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He Says He Loves Me But Won't Touch Me

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he won't touch me anymore. Every once in a while i'll get a peck and if we fight he'll give me a hug and peck with lots of I love you's. He says he loves me and that he knows it's difficult right now for us. He just isn't interested in sex right now. He told me he isn't cheating on me and that he loves me very much and he can't wait for our relationship to progress. I just don't understand how everything is a we and us for our future together but he can't even stand for me to cuddle up to him at night. I just don't understand that no matter how I try to let him know how I feel he listens but then still won't try to sometimes give me a hug when I ask. If I do ask he makes me feel bad for asking then tells me not to take it so personal. I just want us to be like we were before it all started to change.

peapers peapers 31-35, F 14 Responses Nov 27, 2009

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I have been with my boyfriend 3yrs in September . He always told me me that I need the sexual stamina which I have always have. He hasn't even made out with me I can't even remember. We have a 15 yr difference I am 43 he is 58 . He has no desire to even rub or any touch. I am beginning to feel like he treats me like a kid and his caretaker like someone to come home too and to do all the housework . I feel so distance . This is the first man that I have ever been with who shoes no affection what so ever . I feel helpless and so clueless.

I'm 23, have been in love with my boyfriend since I was 12. We
Have a 16 month old son and since his birth we have had sex only a handful of times- each time he stops after a few minutes, leaving neither of us "done". I've been telling him for months how I feel and he always gets mad. He says that's all I care about. He doesn't show me ANY kind of love. I'm now being forced to move with our son out of state- without my boyfriend and I'm terrified my family will be torn apart by this. This is our last weekend together and he still will not touch me. I do occasionally get upset and tell him I deserve better and he does not do anything to make me feel better, in fact he gets angry and claims I am the one who doesn't love or care about him. How do I make him see reality and take this situation seriously? He says he loves me and wants to be with me, however he doesn't show it, he cried for days after I told him I am moving an still will not show me intimacy. Is my relationship even worth saving?

Wow! i had no idea that there were so many women that are going through what i am going through. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years we have not had sex for 4. he is moody, selfish and emotionally cut off until i shake things up and tell him i deserve to be treated better. I have invested a long time with this man and we have become comfortable with each other most of the time. if he wakes up in a bad mood he wakes m up and finds stuff to ***** about and this sets me off! I have no desire to be married to him or anyone and neither does he so that is not the problem. I give 100 percent financially when i have it but he is the type that wants his money and yours. I am stuck at the present time meaning i am not in the position to leave financially at this time. He is rarely wrong (so he thinks) he snores like a freight train due to sleep apnea but refuses to use his machine meanwhile, I am losing sleep,Patience and pissed off that i am letting this man cause walls to to be built. I am a happy person with a positive attitude and he is very negative about mostly everything. thanks for letting me vent ladies.

I was in a similar situation. The sex was almost addictive for him the first 2 months (everyday, maybe 2 or 3 times a day). We had our first argument and he went cold, with sex getting less and less frequent. He only wanted to have sex in the morning, and it felt like he was not concerned with me getting off. He would blow hot and cold and whenever we would get back together after he broke up with me, we'd cycle again. I tried to talk to him respectfully and lovingly many times. At the end of the day, he had some mental health problems and this charade was a power play for him. He knew I had a healthy sex drive, and by depriving me, I needed something from him or wouldn't say no to his terms. My self esteem began to plummet, and I thought I wasn't attractive anymore. Please understand that it's not about you. You are loved and lovable exactly the way you are. You are gorgeous and deserve all the affection and touch that you want. He may have a mental illness or something else -- you might never know. Work on you and make sure you are happy. Love and support. xo

I am in the exact situation. It has been a year since he and I were together physically. Kissing is very basic, almost friend like. When I try to touch him there he pulls away or askes me to rub his foot, his knee, his back etc. We use to be very active, 3 times a day at some points. Then a tragedy occured his daughter was abducted. Since then life has been hell in our relationship, not violent, or abusive just so closed up, no laughter, no happiness. We use to share everything, now we struggle to even talk. I am in love with him, and he says he loves me. He had an emotional affair for a short time last year, but as far as I know it ended before it went to far. I remember one text said " You make me want to feel again", that just keeps ringing over and over again in my mind. I want him to feel again, but it wasnt me he was talking to. I have tried to talk to him, but he pulls everything back to the loss of his daughter ( she was taken by her mother). I dont know what to do, I feel like a heal for pressuring him so much.

I loved my ex and in 6 months never got any! He was full of excuses, so there's always some1 worse off. I have a complex now. The ex talked big and seemed attracted to me. He has kids from past relationships but was waiting 4 the right moment he said 4 me. Who ever heard of such a thing! By the time the right moment arrives the attraction's gone and I'm gone!

