Toxic/abuse

Hey, thought i would share my story.

I am 22 years old and met my fianceé (ex now) when i was 18. I had a long distance relationship with him, and he was my first guy that i loved, he was everything physically that i looked for in a guy. He lived in Bosnia, and i was born their, my relatives lived in the same town he was from. Once i started dating him, everybody was warning me about him that he is no good, that he is trouble but i didn't listen to anyone, because i believed what he had to say, and thought he was different and that everybody else was just jealous and trying to tear us apart.

I did the long distance from Bosnia to Australia for about 2 and half years going overseas to see him every 6 months for about a 3 month stay.

Everything was good to start off with, he was so jealous and i felt like he loved me so much, he would tell me that he didn't love anyone like he loved me. And i felt so special being my first serious relationship and realizing he was my first love.

The first time i went back to Australia, i always questioned if he would be faithful to me. He use to swear at me, say horrible things. and then would breakup with me. If ever i went out, he would always ask me, if i got with anyone if i cheated on him, if anybody looked at me and so on. And because he started to become paranoid like that, i thought that was normal and i should start to do the same thing to him. BUT when he would go out and i would ask these questions to him he would be like your annoying, no i didn't and be a arsehole about it.

Things were good, i loved him, i had never loved anyone like this, he was exacty what i wanted in a guy, Ive always wanted green eyes, Blondie hair and he had these strong hands. I was so physically attracted to him, and then i fell in love, my love grew stronger for him.
But, thinking back now i remember there were times, he would say he was jealous, because i talked to that guy, what is he to me and so on. And, back then i didn't really care though, I did my own thing, i was my own person. And i remember, once i was meant to go out wit him, and he didn't care he was with his mates. And i told him I'm at this place is you want to come and all he said was Ike **** off. Then, he walked in with two chicks. and i left. That night i got messages off him, saying those two girls are just my friends from England, i broke up with him. The next day, he said he would find me and kiss me, he saw me in a disko talking to this guy and straight away i got a message off him, to talk, we did talk. And i explained how rude it was for him to go with two chicks and message me to **** off, and he was like well **** off **** off, and i knew i shouldve have then and there got up and left but i did't, i saw something in his eyes, thinking he doesn't mean that he is just hurt.

The second time i went overseas i slept with him for the first time, it was amazing. my first time, and, everything i had shared i shared with him, ND no one else.
It was so amazing.

So, throughout the time i was overseas it was great we were going out all the time, being intimate, sharing stories. everything. But one time i went with my friend to another city and he was so angry, he would message and say dont bother coming back, and i thought you came to see me. And to me at that time that was all cute thinking he wants me all to himself how cute he cares.

When i got back, everything was fine.

After awhile he msged one of my guy friends that i have on facebook asking if we have ever talked, my friend said yes, as friends. He that day, saw me the message, and took me to the park and said its over your a lier, your this your that i was in shock was crying and ended up fainting, when i came to he was crying and saying sorry to me it was so intense. we ended up staying together and not breaking up.... Later in the month the guy came to Bosnia, and that night i decided to go with my auntie out, and he was so angry that i wanted to go with my auntie. We ended up at the same place me my auntie, my then fiance and this friend of mine. I left early, and later i got terrible messages saying you were looking at him, its over between us leave me alone and so on. i had enough at that time.

But i saw him the next day, and we talked and he started crying i cried and then we worked it out again, and i just kept thinking i love him he loves me, he is just hurt!

he made me delete all the guy friends on my facebook and then later on delete all the guy friends on msn, and then he made me delete all of my facebook which i complied all cuz i loved him.
he ended up proposing later on, and then i went back to Australia to sort out papers for him to come over on a fiance visa.
While i was sorting papers out for him, he would get angry that i am not doing it fast enough, that im taking my time with the papers and so on. he then got angry and changed my email password, and i made a joke saying i can get it back cuz i can, he done said, its over between us, and i ended up beggin for him to stay with me and that i was only joking. He said he has to have my password cuz he needs to see what i am doing, after all i talked to some guy and he would always bring up that being the reason for him being allowed to do all this.

