My Story....

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. We actually just passed 7 and a half years together. We use to have a healthy sex life. Then my brother died, he took his own life.

All our plans, including getting married, moving to a different state, having children, finishing college and our sex life is on hold since my brother's passing. i can't bring myself to have sex, to touch him, to be emotional with anyone. How do you fix it? whats wrong with me!?

I hear having issues in the bedroom is a normal thing when it comes to grieving. I don't know. My brother has been gone for a little over a year. Now my boyfriend thinks my emotional-numbness involves him but i explained it to him but i often wonder if he gets it.
ashgarbs ashgarbs
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 18, 2012

I hope many in your situation read what I am about to write. My wife lost her husband-"me". I loved her more than anything, our friends thot we were the Kennedys-"they" ate so in love, ..., and we were. Then she found out that I had been sexually abused for years as a kid and I had admitted that I had acted out-not knowing what was happening at the time in our marriage twice. She helped me find the best Male sexual abuse therapist in the USA, yah and he was in our own small California coastal town of Monterey. At first she was very supportive but then she with drew from me in all ways to where after a year, I was invisible. I was a walking man dead to her. She'd push me away for just a simple morning hug, sex was ended-I slept in the family room while she in "her" bed. Asking her continually to come to my sessions to help herself see what years of sexually abusing a Male child will cause but she "had no problems". ( but she did). As I got better, she got more bitter and left the relationship and I left for SC and friends that thot she was nuts to throw away 24+ years for such a reason. Her Male was fighting to get well and be the Male he wanted and she was letting just when he had gotten the help ALL Males that are abused should.

She lost me-I still love her but even our son has moved out of the house-3 yeas now since she has settled to work and sit in her house, not ever to be a Home again. "She" threw it all away from the lack of knowledge about "me". Was given full access to my secessions and yet told me that "I just want the OLD Steph back". Well I didn't-the Male that was tortured from years of emotional and physical abuse? H**L NO! So it is over now, I'm happier away from her-she wanted to be poison and keep me in my cage-like the predators that victimized me for over 10 years.

Do not do this to your BR/fiance. HE owns none of your grief! If it has touched your every facet of your relationship to include the bedroom, it's time to get help-not online but from a REAL PERSON-a professional. No one will stay around for it after they have had enough. The moment he sits in the quiet of the evening thinking what he did to cause all this,..., and then he sees, "NOTHING"-he'll be thinking about who then is throwing all this on him. and it will be "you".

You brother made his choice to leave this life. Suicide is not bothersome to me unless the person does not leave a letter telling all he loves that they were not the reason. In fact that note can heal a lot of things in relationships by example. Not to tell the REAL REASON for killing one's self is irresponsible at best-no one has the right to leave everyone who loves them wondering what "they" did to make the taking of one's life happen,..., no one! You are free of him you know-unless of course you know you had a hand in his sadness here in this life, which you most probably did not. He's free, he got his way, didn't grow tho-and that's the sad thing, but you are still here and looking like getting pretty close to ruining a great thing not only for yourself, BUT for the Male you love. Don't wear out this grieving thing. Y'know Harry Potter has so many great lessons-one of the best is not to grieve for the dead, grieve for the living and those who live without love. Simple message in a movie of fantasy and yet-so very true for us in the real world. "We" are here in the now, pull yourself back into life-it doesn't wait for us-you are lucky your BF has, but I wouldn't push it. Breath in life and live it-good and the bad, it's all a part of the package. And no one should have to hang on to someone that won't even hold on themselves. -Steph, in SC

How can you compare your story to mine? Its not the same. Not at all. If someone was to leave the one they love, over no sex and issues in the relationship-do to a death and figuring out life-I guess that relationship wasn't worth it. I've put up with a lot of crap from him. If I want to mourn the loss of ny brother, I can. Unless you have loss someone the same way, you have no idea. A letter, doesn't cut anything. Trust me. He did leave a letter. It was 6 pages. It was full of sorry. That he loved us but his life was full of hurt. Wife leaving, issues with his Dad, couldn't afford to live on his own with everything going on. Three children. Alimony. The letter still doesn't cure what ifs, should have, could have, and guilt, hurt, anger. If you think a lettet helps, then you obviously don't understand suicide or lost someone tragically. There is actually a book that my fiance started reading about the grieving and things they go through. I'm not just different with him. Im different with everyone. Friends, co workers. Family. I gave in my two weeks. Been at my work for 7 years. I don't care anymore. I tell people like it is. I go day by day. I live my life good. Your preaching to someone that could outpreach you. Trust me. I do a lot. But I'm fine with admitting I have emotional issues. Their not always there...and that includes sex.

