I Think I'm Being Abused...

It wasn't until I watched an episode of Dr. Phil recently, believe it or not, that my eyes were truly opened to the possibility that I am in fact being abused. My husband of course will tell you that's an exaggeration, that I'm seeking sympathy or that I'm crazy. I guess it pretty much started in the beginning...he had a drinking problem that escalated and escalated until I could no longer say with certainty that he wasn't going to beat me when he was drunk. I made him leave and told him to get sober or we were done. He did quit drinking and stayed sober for quite some time. Things were perfect, we didn't fight much, we were happy....then he started smoking pot and got hooked on prescription painkillers. So began a two-year battle of addiction, being broke, bank problems, and all that goes along with that. He pawned my engagement ring and wedding ring for drug money about 5 times - we recently lost the $3,000 set for $100 in pot money because he lied about making a payment on them. He has an excuse for everything - he needed drugs to cope with watching his mother die, he got stasis ulcers on his leg that were open for 18 months and now he can't work...
During the whole drug ordeal, I became further and further depressed, alone, he would never be home so I felt completely isolated....I had a core group of friends that I trusted and confided in, and they all told me to leave, to get out of that situation, but I didn't want to throw everything away, I kept holding on to that period of time before the drugs, when he was sober, that everything was great.
Eventually I talked to the doctor about my depression and he prescribed medication for me. The medication made me feel less in a fog, but I have to say, it sure did cloud my judgement and made me not care about anything. I ended up beginning a relationship with one of my husband's friends and had sex with him one time. It was after a fight that my husband busted my phone and I used his phone the following day and he somehow recovered the messages I had sent on the phone that he found out, and things have been a thousand times worse since then. I know what I did was wrong, I have owned up to that, and have not made excuses for myself, but he continues to say that all I do is make excuses, I don't own up to anything or take responsibility for my actions.
Meanwhile, he has gotten treatment for the painkiller addiction, but continues to smoke pot and lie about the money he spends on it. He resents me for asking about what he spends money on, but when he blows a hundred dollars in a day and we don't have money for gas or groceries, and then blames me for not being responsible with money.
He has put a hole in about every door in our house and put several holes in walls. He has broken several of my collectibles, and as I mentioned before, my iPhone...I can't count how many times I've been called a *****, a *****....he goes through my phone several times a day to see who I've been talking to, of course I have to delete messages to certain people or he will get mad. He has forbidden me talking to my best friend because she convinced me to leave before and he blames her for helping with my "affair" because she knew about it. He used to get me in trouble at work because he would call or text me constantly, and would accuse me of lying about going on a lunch break that I was really going to see a guy (long before the affair ever occurred).
When the tables are turned and I try to look through his phone, he chases after me and rips the phone from my hands, or simply deletes everything on it before I have a chance to look.
I've found questionable messages on Facebook from other females, and he always has an excuse. I've actually caught him completely making up conversations he claims to have had with people....one of which was a person who told him I cheated more than once with more than one person, but I found out later that the person he claimed to have the conversation with was working about 100 miles away from where the conversation supposedly took place. In other instances he has said he sent messages to my friends telling them he didn't have a problem with them and that he never said they couldn't talk to me, but those messages were never sent.
He has threatened to kill my family numerous times if I were to leave. He's threatened to kill himself. He's threatened to kill me.
Just the other day he drove me to the unemployment office because he thought I made up having to go there so I could meet someone, but when we got there and they were closed he peeled out of the parking lot so fast I thought he was going to flip the car....and continued to yell at me going home and at one point slammed on the brakes going down the highway and said he ought to kill me...
But as I said in the beginning of my post, he would tell you I've over-exaggerated all of this...that I'm making up half of it, that he never said those things, that I'm the one that abuses him (because I have slapped him a couple of times because he either shoved me or got right up in my face yelling at me)
Sometimes he will even hide my car keys, and even bent one of them once to keep me from leaving the house.
I know as I write this that I am clearly being abused....as Dr. Phil said, abuse is not always physical. And as I read in someone else's post, they wished they had the bruises to clarify what they needed to do.
For me, I guess I'm scared....what if he goes through with his threats. I don't want anyone else to be hurt. What if I am the one doing wrong. I worry about financials, but I remind myself that we don't have money anyway because of his drug use that he lies about....
It should be clear what I need to do, but it's hard, and I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to get over this hump. Is there hope for my marriage or am I digging myself deeper in this hole? If we divorce, is it possible for him to be civil, forever?
I realize this is a very long post, and I hope that I've made sense! I'm looking for any advice that might be helpful, and I appreciate any you can give!

ladybug428 ladybug428
1 Response Sep 21, 2010

First, the next time you're out, go to your local Domectic Violence Shelter or Center for Survivors. Talk to one of the advocates there. They will be able to help you get the things you need to leave. Don't wait.