Married To Peter Pan Or Am I Just Stupid?

I've been married 19 years... my husband likes to hang at our cabin in the woods, which he and his friend have been building themselves. It's in the middle of nowhere. Now he took up hunting. we are both educated mental health professionals. I was married once before, have two grown kids, doing well, live independently and have jobs... Hub and I have a teenaged son. Hub has spent a lot of time away while I care for kid, take kid to his demanding dance rehearsals all the time. Hub told me several months ago that the didn't think he could be married any more, at 4:30 in the a.m., I lost it, started punching him and told him to get the F out. He told me he took up an offer from one of his fellow conference attendee's, who he knew somewhat, to stay inner hotel room for the conference rather than at the camp ground he was booked at (as I said, Peter Pan...). They had drinks went uo to her room and she gave him a BJ.
The next night, she went out with a guy who she had a"blind date with, although didn't phrase it that way to my hub. She told hub that she had already had plans to be "shown some sights" in D.C. area, something her boss had arranged with his friend who lived in D.C. area. She came back next night and nothing sexual happened. She was to go out with that guy again next night as well. She told hub she would be back early... wish and they would go for drinks. Midnight rolled around, hub got pissed and left, went back to camp ground (Oh, BTW, yes, he did give me all the details...) He went back to the hotel room early in the a.m., had the room key, went in, she had never returned. He left her a note saying "I've got your M.O." He told me after I returned from my conference in D.C. (we probably passed each other in transit as he came back, I was going down.) So, he came back after I threw him out the next day and I decided I wanted to talk to him. (If he had had intercourse, it would have been over, o question.... and some may think he lied about the truth, but my husband is grossly honest, albeit self centered and thoughtless...) I asked him if he really wanted to throw away 19 years ad we talked... have been working on our marriage and going to therapy. First two months post finding out were interesting. Constant sex, best we ever had. I had told him for 19 years I wanted more than 7 minute sex... he finally heard me and turns out he is capable.... Then things slowed. Therapy has been pretty good, but now at he 6 month post finding out, I'm feeling odd, sad, fearful.... My big issue is fear of abandonment and I need reassurance. He had told me that he had pretty much checked out of our marriage emotionally 3 years ago and was waiting for teenage son to finish HS and then he figured he tell me and we'd get divorced. All the while, still having sex with me, going out to dinner, him saying "come sit next to me and have coffee", being nice, smiling... didn't seem obvious to me that he was unhappy. we would have about three fights a year, much less than many.... So, now, I am questioning his investment in the marriage. We pay out of pocket 150 dollars a week, so I'm thinking on some level, he does want to work on this, otherwise why would he be willing to pay such $? He seems to have a hard time reassuring me that he is really committed to the death do us part vow we made to each other.
Our therapy has strongly suggested that we help each other feel safe by giving each other what the other really needs to feel good about the relationship, i.e., He needs me to be VERY kind and validating, I need him to reassure me that he loves me, isn't going anywhere..... Frankly, I don;t see that much has changed at all. We spent a great deal of the bike riding together last summer and it was great. Now he is off hunting frequently and does not seem to have the same need tone around me as I him. I am suffering the hurt of his infidelity, he seemed remorseful in the beginning, but now seems peachy. I don't get it. The other woman lives across the country and he swears he has not spoken to her. He e-mailed her when he got back from D.C. to say how rotten he thought she was for what she did to him. (I told him it couldn't have been more perfect the way it turned out as far as I was concerned...) He called her the morning I threw him out saying how "much I really need a friend right now... left that on her voice mail and she never called back.) BTW, he is 52, she was 61... me 54. Is he just a self absorbed narcissist? Or am I a gullible ediot? I'm sitting here at 4 in the morning, alone and very sad, aggravated and lonely. I excerise very day and am probably considered attractive, smart, fun, kind of sexy.... WTF? I could spell better...... Anyone relate, have suggestions?
wendypan wendypan
51-55
Dec 2, 2012