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R We The Only Ones?

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We've been using discipline in our marriage for almost a year. It is going great, except we wish we had like minded friends. We have kept this private from friends and family, but that is kind of lonely. We live in Utah.
tryn2bsweet tryn2bsweet 31-35, F 7 Responses Dec 7, 2010

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We have a taken in hand relationship too

Utah, be very careful. Not to scare you but HOH and I had a very bad experience with this. Short version? My sister called (not the first time... or the 50th) complaining about her husband, their relationship, lost the romance of the first year, she's taken for granted... you get the idea. I mentioned that she should check out, as it really helped our relationship when things started to get difficult between us. So she did. Big mistake on my part!<br />
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She focused entirely on the discipline aspect and assumed that HOH was beating and raping me every day. Didn't bother to call me and ask, but called our parents instead. Who called the local cops. Who came to our house to explain that they were "just checking on things" as they looked at HOH like he was something found on the bottom of their shoes!!! Of course, the more I say "He has never raised a hand to me," the more people don't believe me. HOH used to have a great relationship with my family - now neither of us do becuase my parents and sis all think that he is some psycho control freak abuser. And my mom calls everyday. Just to see how things are. Awesome. Good thing we live 4 states away from them and HOH has decided to have a sense of humor about her calls.<br />
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Anyhow, just be very careful who you mention this to. If people ask, use the phrase "traditional" or "very old fashioned." TiH couples understand the code. Non-TiH just think you are a little nuts - which is better than what happened to us!<br />
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By the way, there is no corporal punishment in our TiH relationship. He really has never spanked me, sent me to timeout or to stand in the corner. He just leaves, goes into his office and stays away from me, and that is the single worst thing that he could ever do. His disappointment is more than I can stand. We have been practicing TiH for 5 years and he has not had to do that for 3 years. I need him and his approval too much!

tryn2bsweet, have you visited the Taken in Hand website? You may be able to find like-minded couples there-- actually, you definitely should, lol! I do identify with your caution and your frustration. This is such a personal side of our lives, and I think we want to keep safe those most private things, especially when they can be misunderstood by people looking in.<br />
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I agree, too, that it is something a lot of people simply WOULDN'T understand, because of course unlike BDSM, which features discipline that can be applied to any "Submissive" partner, TiH is a domestic relationship where "the man actively controls the woman" -- that is, it is defined by the gender of the dominant and submissive spouse, meaning if the male spouse is submissive, then it is, by definition, NOT a Taken in Hand relationship. This gender-specific division could understandably make people who love you nervous when they hear that you "submit because you want the man to be in charge" because to somebody unfamiliar with TiH, this could look like domestic abuse.<br />
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I don't have any fear of what some people seem to believe is a kind of feminist agenda, and I actually consider myself to be a feminist because I support the right of every man and woman to choose the career and lifestyle which best suits them, provided they aren't hurting anybody (unwilling) in the process. Taken in Hand does not prohibit a woman from being a strong and opinionated human being; to the contrary, I think many TiH wives are just that. The key is that no matter how strong her opinions, the TiH wife agrees that her husband's say is final. I know that the TiH lifestyle is NOT for everybody and would never presume to tell anyone they had to adopt it. I am in a TiH marriage because it works for me and for the wonderful man I married, and our mutual happiness is our primary concern. I enjoy pleasing him, and trust him to make wise decisions for our home. We chose this lifestyle because it works for us.<br />
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If somebody were to find out about your relationship by accident, you might want to fr<x>ame it like that to help them understand-- explain that this is your lifestyle and your freely-made choice. That you are a fully-functioning human being, who freely chose to hand the power of executive decision to the husband you love and trust. This may go a long way toward helping them respect it, even if they don't understand. You could even say "we are in a consensual BDSM relationship" which, although it may be wide of the truth, is an adult response which is usually accepted by rational adults.<br />
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I do hope you can find friends close by to whom you would NOT have to explain yourselves with such care. The TiH website may be helpful there. I agree, it would be so nice just to have folks you could go out to dinner with once in a while, and not have to keep your guard up!

Dear Utah friend. My husband and I are in the same boat. I am in a taken in hand relationship. We've been prActicing it for a year. We are still learning and tweaking the system. We have kind of put it on hold but that is another story in itself. Anyway, immfrom Ohio. I know that's pretty far, but it would be nice to associate with like minded friends. All my friends would think I was crazy! My parents would have him rot in jail, and so would his folks. Anyway. If you are interested, send me a private message! Maybe we could Bounce ideas and concerns of each other and share stories. Let me know what you think! Make sure to read my profile too.

You are not the only ones. There are many of us out there. <br />
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While I do not share other people's negative attitudes towards feminists, I do say that you may wish to keep this to yourself because it seriously is no one else's business!

What the other commenter said is true. The last thing you want to do is tell some feminist that your husband disciplines you. Feminists are in a league with Muslim radicals as among the most vicious characters on earth, and you don't want to give them opportunity to seek to destroy your husband. The website as well as this website offer safe opportunities to interact with others. It's ironic that the women who abhor strong men are in the minority, not the majority, yet they have the upper hand politically, so you must be wary of them.

That is the only problem with this relationship lifestyle, It is usally just the two of you. A lot of TiH couples do not discuss their relationships with family or friends for fear of rejection or the husband being called an "abuser". <br />
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If you meet another couple in a TiH relationship, how close are you really to the other wife that you would want to share the intimacy of your marriage? So it becomes a catch 22. And if you do decide to share a comment or your feelings, will she tell her husband and will it be misconstrued and come back to haunt you?<br />
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That is the same dilema my husband and I are facing, along with many other couples in the same situation. I think the fact that it's just the two of you talking, might also be the reason why the TiH couples bond so close to each other. Because there is no outside intervention.