Staying Alive For The Baby

My husband has not wanted to have any contact (touching, kissing, even holding my hand) since before the baby was born. Made the mistake of leaving my friends and family in 1998 to move to his city when it seemed so exciting. Made the mistake of marrying him 2 years later--even though he was already quite critical and didn't like to talk to me very much. But we did have fun sometimes and I wasn't getting any younger. Made the mistake of starting Fertility treatments and deciding that it was more important to have a baby with a difficult husband than to leave and have a happier life. Can't see my beautiful daughter as a mistake...but it's hard at 3 am to stop the screaming in my head. I never thought I'd be in a loveless marriage.I don't have anyone to talk to. The baby keeps me alive. I try to just think of my husband as a willing financial benefactor, occasional babysitter, reasonably neat roommate, and good Daddy to the baby. But it's hard to give up. I'd be happier if I did. I know this probably sounds pretty good to you who are truly single moms. I know I'm whining. But maybe if I refer to myself as a single mom I can start thinking of myself that way, and it will hurt less.. I can't imagine taking my baby's daddy from her, so I'm going to stay right here. Others have it worse.
brendancer brendancer
46-50
4 Responses Aug 7, 2010

Sorry to say it but you should not live like that. You child may have a Daddy but your relationship with her father will have a lasting impact on her! Don't put here through it, and don't put yourself through it! Get out, find love, find happiness, find fulfillment! If he truly is a good dad he will find a way to stay in her life! You both deserve better!<br />
I truly feel for you and hope and pray that you find someone who will appreciate you! God Bless!

Stay where you are and suffer for the rest of your life. That's much better than leaving him,suffering for a brief period of time while going through the divorce, then getting on with your life. There are millions of rescuers out there just waiting for you to be available.You may wind up just as unhappy as you are now but, you can at least be sexually satisfied while being unhappy.Since it's been a year and six months from your initial post, I would be interested it what you've done about your situation during that time.

Tell you what, don't leave; stay right there in that mess and drag your kid through it with you. Afterall, she's only a human being and she'll never know that you and her dad aren't in love and she'll never blame herself for it or resent you for staying in that bottomless pit you call a loveless marriage. I mean, who wouldn't want to be raised by two people who apparently don't love or like each other. AND I know this sounds mean but I don't want your kid to grow up the way my siblings and I did. We were kids going through adult crap because they were either too selfish, scared, stubborn or whatever to let it go and move on. I almost 40 and I don't trust anybody. Never been married. Very short relationships. No one can get close to me because I figure if your can't get something as simple as love and trust from good ole' mom and dad who can you get it from? How do you commit without trust? My sister is in an abusive mess. My brother is in his next marriage with kids everywhere and "stepping out" on this wife because, hey, that's all he's ever seen. Think about it. I'm sure you want her to be a loving and great person and have love in her life. How can you teach her something you can't even do and then tell yourself you stayed in this miserable situation because you didn't want to take her from her dad. She'll figure it out. My mom told us she stayed with my whoremongering, drunk, abusive, low life dad because "she had children". We actually believed we were the reason for all that hell that went on around us. If this guy is so great of a dad he'll do right by the baby. She's not the problem. You and he are. Don't do that to your baby. Sorry about being so abrubt. That's what being raised by an a--hole will do to you. Good luck. My heart truly goes out to you.

How sad for you Brendancer, I just left a loveless, sexless marriage and my heart goes out to you and anyone that stays in such a soul numbing relationship. I feel so much better now that I am on my own again, you cannot imagine the relief to be out from under the pain of that failed union. Speaking of pain, I can feel the pain as you speak of leaving where you are from and going to live with a man, because you were not getting any younger and wanted a child. It is so human to want those things, and it sounds like you "settled" although you probably felt that it was not "right" at the time that you did it. I can so relate to what you are saying because I did the similar thing except the childbearing piece, and it was the biggest mistake of my life! You are not whining, being so ignored and dismissed is cruel and unusual treatment of anyone.....i can attest to that.<br />
I responded to another member on this site that I feel that these types of men have some type of emotional/mental disability such as autism ( I have an autistic son) that makes them unable to love and respond in a normal way, as well as having a profound lack of empathy and compassion for the people that they are doing this to. I had to tell myself that as well, as to think that my soon to be x was doing such a hateful thing to me volitionally was too much to bear. My best to you in whatever you choose and I hope that you find a solution that works for you, just be aware that many others have tread your path!