This Came Out of Left Field!

I got the brain fusing, cell damaging, heart crushing shock of a lifetime!  My youngest daughter, the one that listened to me when I said do your school work and stay out of trouble, who I nursed 24/7 when her leg was broken, who I bought clothes for when I had nothing, who I made sure went on school trips, whom I trusted, whom I forgave for the OTHER terrible incident, came at me again like gangbusters!  I am having a really hard time financially because my son is staying with me and doesn't seem too concerned about the fact that I don't have the money to keep buying him food every 8 days!  I'm stressing and he's eating.  Well, I got down to my last money 2 days ago and I have nothing.  So in desperation I called my YB and innocently asked her to let me BORROW $40 dollars and said that I would pay her back on the first of August. She said yes and I waited. And waited. And waited.  Four hours later there still hadn't been a transfer for me at the Western Union so I sent her a text message.  I got no response.  Another 3 hours went by and I sent her another and still got no answer.  Something told me to check my email and when I did there it was.  She had written a book and had said that she didn't want to give me $40 dollars because she wants to keep her credit in good standing, that she wanted to buy a house, that she wanted to have kids, that she has a car note, and two credit card bills and that she has to buy groceries and it went on and on as if LENDING her MOTHER $40 dollars would be the end of her financial existence and she'd pay for it for the rest of her life! That wasn't what threw my mind out.  This child of mine said her therapist told her that I use guilt on her.  Work with me on that one.  A person uses guilt to get things or to make someone feel responsible to get something.  It all comes back to getting something from someone.  I HAVE NOTHING!!!  I don't ask my YB for anything and I certainly don't use guilt to get anything from her or anybody else. I have borrowed exactly $80 dollars from her over a 3 year period.  She hasn't done anything else for me!  I have sacrificed and did without for ALL of them from day one.  I have put them first over me in all things from food to clothes to toys.  I THOUGHT I was being a good mother but apparently not because the OTHER bomb she dropped was that it was MY fault that she and the other two were "jacked up" as she put it. She blames ME for how their lives turned out.  They made their OWN choices and went against everything that I wanted for them.  I tried to get the oldest daughter to behave in school and get her work done but she chose not too. I tried to get her into job corps or the military but she refused to get her GED and to better her life.  I stopped kissing her behind about it when she was 27! I call that motherly devotion but others called it stupidity.  As for my son he was a straight F student from the 8th grade on up and he also did not graduate high school.  I tried to get him to go into job corps or go into the military and HE chose to fight me tooth and nail also and that was HIS choice.  I don't see how she can actually blame me for the decisions that THEY made against what I was trying to do for them.  She's the one who listened to me.  She got good grades. She went into the military. I busted my behind getting her into the Army. They didn't want to let her in because of her broken leg.  I ran around this town like an idiot getting medical documents and approvals and I was determined that she would get in because SHE wanted to do it.  I fought the Army for her and she was accepted!She was so sad and stressed out about he leg hurting her and I would send her 18, YES, 18, letters every 2 days and not a day went by that she didn't have some humorous diversion to take her mind off of her physical problems.  She even shared my letters with her fellow booters to lighten their minds too. When she couldn't pass her run test in boot camp she called me crying about it and told me that they were going to put her out and she didn't want to get out so I called her commanding officer and spoke to him about her problem and her determination to succeed and what an asset she would be to the service and he took it into consideration and the next thing I know he's called her out to the amazement of her drill sergeants and given special consideration and she's able to pass her test and is on her way to training school.  They gave her a medical rating that allowed her to walk the track instead of having to run it. YB told me about the things that she wanted, believing that giving me $40 would take away from it and the fact of the matter is if it wasn't for MY efforts and my faith she wouldn't even be in the Army to try and get those things!  She wouldn't be in college either. She wouldn't have the things that the Army has given her personally and financially if it wasn't for this mother that she says ruined the lives of all three of her children. It hasn't occurred to her that I raised her too and she made better choices and did as she needed to be successful. She messed up when she turned her back on me over that abusive tank head man she hooked up with.  