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I Just Want To Fix Things

We are mid-30s, have been married about 18 months. We have continually had problems. We get into arguments, but it always seems to end with me having to agree she is right and I am wrong. The last argument started this morning a friend called and asked if we wanted to go on vacation with them for Memorial Day. She asked me if I wanted to go, and I said I would think about it and get back to her. Then she exploded and said this is a yes/no question and I should not have to think about it, I should just answer. I said I felt this was something I feel I should be able to think about. We have been arguing a lot of today. She later said that even though I came back and said yes, it does not mean I really want to go because if I have to think about it then it is not "coming from my heart."  I told her I think even if it is something I have to think about it, that still does not mean it is not coming from my heart. She disagrees with that. She also said if I had to think about it then I really didn't want to go. Now I get all messed up when she says things like that. Did I subconsciously not want to go? Or is she more or less trying to read my mind?  Then she started to say I am selfish for not wanting to go for my own personal reasons. I don't like her to say that. I feel like I have done a lot for her. She is from another country and we had to go through an immigration thing, I am constantly going to the store for her, getting her things while we are in the house, getting her something to drink, etc. But then she says I have to be 100% not selfish in all areas. We have things like this happen all the time. I had a psychologist before I met her, and then we both started seeing him. But basically it seems like he always just agrees with her. I talked to my college friend who is a psychologist and counselor, but when I tell him about this, of course he is somewhat biased, but I think he had somewhat of an open mind and he does seem to take my side at least, that this is not all my fault. She refuses to see any other psychologist. I want this to work and I know that it can work, but this gets so frustrating, and she refuses to see my point of view. Now she is pregnant too and in the first stages. I don't want to get her upset, but at the same time, I am tired of admitting I am wrong when really I am not sure that I am. I also don't want us to split up, I want us to be together to raise the child. There are other issues I could get into but right now this at least tells the basic situation. I want to get help, but at this point I don't know where to go.

husband314 husband314 31-35, M 4 Responses May 3, 2010

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Is this your first marriage. I know this was 2yrs ago. But, it may have been the pregnancy hormones. We women are very different when pregnant. I've had 5 children myself and I can say that I'm 2 different people. Pregnant me is easily irritated, hates to go out, doesn't like to do things I normally do, don't like food, or eating, I throw up constantly, everything smells and makes me throw up, I make everyone take 2 showers a day, the dog (my poor dog) I couldn't stand the smell of him, esp his breath. Non-pregnant me doesn't like to stay in the house, I love projects, I go hiking almost everyday, loves food, my dog is practically my best friend (he loves to hike too)! Point being the first few years are when u guys are still working the kinks out of being a couple. There's really no u or her. It's we and ours and us. Chances are she's rt (I hate to say it) so remember happy wife happy life.

I definitely agree with briekso7 on this. one way or another this should be resolved before your child is affected. I regret not following my instincts long ago when my son was an infant. He is now nine and things are more complicated. It will get much harder to work on a relationship with a child around. Good luck to you, and do not let anyone convince you what you feel and think are not real.

I definitely agree with briekso7 on this. one way or another this should be resolved before your child is affected. I regret not following my instincts long ago when my son was an infant. He is now nine and things are more complicated. It will get much harder to work on a relationship with a child around. Good luck to you, and do not let anyone convince you what you feel and think are not real.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear this. =( Please don't think that it is all your fault--it's not. You feel how you feel--if you need to think about things, that's the way you are---don't let her tell you what's going on in your mind. She can't know that; only you can. <br />
It would definitely be good to try to get some kind of peace between you and her before your child is born. Children, even babies, pick up on this kind of thing.