My Biggest Misstep So Far...

I have made a huge mistake in my tih relationship. Probably the biggest misstep I have ever made, with the most wonderful man I’ve ever known.  Were this a ‘normal’ TIH situation, I would have been turned over his knee and spanked firmly, until I was made to feel every moment of my transgression, my disrespect, and my disobedience.

Honestly, I would prefer my bottom to be hot and sore right now as I write this, because it would relieve me of the horrible guilt I have to carry inside, until my man comes home.  He is far away, in a dangerous place, working constantly in order to care not only for me and my son, but four other children he has been responsible for much, much longer.  He is responsible for so many, and has taken on me and my son without even being asked too..  

This man steps up EVERYDAY for so many, and I have been blatantly disrespectful his time.  I have been consistently late in meeting with him at my appointed time, when he has other’s waiting on him for instruction.  Not only am I devaluing his time, I am disregarding theirs as well.  I just feel awful.

To make matters worse when he finally snapped last night, instead of being appropriately contrite and ashamed,  I reacted like a petulant child!  I was defensive, angry and didn’t even have the distance or perspective to realize how childish I was behaving until many hours later, in the light of day. I made a few easy adaptations to my daily routine, and I will never have to keep him waiting again.  And he never should have to be waiting for me when he is so far away.  I should be what makes him happy and relaxed, not what brings him frustration and impatience.  

If ONLY there were a consequence to my truly inappropriate behavior.  If only I could be shown my place over his knee..  But I have no release from my guilt, and my tantrum.  All I have is an anxiety that won’t go away.
starvingchef starvingchef
31-35, F
7 Responses Sep 21, 2012

That is a hard situation - Many look at discipline as something evil. Most do not understand the firm discipline creates a bond, is a form of forgiveness and cleansing, and releases your guilt. You did something wrong, you knew it - you know you need punishment. I applaud you and hope you receive what you desire most.. or at least know what is needed to conintue to grow the relationship.

Hopefully he will catch up on your discipline upon return.

I know that nothing compares to a firm spanking; however, have you tried to suggest an alternative that could alleviate some of your frustration or anxiety? Good luck with your journey.

I agree with the others. Tell him your thoughts and feelings either at your appointment together or through a letter or email. Not only will it help you, it will help him as well.
*Hugs* and good luck.

Thank you, ladies. Your support means everything to me, but doesn't take away my guilt. But I do love you guys! Thanks

Oh sweetheart. Your story brings tears to my eyes. You need to tell him exactly what you have told us here and ask his forgiveness. You are also going to have to find a way to forgive yourself, as he is not here to help you with that right now.
You know deep in your heart we have all been guilty of such behavior. You are not alone. Hugs

I would write a heartfelt email to him to show that you now see things from his side because it will do the world of good for you at least you will feel that you have made the first step. He will in no doubt will put you in your place when you meet together in person and there will be no argument (one hopes) from you and he will feel better about the situation and no doubt you will have atoned for it. Don't get yourself all worked up, at least you know what you can do and there is an air of predictability in having this resolved. Ask in the mean time what you can do to make it up to him and do the assigned thing or have the discipline to await further instructions and go about your day until the appointed time and place.
Peace and Love