From the time that she was 12 on up I had told her if a man raises his hand to you the first time leave him alone it'll just get worse.  She always said yes mother I know.  Then when it comes down to doing it she doesn't leave and lets this man beat on her, choke her, and burn her with cigarettes. THAT'S why she cut herself. I have suspected that HE did the cutting and she took responsibility for it. From the time that she became involved with him our relationship changed and then became non-existent.  She let him cut me out of her life JUST LIKE I TOLD HER A CONTROLLING MAN WOULD DO and he cut her off from her friends and her work began to suffer.  He asked her to marry him and common sense kicked in and she said no and he beat her up again.  This time she called the MP's and the hauled him away. He wasn't prosecuted because they said he was bi-polar and suffered mental problems from having served in Iraq. His leaving didn't change the attitude that YB had acquired against me and for the last 3 years I've pretty much left her alone.  She does her own thing and calls whenever the mood hits her. I would send her I love you's now and then just to let her know that it didn't matter how she felt about me because I have grasped unconditional love and that's how it is.  So now she is hating me and blaming me for her choices and with the help of her therapist has once again turned on me and this time I'm not even going to try and make her see right.  I sent her a response to that shocking email telling her that I was finished with her and if she thought a $40 loan to her mother for food would ruin her entire financial future and cause her credit to go bad and make her lose her car and credit cards then her mother need not exist for her anymore. I decided then and there to end the charade that she's been playing at and I am no longer in "mother" status to her or any of the other ones.  They are all of the same mind believe it.  I see things differently than they do.  I thought I was a good mother but they don't think so or they wouldn't keep using me and then kicking me in the teeth when they think the deed is done until they come back the next time and do the exact same thing.  They know that I love them and they use it against me like sadists. See that's another drawback to unconditional love.  As a parent, no matter what that child does you love them and would help them even if it means giving what you have and leaving nothing for yourself and of course not expecting or getting anything in return.  I got malice and animosity for my efforts to help and guide my children. If my kids had had a taste of what it was like having a mother like WE did then they would certainly show some kind of genuine appreciation for the kind of mother that I am. My mother wasn't a bad mother but she did bad things, some very hard to forgive, but we managed to put them aside and love her regardless.  My children don't love me. That's basically what the case is.  I've accepted it and now I'm doing something about it for MY own good.  YB is out of my life and this morning I sent the worst terror out of the 3 a text message telling her that she's out and once my son leaves for Job Corps he's out until he graduates and returns to my home in order to enlist into the Army and should he mess up and not graduate from Job Corps, he's out too permanently.  I told him that to his face.  It's time to get control of my life away from the needs and demands and selfishness of my children.  I'm living for me now and I have plans for my own future and I'm not worrying about theirs anymore. When I can afford to I'm getting my phone number changed and I've already told my oldest daughter that I want to be left alone so she won't come around my home. I don't want to be a mother to them anymore period.  As for my grandchildren, there's nothing to be done about that.  I believe they might care more for me but their mother has put poison in their minds against me too out of jealousy and spite.  She said she doesn't want them loving me more than they love her so she's talked bad about me and keeps them away from me when they ask to see me all the time.  That's her solution to the problem! Ridiculous. I have taken my first steps to independence and I'm moving forward and putting the bad things along the side to have a good, positive future.  I think I might begin to date too.  I put a social life on hold to raise my children and keep them safe and ended up not wanting the complication of having a man in my house after they left as adults should they come around so I just stayed by myself these past 14 years.  That was a good decision too. Look where my son is right now.  He wouldn't live with me if I had some man up in here.  Once he's situated though things can change!  I wished YB success and that she gets ALL of the things she mentioned in her berating email.  I can only wonder if she feels it's worth losing her mothers care and dedication over $40 that she would have gotten back in exactly 11 days!

