M So Confused.

I have read other sites about this topic. I am 33 and boyfriend/roommate is 46. We've known each other for almost 4 years moved in together two years ago. Initially there was attraction, we met on a sex chat line and had phone sex for 4 months before we met each other. We got along well - could talk for hours -he said he was dating someone else when we started talking and met - but that the relationship was pretty much over, she lived 10 hours away and that there was not much there, but that until he saw where we might go - he didn't want to "blow that out of the water and hurt her"  So... at that point I accepted that we would just be friends. I was hurt, but he was just a brilliant person (smart, funny, goodhearted and really gentle)  that I realized that I'd rather be his friend than not know him at all. During the "friendship" period we did not have intercourse, but he would get drunk on my visits to his place and request oral sex - and I obliged... and sometimes he would share that he wanted to see me "service" other men -and I did that too - thinking that it was kinky and he said he loved it and me more when I was slutty. :-( I know I should just end there and go right to my local mental hospital and check in. Anyhow - The girlfriend broke up with him (she was cheating on him and got pregnant) and we became closer. We were beginning to be more intimate, but still no intercourse or oral for me... just for him. Then - before I moved in with him -we had a traumatic thing happen to us regarding my kids from a previous relationship - too complicated to explain (if you can believe that)but nothing that left us unable physically to have sex and that was 2 1/2 years ago. We've fought about his drinking and our lack of sexual relationship and made up more times than I can count. He's been abusive while drunk - and is ashamed of himself and hates himself for it, and I've left so many times and he vowed to stop drinking, and he hasn't completely  - but it's never a "DRUNK" issue anymore.  He says there's too much pressure about sex and that he does love me and I care for him, but find that I'm respecting him less and less because I don't believe him. I can't believe that he loves me or cares for me and would let me suffer such pain and craving for affection. I'm trying to accept that we can be friends and not want sex. I've never cheated on anyone in my life and I need to feel wanted. I feel totally ignored sexually and like we are playing at being a real couple, which is worse. I've tried talking about it with him, and he just says that he needs less pressure - I'm sleeping on the couch and I can't imagine what less pressure I can put on him. I've seen several therapists and it's always  - well - make the decision if I'm staying or going. And, I'm so confused. We're 3 months with no alcohol related issues - and I'm not sure what to do. I know that no one can tell me what to do - I just needed to know if I'm completely crazy for staying. I know that life is messy and I do care about this guy, I just feel like I should care about myself more than I am. I take care of almost everything, house repairs, shopping, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and finances. When I have gotten overwhelmed, I've communicated that I can't and don't want to handle everything... so he's started helping and I'm happy with his help. It just feels that I am not getting what I need and he is and that makes me so angry. I've been through all of the questions, is it me, did I do something, I've lost weight - changed my appearance, and still nothing. I didn't lose it for me, I lost it because he said I was too fat, and he was right, but I still resented it. Help.
M009 M009
1 Response Aug 14, 2010

It's a vicious cycle isn't it...? I'm in a similar situation sista. My bond to him now is financial and that's about it. I own the house, but he is paying the mortgage and I pay everything else...because of the financial predicament I m in I can't afford the house on my own...and have become a prisoner to him financially.<br />
I too just wrote my story here...look for 'Tale of two computers"...Its difficult to know what to do, but whatever you decide you have to be true to yourself. I'm finding more and more these types of guys are looking for a Mother figure not a partner. I'm tired of being "mom" , I want a man that treats me like the goddess I am. Know as I do that only you can fix this pain... Its a hard realization and we must be strong enough to execute it and know we are doing what is best for us as people. I have put far too much effort in the past 13 yrs to trying to make "him" happy thinking in return he will make me happy. Happiness is a choice...I realize no matter what I buy him....he won't be happy I am just getting myself in deeper debt and he continues to keep his thumb on me knowing I can't make a move due to lack of finances. Well, it's only stuff...and shortly I may be selling it all to free myself and spread my long clipped wings....after all there are no guarantees in life...we need to live it to the fullest....and never look back in regret.....<br />
Best of luck to you...do it for yourself . You are beautiful and deserve so much more as do I.