  Yet I'm a psychology major.  I like psychology, but I'm not sure if I could say I'm passionate about it.  It is very intriguing, and if I stay with this major, I'll get to go to graduate school and eventually get a pretty decent job as some type of psychologist.  But again, that's not my PASSION.  Whenever I discover a new talented musician, I get super excited about it and can't stop listening to it.  I try to promote them however I can, and if the artist is local, I try to help them.  Also, I love making videos.  I get really excited when I get lots of views.  I like to help film for one of my friends who doesn't have a good camcorder.  Basically, I love anything that has to do with the electronic media industry.

However, there are two things stopping me from that.  For one thing, I'm only a couple years away from graduating.  I'm already on my way towards a psychology degree.  Also, there isn't much money in the media industry unless you're a famous actor, musician, etc.

I really want to go to graduate school too.  That's a huge part of my quarterlife crisis.  I don't want to go to graduate school because I'm just dying to study more and learn more though, unfortunately.  I want to go so that I can experience all the things I've missed out on, just like a midlife crisis.  I want to go to a BIG school, something I've never experienced.  I want to go to a PUBLIC, NON-RELIGIOUS school, something else I've never experienced.  I want to live hundreds or maybe even thousands of miles away from my family, something else I've never experienced.  I want to join a national, non-religious fraternity that focuses simply on having fun, something I've never experienced.  Maybe I could do that if I go to graduate school and get a Ph.D. in clinical psychology.  However, I've heard that in grad school, you don't get any time to do anything besides study.

Maybe I could just drop out of this school and start over at a new school that offers music industry as a major.  That way, I could be doing what I love and also have time to experience these things I want to experience.

Going to graduate school is a lot more realistic though.  My parents will support me if I do that.  Plus, if I'm good enough, some grad schools will pay you to go to school, so I may not even need my parents' support.  It would give me a good excuse to move away too.

But then again, it's almost like I'm using grad school as an excuse to cope with my quarterlife crisis rather than to actually get an education.  Is that what I really want?  If I drop out of school here, my parents will throw a fit, and who knows if they would support me starting a new education.

I know what I want, but I don't.  I want to have fun and do things I've never experienced, but are those things really important to my life?  They won't really improve me as a person or improve the world.  I want to save the world, but that's unrealistic.  I want to leave a huge mark on the world, but that requires lots of work, dedication, motivation, and ambition.  I don't have any of those four things, so that's out the window.  I hate working.  I'm lazy.  I want to do something great with my life, but for one thing, I have no idea what that something is, and even if I did, I'd be too lazy and complacent to do anything about it.  I think it might be a little bit of fear too in addition to laziness.  Sometimes I think I may be one of those people who fears success.  But they're all kind of intertwined.  I'm afraid of working hard, which makes me lazy.  Or something like that.

And don't even get me started about relationships.  I have no clue what I want in that area.  I mean, I know what I want in a wife if I ever have one, but I have no idea if I really even want one.  I'm crazy about a certain woman right now, and if I had to get married today, I'd definitely marry her, but for one thing, she would never be accepted by my friends and family.  It's not that I care what my friends and family think about her; it's just that I don't want more people trying to make my life miserable.  Also, there are a few things about her that prevent me from ever being with her.  One thing isn't under my control at all, and a few of the other things just kind of scare me.  Even though I love her more than anyone in the world, I still want to date other women.  That's another one of those experience things.  I've only dated two women in my life, and I never got serious with them.

Also, relationships are so burdensome.  I'm tired of burdensome relationships.  I don't want someone tying me down and hindering my freedom like my parents and my fraternity brothers do.  I want to be able to get up and go wherever I want to go and do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it.  I think I could accomplish more of what I want to get accomplished if I stay single.  But then there's that part of me that really wants to experience a serious dating relationship.

What else is there to question about my life?  There's always the religion thing, but I don't even want or need to go there.  I'm not doubting my faith that as much lately, and I don't want that to start up again.  That would be torture.

So basically, to sum up this story, I'm a 21 year old man who just can't make up his mind about anything, and if he does, he eventually changes it again.

Platypus pooper scooperness.

RopinTexan RopinTexan
22-25, M
12 Responses Mar 3, 2010

I need your e-mail address, Matt. It asks me to give the e-mail of who referred me.

Cool...I'll check out your survey. I'm all for research in this area...emerging adulthood certainly isn't an easy life stage. Thanks for your thought and effort!

I understand where you are comming from and take heart in that you are not alone or unique in your experience. I went through similar things in my early and later twenties and now here they were part of a Quarterlife Crisis.<br />
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I had the same challenges of not being able to focus on one area or interest for too long; dropped out of two colleges; the first as I chose the courses for the wrong reasons; the second as my friends weren't there. Finally after getting all the qualifications, I never really used them.<br />
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That said, I did figure things out... albeit via the long route. The whole Quarterlife Crisis phenomenon is something I've been looking into for a while. Having been through one (or two) myself, I wanted to help others find a way through theirs.<br />
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I put together a survey to try and get a handle on where the problems exist and what I can do to help. I would really appreciate your input on it too. <br />
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www.surveygizmo.com/s3/297784/Quarterlife-Crisis<br />
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Cheers and best wishes on your journey. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have.<br />
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Matt

Thanks, autimom...it shows. Feel free to keep following my stories. You too, Eric.

Good show, Ropin. <br />
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I hope you get to experience the world, as you'd like to. There is a lot out there and I am rooting for you to have some fun while learning new things.

I'm not exactly sure why, RT, but you interest me. I always keep up with what you are doing. This story had me cheering for you. I hope so much that you do find the courage to break away from that narrow minded and spirit crushing environment. There is no telling who or what you could be without the hand of your overbearing mother and religion holding you down. <br />
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Your honestly is raw and refreshing. I think you are pretty ******* cool.

I see what you mean about dating. The more I experience different emotions, actions, and experiences, the more easily I'll be able to distinguish true love from other things.<br />
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I'm not really sure if I want "normal" people to like me. I mean, if I watch lots of sports, people who like sports will like me, but then again, I have no desire to be in a relationship with a sports fan because then she would expect me to watch sports with her. See what I mean? I like being friends with weird people like you.

I recommend doing a lot of dating... you can't make an educated decision on who you love until then... For that, again, people are attracted to people who they think are 'like them'. Engage in normal hobbies (e.g. watch some sports even if you hate it--- try it.. it'll make a WORLD of difference in who talks to you) and normal people will like you... Unfortunately I feel like I'm selling out to do this, so I don't take my own advice... Then again, I pretty much have my heart set on being returned to my own kind... and there you are :-)

Well, all I have to say to you is if and when you get an education and/or get in a relationship, I hope it's a heckuva lot easier for you than it's been for me. And that's all I got to say about that.

Shortie, I could do that, but then I wouldn't be out of school until I was in my 30s...<br />
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aeth3r, my cumulative college GPA is 2.94.<br />
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Thanks iPound, you're too kind :-) Just out of curiosity, what's the one exception?

What are your grades like?

Thanks, Shortie :-)<br />
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Are you suggesting that I could go to graduate school for psychology while simultaneously studying music at the undergraduate level? Wouldn't that be a bit overwhelming?