Too bad you make this whole story about your boyfriend and you-you really should have told us all about your anger issues towards your brother. As for not knowing death, you can not live in the military world, as a dependent and Active Duty, and not know "loss". And yes I know about suicides too, buy they killed themselves and ended their lives. And yes left notes that I took as their reason to do it. They didn't kill me or end my life, you shouldn't let your brother's suicide do it to you. But it sounds like he is-you don't care, that's the first big step to loosing it all. And no my marriage was worth it, I have my son who I love dearly but his mother talks like you and that drove my son away from her as well-so there she sits, alone, stopping her life, quitting it all, and not caring-sound familiar? (does to me, I just read it in your bashing) I can find that silver lining-maybe you can. And clgsassy has the best information for you-you need help and not out of a book. good luck to you-and especially to your BF-he's a keeper for sure if he stays with you thru all this-but like I said, my wife didn't with me and I was the positive one-lol!!!-and it's very easy and sane to leave a relationship when all avenues are exhausted and your self survival instinct kick in. And I'm not a quitter on her-she quit on herself first and then on all who loved her, to include "me". What can you do for a person like that but save yourself?

Actually, I am the positive one. Sorry if I came off rude. I am not mad at my brother. Although, they say "grief comes in stages." I am over the being mad at him part. My brother had a messed up child hood being stuck with his dad for the time he was. Sadly, military didn't help him. I'm more of a thinker. I think too much. Process feelings too much. I know this will sound weird. Don't laugh. But...I hate to have sex, be touchy and cute becausr what if he can see me. LOL! I'm messed up.

I don't like the emotional part of things because I dont want more people leaving when they promised they wouldn't. I already started a therapy program. Its a group session though. God. I'm 24 years old and am emotional, physically, mentally and sexually detached from this world. What is wrong with me!? Hopefully i get better.

you will get better-if you want to. I had a huge reply and my Trampus jumped up to tell me breakfast was ready and wooosh-gone! LOL!!! But I can say that I joined the Army to die-I know the Shadow lands well. Join-up, go kill bad guys and get killed and leave the ones I loved $$$$$. Win Win. Problem was I didn't get killed! LOL!!! SO I lost the Army to vaccine induced Multiple Sclerosis,(flu shot, Hep B, pick one or all) and after all the homeless with family and all, my abuse came out and I lost the rest for but my son who stood beside me all the way. He saw the ole'Leo that was like the Lion in the Wind-I roared against an enemy I could not conquer. People join the military for many reasons, some dark. Scarie how you can feel those thinking the same thots too-I was not the only "honorable death" thinker.

But if filthy rich folks need therapy in their hard and struggling life, grin,-well I think us mere mortals are worthy of the service as well. I worked over 5 years to get my head on straight-then had no one to offer a truly great person to. I guess my effort here was to say-DON"T let it happen to you. I had no intentions to compare stories-it's what I enjoy about EP, I/we can share and what I wanted to share was "Isolation". At 55yo, I long for the feel of a Female that truly wants me, (Lord knows they want me in bed after they find out I'm not Gay but after that-a nice breakfast and a day out would be great too!)-it shouldn't be this way at my time of life I think. Isolation is a two edged sword-the side that the one is cutting them self on, the the edge that cuts all who know that person. My wife now sees all the damage that has been done by her behavior and has chosen to go even deeper into the shadows, I have truly been there and it's not pretty- please do not make this same mistake-care-fight-do not give up-"they" were worth it when times were great-why then would they not be worth it now? Figure out all your quirks-get it right and have a great life, we all deserve it! Be good-Steph in SC

1 More Response

So sorry for your incredible loss.
There is something called "complicated Grief; which simply put, is a loss that involves something(s) that add another powerful emotion to what is already a traumatic loss. In your case, when a loved one commits suicide, many times the emotion is guilt, and/or anger.
my suggestion is you may want to see a therapist that specializes in grief therapy, and get a lil help working through this.
wishing you well,
joyinthejourney, clg