Post

Guilt

Ok so I'm dissapointed in myself and even a little embarrassed to admit the things that I am about to admit in the story to come but I feel like I need to get it off my chest and get some advice from people who have the same type of relationship as I do.

My boyfriend and I came up with rules very early in the relationship and I agreed to all of them. I was fully aware what not to do and I knew that there would be consequences to not meeting his expectations. One of the rules that he has for me is that I can not get anything lower than a B on all school assignments. He wants me to do well in school and he also wants me to maintain my honors status. This rule was purely for my benefit and I know that.

Well, the days leading up to a test I had at school where chaotic. There was a lot of stress and I let nmyself give in to letting other things get in the way of my studying. The day of the test came before I knew it and I ended up only getting a 70 on it, which is not representative of what I am capable of at all. I told my bf my grade and he told me I would be grounded for one week and that the reasoning behind that would be that I was to stay home with no distractions and study so that I could bring that grade up. His only concern was for me to excell in my classes.

Anyways, a couple days into my punishment I snuck out for a while. I know that sounds horrible but its not what you think. A friend of mine was leaving the next day for a lengthy amount of time and I only met up with her for a few to basically wish her the best of luck on her trip. Right after that I can straight home. The guilt got to me and with the advice of a few of my ep friends I decided that I should tell my bf what I had done so that he would never feel that he couldn't trust me or that I was lying to him. I explained to him what I had done and he told me to go get the paddle. I did as I was told and then went over his knee for a spanking. He was so mad at me and said that my actions show that I have no respect. It was decided that for the remaining days of my being grounded I would recieve a spanking every night and then sent to bed at 10 pm. At the time I agreed that this was fair and I was eager to please him. Then it all went down hill from there.

The first day of my early bedtime I managed to stay up a half hour past my decided bedtime. At the time I felt clever that I was able to do this. Then the second day of my punishment was sooo bad. Both of these days I did not go straight home after work as I was expected to do. I found excusses to go to the store and then I even told my bf that I had to go to the store for medicine but in reality I went and got new nail polish so I could do my nails if I had to be trapped inside.

When my bf came home at night he went to get the paddle and I threw myself on the bed and cryed before anything had even happened and I started to beg and plead to get out of the spanking. When that didn't work I started to try to negotiate a lesser spanking or with a less harsh implement. That didn't work either. He had me go to the living room and get over his knee and before the first strike even came I was crying loudly and over dramatically into the couch in hopes that I would get some sympathy from him. I kicked, I wiggled, begged and cryed. I even tryed to get away. After a few spanks he finally got frustrated and said fine your done. He told me that I was defiant 100% of the process and that it showed a lack of respect for him and a lack of seriousness for our relationship. I felt horrible but I'm ashamed to say that the disobedience did not even end there. Again I was supposed to be in bed by 10 and I managed to stall until 11. Then when I finally went to bed I found an excuss to get out of bed and I played on my phone for a while. Eventually I fell asleep.

So yes I managed to get out of a spanking and stay up later and manipulate the terms of my being grounded but now I am just left here feeling overwhelmingly guilty. At the moment when I got my way I thought of it as a 'win' for me, but now I just feel like I got a 'lose' for our relationship. I don't know how to fix this and I know my bf is very irritated with my behavior.
an2012 an2012 22-25, F 18 Responses Sep 22, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

He is nothing but a control freak with mental health problems to treat you in the way that he does.
And by hitting you with a paddle is an assault and you should report him to the police.
If you think of staying with him-an abusive control freak-you will just be wasting your life and miss out on what a real love should be like.
Anyone who loves someone does not treat you in the way he does.
And the longer you live with him the more your life will become wasted by a freak who thinks he as the right to tell you what to do.
He might say he loves you but if he loved you he would not treat you in the wrong way.
You have a choice of staying with a control freak who will bring you nothing but hurt and sadness.
Or to leave him and find that someone new who will show you what real love feels like.
You are wasting your life being with him and as the years pass by-his behaviour will become a lo worst.
You know you deserve to be treated better-but that will never happen while you stay with a control freak who believes that you have to do what he says.
End the relation and in time you will find that someone who will show you the right way to be treated-and the right way to be loved.
No other girl would put up with his behaviour-so do the right thing and leave the freak and get to know what real love is.
He is using you and abusing you-and the only way you will be treated with respect and loved in the right way is by making that first move and leave him-and then when you feel ready you can love a new love that will make you feel very happy-and make you feel what real love is.
Hope you take my advice because with him you will not have an happy future together.

I think you need to show your boyfriend that you know that how you behaved during a punishment was disrespectful and that you know he was only trying to look out for you and your best interest. Something I have done in the past is write out basically an essay about what I did, why I did it, why it was wrong and how I will improve. Then give it to him and ask to redo the original punishment. It will show him that you trust his judgement and you trust he knows what's best for you. Not sure if this will help...

Thank you

Thanks for the advice. I will keep this in mind for the future. Although I don't think I will ever be repeating this lol, the final punishment left a lasting impression!

I'm late reading this, as I just joined EP and am now going back through the posts here.... What WAS the final punishment? Just curious as to how this all played out.

Nevermind... I just saw the update. Please disregard my "?".

Oh no worries lol. All the changes to the ep layout confuse me too

2 More Responses

If you think you deserve a spanking for this, go tell him. I'm sure he will give you one. And tell him how you feel. It is healthy for the relationship if you tell each other how you both feel.
~Jess

This is something you may try it works for me and my hoh. If you feel in your heart that you are bring punished for something that was not totally in your control my man will let me tell him why I feel that was and my side of things which may change his mind. However if I try to tell my side and he still see the need for the punishment then it is doubled cause for one I stalled the punishment for two a made him second guess his control. So only try this if you feel strongly in her heart that you are in the right or be right to stand up and take it double time. I think if you would have been able to tell your hoh how you felt a fews days before the test it may have helped with your want and need to rebel.