Comprehensive2 Comprehensive2
4 Responses Jul 19, 2007

Maybe she doesn't have $40 right now and has promised herself she won't use her credit card.
Often we are unaware of what our children are feeling or why they are doing the things they do. My son also was the perfect child. I recently learned that he thinks I'm very critical of him, even though I always think I'm bending over backwards to NOT criticize him. Kids who are very sensitive to their parents' moods can become people-pleasers. They feel anxious or guilty when their parents have a hard time, so they try to be extra-good. Later they may come to resent feeling guilty and that they missed out on being carefree as children.
As a child, I tried so hard to be good that I was crushed and embarrassed when my mother criticized me or scolded me. Those are the times I remember most today. My sisters, who as children were more happy-go-lucky than I, did things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing. They are both much more cheerful today about doing things for my mom than I am. And they both acknowledge that she would probably be angry with me if I did or said some of the things they do.
I think my mother expected too much of me because I was the oldest child, even though I was only 11 months older than my next younger sister. My mom and dad both had lots of older brothers and sisters. Neither of them knew what it was like to be the oldest. My mother expected me to give in to my sisters because I was older, and I always thought she was unfair. I didn't get any extra privileges because I was older.
Just some food for thought.

I'm 20 yrs. old and my relationship with my mother wasnt that strong when I was younger, now that I'm older I realize that she's the clostest thing to my heart. She's my Soul. My Mother is the ONLY person in this world that does not judge me, and I can tell her anything! Im not a parent, but I can only imagine how much it hurts for a parent who's raised children and sacrificed their own lives and get no appreciation in return. But I always say that parents are the ones that **** their children up, dont take it personally, what I mean is We're all human, even parents...And parents dont always go about things the correct way. Nobody is perfect. I dont know your children, but maybe they have unresolved issues you dont know abou. ex. I remember my Mom used to literally steal my savings as a child, and borrow me and my brothers money without ever paying it back. It's something that truly used to bother me....But My Mom is more important than money, and your children will realize that themselves later, they might still be immature and not understand what it's like to provide for a family alone. I think the best thing you said was "I'm living for me now and I have plans for my own future and I'm not worrying about theirs anymore. " I completely agree, your kids are grown, let them go... But I wouldnt completely disappear out of their lives for good. Keep lightly in touch, but live your life. Just because you have children doesnt mean you have to be alone and have no life. You birthed them, fed them, clothed them and love them, now it's their turn to do it for themselves. YOU DID YOUR JOB. My Mother got divorced from my father and she ended up as a struggling single mom, and we were in a foreign country (originally from Scandinavia) without any family. She ended up leaving, and went home while I stayed in the US and that's ok because I want her to be happy and it also gave me a new appreciation for her. But I know that if I ever need her, she would be there. But I do agree it's selfish not to let you borrow $ to feed you and your son, but you cant really hold it against her. Its her money. But I do agree that it's the least she coud do for you. I have a brother who eats my mother out of the house, so she made him get a job and buy his own food! :) Anyways, I wish you the best of luck, I think your kids will come around, if not all three of them one of them will. They will understand one day. Until then have fun and live your life!! xoxo

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You should watch the old version of "guess whose coming to dinner" there is a line in there that is very profound. It says that children do not owe their parents anything. It was your choice to have kids. It was not your daughters choice to have you as a mother. You are responsible for her, not the other way around. It would be a shame for this to destroy your relationship with her and any future grandchildren. Remember you are the parent. It is hard, I know. But you brought her into this world you owed all those things to her until she was able to do it for herself.

I can certainly sense the emotions in your letter. I can understand where your coming from. I too have had a simular event in my/daughters lives. <br />
You have to let them do their own thing...whether it hurts you or not. You have to be the one strong enough to never ask your children for anything...even if that meant your grown son going hungry! As for you at that time, you should have made an example of your responsibility then and booted him out. And for your daughter, she should have never been asked for a penny. She has every right to refuse you. She's an adult in the eyes of our society. If she chooses to be with a loser that is her choice. And if you can't see your grand children for WHATEVER reason...You have to pray about the entire situation. Be willing to walk away without saying anything negative about your adult children. Simply speak positive things over their lives and stay on your knees. God's divine mercy will be given to you when you are ready to get rid of this kind of emotion you have and willing to let your heart be in full forgiveness for whatever it is that you may have done and full forgiveness for them as well....Only then can you live with peace. Don't feel you've been wronged by your life, none of us really understand why ones behavior is so in-human toward us. But sometimes it just is and that's why the world is an evil place with the enemy attached to it. The enemy gets in our thoughts, ideas and suggestions. Even Jesus himself was attacked by the enemy this way. There is no rule that say's that the enemy is not to put a thought, idea or a suggestion in our childrens mind, just because we're a parent. And you must know that that this is not something you can fix on your own. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.