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Don't Know What To Do

I have been married for 5 years (my second marriage - his first)
I have a son from my first marriage that is 12 and we have 2 small boys together - The problem is that my husband cannot deal with my 12 year old - I know the boy can be difficult but my husband just goes to the extreme with everything. - If he does not do his homework and his grades suffer - we agree that he needs to get back on track - so we puss him - then if my husband comes home from work (he gets home before me) and sees that my son has slacked off - he yells and sends him to his room - his new angle is to just avoid him all together - he comes home form work and locks himself in our bedroom and watches TV all night - when I get home it is very stressful and I feel stuck in the middle.

He now tells me that he is "not happy" and has not been for some time - he says he does not want to divorce but his actions tell me different. I know I am not perfect and don't ask that of him either - I try to do everything so as not to bother him but the stress is getting to me and my passive/aggressive comments only escalate our problems

I am lost
cakebaker3 cakebaker3 46-50 3 Responses Jan 16, 2012

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I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Please try not to put yourself in the middle of your husband and son. You should be on your son's (or childrens) side. They need you. They need an advocate. They are too young to fend for themselves, and your husband locking himself in his room and not being productive with your son is not helping anyone.



I'm not going to tell you to run out and leave him, but you sit him down and have an HONEST conversation with him. Is it because he is not his Bio dad? Are there behavioral issues with your child you need to address? What about your married life makes him "unhappy"...what does that mean to him. What is his vision of happiness?



I have a boy about that age, and as frustrated as we can get sometimes, when he acts out is when he needs you the most. Make sure you are there-even if his step dad isn't. If you are not being abused-Your first job is to mother your kids...



If you are guilty of that passive aggression, try to put that in check. If you know and recognize you are doing it, that is half your battle. If YOU can get that under control, and he is still unchanging, then you have other issues. The change has to start somewhere......just try it, for your sake.



I wish you happiness!!! (hug your boy)

The first comment is totaly wrong. The 12 year old is wroning your life, your husbands life, his own life, and potentally the life of his step brothers. Phycologists call this situation an adolecent dominated household. You can not let a 12 year old with no knolage of life decide your future.



You have to explain to the 12 year old that he had best start working very hard to prepare himself for a addult life, or he will end out living in a rustey singal-wide triler. Step number one is making an extrem effort to suck-up to step-dad every day. If he does not step-dad will have no inclonation to come up with money for college or trade school. Step number two is get into the best academic classes where they teach the three r's; reasoning, responsability, and relationships. Because he will be on his own very very soon. His past performance has been working toward you and step-dad casting him out the door the day after he turns 18. The third step is show some respect for his mother, by helping to save her marrage. Otherwise the two of you may end out living together in an apartment.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Please try not to put yourself in the middle of your husband and son. You should be on your son's (or childrens) side. They need you. They need an advocate. They are too young to fend for themselves, and your husband locking himself in his room and not being productive with your son is not helping anyone.



I'm not going to tell you to run out and leave him, but you sit him down and have an HONEST conversation with him. Is it because he is not his Bio dad? Are there behavioral issues with your child you need to address? What about your married life makes him "unhappy"...what does that mean to him. What is his vision of happiness?



I have a boy about that age, and as frustrated as we can get sometimes, when he acts out is when he needs you the most. Make sure you are there-even if his step dad isn't. If you are not being abused-Your first job is to mother your kids...



If you are guilty of that passive aggression, try to put that in check. If you know and recognize you are doing it, that is half your battle. If YOU can get that under control, and he is still unchanging, then you have other issues. The change has to start somewhere......just try it, for your sake.



I wish you happiness!!! (hug your boy)