One time went to my cousins party, but i didn't go out....and stayed in cousins room talking to him, later on my guy cousin came in asking me something, my ex fiance now got so angry, told me i sud just go and talk to him, and broke up with me. i begged for him to forgive me trying to explain its only my cousin but he kept say in how would you feel, and told me we could only gt back to together, but that i couldn't go out anywhere and i DIDNT.

for nearly 2 years i didnt go anywhere. and if i wanted to go for a coffee i would have to see if it was okay with him.
but yet he was allowed to go out all the time, stay late... and would just send me a message saying i love you im out bla bla. And when i would try to call him, he wouldn't answer, and i call Agna, and he would pick up, being angry for me not trusting him and would call me names swear at me, say I'm beng crazy and paranoid and that he loves me...

I would want his facebook password, but he wouldn't give it to me , saying to me you know why you cant have facebook because, you talked to this guy you wanted him and so on. and i would just be like yes i understand...and do what he wants cuz i want him to be happy.

while i was doing the papers, and sent them off for him to do his part, he would tell me he needs money to translate the papers to English, and i would send it to him if i didn't have money he would get really angry at me, and make me feel really bad for not being able to send to him.
He started to tell me, that he wasn't going to come unless he gets his teeth fixed, and would sort of i suppose manipulate me into , paying for it. felt bad for him, he would be like hate my teeth, i am not coming i dont care, and i would then say ill pay for it. He was happy i sent hm money, and i felt so good about myself cuz he was happy. But 2 teeth couldn't get fixed and, i didnt have money, he would be like well i need o fix these, and everyday i wild talk to him he would be like its hurting me these teeth need to be fixed, and i then send the money.

he started to swear lots at me, and yet he would swear and call me horrible names, and yet i would be the one begging for him to take me back. WHY ? am i that stupid,

If i were to hear anything that somebody said about him, or something that had seen i would confront him and he would get angry, that it wasn't true, people are just trying to break us up.

He finally came to Australia, and i took him on massive shopping spree, we lived with my parents, and my parents told us we didnt have to pay a DIME, that all we had to do was SAVE money!

He began to gamble, my father found him a job, he gambled every night, and if i were to say anything he would be like your annoying this that. We started to fight constantly, he was rude to my parents, if ever we had a fight, he would just be like im leaving and walk out of the house, leaving it very uncomfortable that everybody has t know we are fighting.
There were times, i felt like i was in the middle of two fires, my ex fiance and my family.
He started to tell me, my family is turning me against him, and im taking their side. I suppose my family saw what he was doing to me.

As soon as he came, we were meant to have facebook together, he gave me hs password everything was great, then here and there he would change the password and im left wondering WHY.... once i got so angry i decided to just make my own and he said, might as well put single and delete all my photos cuz that's the only way you will have facebook.
I did it though, and later he made me deactivate it.

But because i didnt delete all the friends and then deactivate my fb he got so angry! He went out of the house, then i had to search for him, and he was running away from me, while iwas telling him to get in the car, cuz it was so embossing.

Anyway, there was a concert, he didnt want to go, after i asked hi 10 times, so i got ready with my sister, and asked him one last time, he again said no and that i know why.
i was on the freeway, and he decided flirt to send a message saying " its over for good between us " then half an hour later, i get a message "come back i want to go" then again " please come back i love you, this will be the test come back " i was shocked but i didnt want to turn back, got to the concert and he was like, how could you go without me to a concert full of guys, i was like you need to trust me. And he ended up coming with the TRAIN, i picked him, and i said i had enough and then he cried and cried telling me how much he loved me that he is sorry, that he will change!

