What Now???

Been married for 12 yrs. 2 kids. I'm a SAHM married to a very successful man. But I'm empty. I dread him coming home. His negativity... I have my share of probs. no doubt! Sobered up after pain pill addiction due to chronic pain. Which he ignored. He ignored my being so sick for years. I finally cratered and got help. Now I see the world differently. And he is the same. Communication probs for years. He will give me the silent treatment for weeks at time rather than talk. We don't talk. Not in any meaningful way. It's always my fault. I don't appreciate him. I don't keep the house as he wants. I don't do ... Found out his extensive on-line hook up site history. And searching for hook ups including escorts w every single business trip he took for 18 months. Then found old email acct which he sent emails back in 2006 to Craig's List hook ups. He denied. Then says just curious. Then he used it to escape me and my illness. Now he's angry bc I snoop. But we never talk. And when I bring up my triggers for insecurity on his activity, he tells me to drop it. I need to just get over it. He HAS BEEN really helpful. But still empty things.
Here's the thing- when I found out, when I was so out of it on pills and felt so horrible bc he wouldn't touch me, I sought affection outside marriage. He doesn't believe me saying I just say that to hurt him.
I've been asking for counseling for NINE MONTHS. he has 101 excuses. Granted where we live have limited access to counselors. I've been in therapy. Going to meetings. Mediation. Prayer. But I don't know. I don't know if I want to work this out. Something blocking me. Fear of hurt? He lies. And what would I believe? He doesn't want to be in relationship where I snoop and says betrayed his trust. Trust that he won't go sexual thrill seeking. But he admits only to what he's done when confronted w hard evidence. And I'm a ***** bc I strayed and holding his behavior hostage to moving on. Yet problems run so deep. It's the lack of intimacy. We haven't had sex in 7-8 months. He makes negative comments about my body "as a joke". But it's not. Not when he searches for females half my age... I'm not great shape but had 3 kids and in 40s.
I don't even know if I want him. I don't know. I'm in so much pain I push him away so he says. He says my issues r my issues and he doesn't want to come into my world. He won't learn about chronic pain, PTSD or anything. My problems are MY problems. I'm alone.
Redfish42 Redfish42
41-45, F
1 Response Sep 25, 2012

Seems like my story. Hv three kids and my husband behaves as if he is stuck in this marriage. Stuck with me. He sometimes says he feels like in jail. But like u I too understand all these are his problems. I keep doing what I have to do cooking for him, packing his lunch getting evn his wrk clothes ready for him inspite of all the crap he gives me, otherwise I'll go in depression. I know he is facing too much stress at wrk which he pours out on me. But to tell u truth God is giving me strength to go on and to tk care of him inspite of everything. On my own I will just hate him. But I hv a commitment that while I'm married I will not cheat on him but in your case if u hv not had relation for so long it must be very tough.