My TransformationMy HOH and I will celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary in June. We met at a very young age and dated until we turned 21 and married. I would describe our marriage as good. We've had our ups and downs. I worked while my HOH was in graduate school but when he finished I was able, with his blessings, to quit working outside the home and became a stay at home mom. (And why do we classify it as a "Stay at home Mom" but never as a "Stay at home Wife"? Why is the role of wife so much less important than the role of mother in our society? Imagine the looks you would receive at a party if you answered the standard questions with "Oh I'm a stay at home wife." No one would even know what you do. And those who gave it a thought would feel so sad and sorry for you thinking it must be horrible waiting on a man hand and foot and how you must hate it." If they only knew the true freedom and eroticism received by giving yourself, all that you are, heart and soul to a man...but I digress...
When I quit to stay home full time I didn't really know what I would do with myself. I had been in the work force from the age of 16. So I took a deep breath and asked my HOH what his expectations were. What did he want when he came home each night. And being the loving man that he is and not expecting the question at all he answered that he wanted me to do anything that made me happy. You see I love to be creative. I dabble in so many things and he knew I'd enjoy having the freedom to let that side of me have free reign. And I did enjoy it, for a time. But being the free spirit I am I tend to lack structure and self discipline. I get lost in the creative process and would forget to check back in to the real world.
So, after lazily cruising the internet last week I stumbled onto the Taken in Hand website then bouced to the Christian Domenstic Discipline site followed by the Domestic Discipline site. Wow!! It really hit a chord within me. After reading for hours and hours I knew down to my smallest atom that THAT was what I wanted. But more than that. I NEEDED to be Taken in Hand. I needed my HOH's strength like my body craved water to survive. I just never knew, I never understood myself that well.
So, this past Thursday, May 20, I took another deep breath and I asked my HOH to consider changing our relationship somewhat. I have been unhappy and restless for some time, not with my HOH per se, but with how things in our life have been going. The house is always a mess, home made meals are hit or miss, the girls (we have 3) seem out of control. To say the least my HOH comes home from work each night to bedlam with only a slim chance that there would be any sex whatsoever.
I shared the websites with him. I shared my thoughts, my desires, my needs with him. Then I looked in his eyes, those loving, intelligent, kind, strong eyes and asked if would take me as his submissive wife...to love and to hold, to cherish and to protect, to guide and to train? To Take me in Hand with his strength and authority, his wisdom and his power. And yes, to discipline me with strength and authority whenever he feels I need it. I asked him to think about our life. To muse on how things have been and to decided how he wants them to be for him, for the children, and for me. I asked him to allow me, to guide me, to teach and to train me so that I could make this home truly HIS castle. So that when he thought of rest and relaxation he thought of home. I want to serve him in every way. Not just in the bedroom, but in all aspects of our life. And to my utter joy he said yes. He even told me on Saturday that he'd been thinking about the discussion we'd had before when I'd asked what his expectations were and he was going to re-introduce that discussion. But he truly loved than I had found a better way for us.
We are truly babies in this new relationship we have. I find it colors everything I do. I think of him from the moment I awake until I close my eyes. I think of him as I get the kids off to school and pick up my list of things to do. And as I do each item I try so hard to do more than he asked. And every time I look at the list of commands my tummy flips when I think of the power and authority he wields over me. Yes, I think of the discipline that I could receive which I haven't yet. I don't know how that will work yet, but I will submit to whatever he deems I need. I can't even believe how, with this simple act of giving myself to him, has multiplied my love for him.
One of the rules he has instituted is that I am to be waiting on his bed, alone (no children or animals) when he comes home. I am to be there for his needs and I am to ask if he would like me to suck on him or if he would like to use me in anyway. And we talk. In this first week of our new relationship I have come to eagerly look forward to my waiting time. I sit and I go over in my head every item on his list and I mentally assure myself that all was done and would be pleasing to him. Then I clear my mind of all the day's chaos and I find a calm, peaceful place I can offer him when he comes to me. Then I hear him greet the children and I wait a little longer as he hears about their day. Then he comes to me...and allows me to serve him...