It's so unfortunate that we're all experiencing something that you would think would be the easiest act to perform. We're sexual beings naturally and it's very unnatural for us to have no desires for intimacy. My fiance too has changed but unlike some posters, I do know at least one reason why we don't have sex. My guy, early in his sexual awareness stage, had a woman introduce him to kinky sex w/outfits, thongs and dirty talk. From that point forward, he hasn't looked back to "the boring stuff" once. If he can't have thongs or a full sexy outfit, its like trying to have sex with a wet noodle, it ain't happening. He says he's very visual, like most men, and can't help it. I put stuff on sometimes, but it can't be a case of only wanting me if I'm wearing something sexy. What about just wanting me for me, period? When he tries to go beyond the visual, sex turns into a tiring episode of "up and down" because he can't stay engaged. Then, there are the nights where he's just "too tired" and doesn't want to disappoint me with either premature *********** or being able to fully perform period. I thought once we got engaged and moved-in together, sex would be very frequent. I keep telling him he's blessed in that he didn't get a woman that changes sexually once married and only has it on special occassions or say once a week on Wednesdays. I feel like the guy in the relationship begging for sex from his woman. There's no way I can marry a man that only touches me once or twice a month. Frustrated doesn't begin to explain how I'm feeling.

I can absolutely relate to "sadlycelibate"! I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a man that I love dearly - and who I know loves me with all of his heart. I am certain he is not having an affair, and while he assures me I am beautiful and that he is still very attracted to me, I can't help but feel there is something about me that is hindering his desire for sex. Like "sadlycelibate", my partner has significant OCD behaviours - and I believe he feels sex is a dirty act. Indeed he called himself a prude early on in our relationship.In the beginning we had sex often - but I always felt he was trying to please me, not himself. After awhile, when job stress got the best of him, he seemed to purposely avoid situations involving intimacy. Over time, this actually resulted in a temporary break-up as I began questioning his fidelity. We reunited within a few months because we really do love one another a great deal - but the wonderful sex we had in the beginning has never returned. I fear I will never again have an ****** while making love to the man I love.

Dear "sadlycelibate" -- I feel your pain. I've been in a 7 year relationship--sex stopped in year 2, marriage proposal in year 4, and engagement ring has been sitting in my desk drawer for nearly 3 years now. The idea of marrying someone who does not even want to have sex with you is very painful. Sounds like you are at least certain that he loves you...which is more than I can say for myself. How old are you? You should think about whether you want children. I have been this sexless relationship for 7 years and am now 40, which means I have lost my opportunity to have children. That is a mistake that I want you to avoid! You are not alone...good luck.

Same here. Nearly 5 years invested into a relationship...even proposal and the last three years have had no intimacy...actually closer to four. I love this man, and i know that he loves me, but the real question is---do you marry someone knowing that this is an issue, and questioning whether you can be okay with it for the rest of your life? He has OCD, and is high anxiety over every little thing in life. I tell myself that he deserves to be love too, and if I don't tolerate his unfortunate issues, who will? At the same time, I feel rejected, I feel like there is something huge missing from my life, and I miss the intimacy not just the sex. I have a major sex drive...and this is incredibly difficult. His body doens't cooperate (down there anyway)...BUT...that doesn't excuse why he doesn't do other things, and why he doesn't try to be intimate in other ways like hand play or passionate kissing etc. I keep telling myself its because he feels defeated; like less of a man. But am I enabling this behavior? Grrrrrr.....I tried counseling which got me no where. Any thoughts from others out there?

I know it's awful being with someone who has no interest in sex. I'm a high libido woman in a relationship that has turned sexless and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.

I don't understand it. How is it there are so many women in sexless relationships. Why didn't I end up with a woman who wants "it all the time?" All I've ever wanted was to be desired sexually by my partner. The only time I felt that way was when she wanted something (Like I want to have a baby).<br />
I can't keep my hands off my wife and all I hear is "that's all you want," or "I'm tired," or "how about later?" It really ****** me off. I'm not ugly, I try to be romantic, I'm paitient I always try to make her *** first. I am not a wham bam thank you ma'am kind of guy.

I don't understand it. How is it there are so many women in sexless relationships. Why didn't I end up with a woman who wants "it all the time?" All I've ever wanted was to be desired sexually by my partner. The only time I felt that way was when she wanted something (Like I want to have a baby).<br />
I can't keep my hands off my wife and all I hear is "that's all you want," or "I'm tired," or "how about later?" It really ****** me off. I'm not ugly, I try to be romantic, I'm paitient I always try to make her *** first. I am not a wham bam thank you ma'am kind of guy.

I am in the same situation. Exact. He tells me things will change and that it is just circumstances. I just miss the connection we used to have. I know how hard it is not to blame yourself.