We went home that night, the next day he apologized to everyone. and everything was great, and then again, little thing annoys him and he changes back, to an arse saying al these names, and just ignoring and gambling.
Things changed, cuz...he changed his password on fb again, and he liked some chick naked and i said what did you like, and FIRST TIME HE SPITS IN MY FACE. i was so shocked!!!

all i could say later was i cant believe you did that, he was just like, you shouldn't this, im sorry didnt mean it. Next time, he got angry cuz i accused him of gambling, and packed his bags and left, and said im never coming back, i once again when to look for him, and he was like transfer me money, im like IL buy you your ticket he through my phone, and swore at me, and i had enough i swore back and, then he came back storming and that's when he hit me across my face for the first time..... he then started crying and he was bleeding, which made me feel sorry for him. and then all of a sudden everything calmed down, he was all good, said can you forgive me i did, in shock! Felt like as soon as he gets angry, and it gets to the point where it boils over, then everything goes calm again, and that how it was all the time.

My parents left for overseas,, and its like we had nothing to talk about, was all sex
and, he gambled i would say stop it, he would kik me out the room, and kick me in my back, would fall to the ground he would then, hold me down to spit in my face....and then pick me up and take me to my room.....how was this that same person i loved....
He would get angry if i used to his money, and pull my hair, hold me by my neck.

once i tried to send a message to his brother, saying that his is gambling again, and he got so angry chased me for my phone, so i wouldn't send the message, and then he got on me so i couldn't move, and was putting the phone in my mouth.....there were times were he would just grab my face, and just like pinch my face, and worst thing is , he would go of ff and CRY, and then i would go see if he is okay..... and hug him and tell him its okay.....
cuz i felt like i understood him, i understood he didnt meant it, he cant help it, im like this is not the person i first met.

Then there would be so such great times cute times, where i was on top of the world, everything seemed perfect.... then i saw he gambled i would yell at him, and i was sick then had gastro he didnt even help, all night i was in the toilet crying, and all he could say to me was shut the **** up im trying to sleep. I asked him the next day, how could you listen to me cry, he replied with....you yelled at me why would i come to you.

There is so much more, just little things, at the end he had a fight with my mum showed her the fingers, and kept telling me im just a **** like my mother...I was pregnant he pushed me around, and i had internal bleeding, but one day he would be like have abortion next day i want this kid i love you IL changed, we will get married it will be different then, our own place, then next minute he is like ill struggle that kid when he is 5, or IL take that kid out of you myself. i couldn't believe what i was hearing, i felt very depressed and alone and scared.

he left, for Bosnia as i wouldn't marry me, my parents were happy. Said that i needed better i could do better,
BUT in my heart i still loved him, but wasn't sure why, wasn't sure what had happened, and i had my future planned, i loved him brought him to Australia , gave him all of me, and im isolated but i love him and feel like i need him!

my heart throbs from pain, when he was over there, he then blackmailed me for money, if i didnt give him 1000 dollars he was gonna post pics of me everywhere.... he didnt end up doing it i didnt send money. Later on, he told me he got into a gambling debt, and he needed money and if i could help him, but i didnt. and he got angry, before i said no he was all lovey dove i miss you, then i said no. and he goes angry starts saying horrible things, again, that he has better offers then me im just ugly and fat, and nobody will want me know.... just hurtful things.

and then next minute he changes, and messages me that he loves me misses me, wants to marry me!!! later on i found out he actual cheated on me once, he said... but i doubt it. i found out he asked 15 16 year olds to have sex with him...the paranoia that he thought i was cheating makes sense, worst thing he blamed me for talking to that guy, and i felt guilty and deleted everything fb friends, and yet he cheated but could never admit.

Everything he said he hated cheating lieing, its exactly the person he is and what he has done

I'M SCARED, i gave my all to him, i love him i do stil, but how stupid em i dont deserve this.


i keep thinking, he will find someone he loves and he Will be happy and, hell change for them and i guess im scared about that, that i wont find something like him. I feel like im still physically attracted to him....

i dont know what this is, but im sharing this story in writing it, i have cried over and over again, its painful. I dont know what to do, i feel like im hanging on still for him to change, and still be with him, but i dont deserve it!
and then i think the good times, and, think or fantasies in my own head, it could have been better i should have kept trying, i dont want him to be with anyone else....

what do i do, is this normal, or is it abuse... do i need help.
i cry over every ting now!
:(









smwaha01 smwaha01
22-25
4 Responses Jan 16, 2013

I understand everything you are going through. It hurts so bad dont it? Please read my story.