I really like this idea. Thank you so much. I will mention this to him.

It works well cause sometimes even as hoh they do not see everything and it is away to still be respectfully but also be able to let him see whatcis going on in your mind as well. I know that if I was in school my hoh would want me to do well but sometimes you have off days and sometimes you have troubles it was still a passing grade

ooh, ouch! Well you know you did wrong so even though it was a harsh punishment, I'm glad you got what you needed to get back on track.. hugs :o)

Like many people in TIH or BDSM relationships on a conscious level we want to be in a certain role but unconsciously we have this rebellious child-----then on another level we have a psychological need for those behaviors that feed our guilt---but then the TIH relationship is A Parent --Child relationship----most of us do not have the maturity and responsibility to handle the FREEDOM we claim we want------Dr. E

Well unless he reasserts his control, you have successfully terminated the dynamic through brattish behavior.

well thats some story u have there! well yes u sure did cahnge sthings as far as doing things n getting out of spankings,but if u had agreed in being spanked for your actions then u need to take responsabilty n be spanked.Becaues sounds like b/f is getting stressed n disappointed n might just affect your relationsship ! So I say bend over n take your spankings telling u as a friend spnkbooty :)

I can honestly say that had my gf come to me in that situation, I too would have allowed her to meet the friend. Although you should of asked congratulations on doing the next best thing and owning up to it.

I think a big factor in your behaviour that followed was your bf not asserting the rules with regards to you going to bed on time and not spanking you sufficiently. Had he done so I'm fairly confident your attitude and behaviour would of been different.

I don't mean that to sound as though I'm having a go at your bf. I'm 18 months into my first dd relationship and have had similar issues. Its a learning curve for the hoh as well as submissive partner. I found myself letting my gf off with more minor rule infractions. It was leaving me feeling frustrated and annoyed with myself and my gf felt she was getting away with things. A few weeks back we had a good chat about the issues and have altered a few things. Things have definitely improved.

Good luck to you both.

ouch ouch im sorry sweety. i bet you cried. what happened after your spanking?

Hi all, I just wanted to update everyone on what happened. So I had my man read the story and all of the comments. He decided to spank me with the cane. It hurt so much but I followed some of your advice and I grabbed onto a pillow to keep from interfering and I kept in my mind that by staying put it was a sign of respect. I had a small break and then I had to go over his knee for round 2. This will be happening for the remaining days of my punishment but I do feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and that this is a fresh start. Thank you all for your advice and support!

I hope that u feel better now hun. How many days did u get? I hope that ur hubby nos how important it was for u to deal with properly. He should be proud of u. Have a good day

I'm so proud of you for stepping up and doing what you know is right. As I said before it's not always easy so kudos to you! I hope you are feeling better and that your bottom heals quickly:-)

And for someone who claims to be sorry why do you keep on breaking the rules time and time again why is that and then you get punished with the worse implement every and it still does not stop you . I think you need to sit down and really think about what you want and what you really what and when you decide let him know.

Well maybe there is something else here that you are not seeing. Maybe you would like to change the rules and this is your way of rebelling . Saying you may have all this rules and so I get spanked big deal that way you .

We have all been there dear. It sounds to me like your going to have to go back and say your sorry. Don't be surprised if he takes his belt off this time. You will get through this. Hugs Jenna

oh man im sorry. my bedtime is 1130. i was staying up too late and so the last time my man was here and i got my 5 swats with the paddle i have been doing better i started to go to bed befor bedtime and keep up on the dishes. but the other night he asked if there was dirty dishes in the sink. well thats not a question you can very well lie on cause hes clever and demands a picture of the sink. and if i take too long of getting the pic for him he assumes that i moved the dirty dishes out of the sink so i wouldnt get into trouble. so i told him yes there are a few but i have been keeping up on them. and he said good but y are you watching tv before the dishes are done. that dont make me happy. and i tell him im sorry babe im doing them now. and he said that dont matter you should have had them done a couple of hours ago even before watching tv or anything else.

I'm sorry hun but you've really messed up on this one. I'd say you know exactly what you need to do to fix it too, you just have to find the courage to do what you know you need to. It's not easy but these relationships never are. I believe you can do it sweetie. Be brave and when it's over you'll feel better. *hugs!*

Thank you :)

Thanks for the story. My thought is that you have to get urself together n bite the bullet n take the ageed punishment hun. U said that he is after whats best for u. U need to talk to him applogies n ask him for the pinishment u no u deserve. And u no u deserve it. I think u need to hand him a belt and tell him to blister ur bum good. This should be painful but will releve ur guilt n pain u feel in ur relationship. U have put ur well being in his hands let him do his job. U will feel bettter.

omg ouch.

It's a pretty difficult situation you've got yourself into.

At the end of the day your boyfriend can only help you if you accept it. You have certainly been refusing this (in part) causing him to be frustrated. Fully expect a return to the arguments of the past if you continue to do this.

I think you need to submit yourself to a punishment of a lifetime to make this ok again. Then afterwards you better make sure that you are sorry and improve your behaviour greatly in the future.

Trying to manipulate the implement choice is fine if it is your idea for that particular punishment. If he has decided that you need the spanking though then it has to be his choice which you should respect.