No woman deserves to be pushed around and spit on. Its not right!!

Yeh so many times would spit, then i couldnt handle it last couple times he did it i did it back and he couldnt belive it. Then he used it whn i would say you spat at me he would just say you did it too

This most certainly is not love, its an horrendous situation he put you through and he should be shamed to call himself a man. Don't ever have any contact with this guy again, he is not worth your hurt or tears. Learn and grow from this what has happened to you, and good luck

Definetley learning, just feel foolish, that i put up with it for so long, but i was in denial, he always justified his reasons why he doesnt let me do this or that, and i always understood. I havent had contact now, but inside me i just want him to call me or something but i know i shouldnt be hoping for that.... Thanks Heaps

You need to forget about him. This is a classic case of abuse, controlling behaviour and 'dependency'.
He has made you so insecure that you now feel that you need him to feel good. This is not the case, you can feel better than he makes you feel, all the time.
I know it's hard, and I know that right now you love him, and you feel like if you give him enough love and devotion and attention, you can save him from all his demons and make him happy then he won't be nasty. It's hard to accept, but he will always be this way, especially since he now knows how to get what he wants from you.
First step is to cut all contact, take a deep breath and delete him, block him and don't give him any more money, then he can't get to you.
Next is to go out, have fun, start over. Experience other people, see how brilliant they can make you feel, then you will see how bad he is for you. Get Facebook again, get in touch with ALL your old friends, it's never too late and they will understand.
Last is to share your story with those you feel you can trust the most. That way, if you feel yourself slipping, if you are thinking about contacting him again, you have someone to talk to about it. Someone to remind you that you don't deserve that kind of treatment.

Always remember that you want more. You want your love returned, and not to be afraid. You shouldn't have to think about what you say, just so that you don't get dumped or slapped for it. That is no way to live.
If you don't feel ready to tell your family or friends about it then I'm always here if you need more advice or just want someone to rant to. Your fiancé sounds a lot like my dad, so I do know how you feel somewhat. I've watched my mother go through the same thing. Don't marry him and don't have kids with him. You're my age! I still feel like I've got heaps of time to find the right person for that, the person I want to share my life with. I've got someone in mind, but if it doesn't work I know I haven't failed, just learned something.
All the luck and love in the world. L.

Hey there :) omg eveything you have said is right, i do that i feel like i can calm him down, i feel like i can talk nicley to him and he will calm down, i do that. I comfort him after he has spat in my face, im the one comforting him telling him it will be okay. And yes you said it, i do feel insecure i feel like i cant find anyone better then him, and that he will find someone that he will love, and i wont have anyone. I keep thinkin about the good times cute times, but i dont realize the realisation of everything. I guess at times i feel like this coudlnt be that person, and i wrote all this, and confirmed that what he is like, is not normal but inside i still feel i know him he didnt mean this, when i know this isnt the case. I have got back onto facebook, and he has blocked me. My parents know, cuz they saw how he would just angry, at me, i think if my parents didnt see it i would still keep thinking its normal, and its just a fight.... but my parents especiallt my mother started saying thats not normal, your not happy your depressed, and thats when i started seeing, really what was going on. And SPOT ON, he knows how i am, he knows how to get to me, especially about asking for money, he knows i love him and i am willing to help him...but im trying hardest not to give in,because he has lied to many times and yet he says im the lier. As soon as i found out i was pregnant he asked me if i slept with anybody else, i couldnt belive it. Everytime we would have sex i feel like i would regret it later, :(

Thankyou, for commenting, and pretty much spot on everything you said about how i feel at the moment...
Truly appreciated...

Please read my story, I can identify with yours.