In An Abusive Relationship

but i dont want to get out. I want this to work out and I believe in his change. He is not even my boyfriend but we have been lovers on and off for about 8 months. I saw the signs early so I began pulling away but the more I get away the more I miss him. I just dont want to be without him.

A few months ago it really escalated and a restraining order has been put in place. All I could think about is going to see him, see if he is ok, be in his arms.
My friends tell me to get out but they dont understand and Im starting to hate them because they give me this advice (to leave him) but I cant do that and it's making me angry. If they are my friends - why cant they try to understand that it's not that easy? That I miss him too much? It's so easy for them to say but where are they when I'm all alone and need a shoulder to cry on? Then I only have one place to go… thats back to him…

he says stuff that doesnt make sense. I really notice it when we text or email because then I can go back and make sure I'm really not the one who is psycho. I wish I could talk to his counselor and have him explain to me what's wrong with him. I'm only with him because I know he is sick in his head and that he just doesnt know better. He needs someone to help him and he is working on himself. But I need to put up with so much bullshit and he says such evil and mean things - and then he says the nicest, most beautiul words that make me feel so good.

sorry for venting
fantasiamoon fantasiamoon
26-30, F
6 Responses Jul 24, 2010

hey...i was on vh1 last night at 11pm on ;why am i still single' episode 9! it was insane to watch myself dating on tv, esp after my abusive relationship..thanks for being a can go onto and look under 'shows' and 'why am i still single' episode name is kieran..tell me what you took a lot of strength to put myself out there and date again, especially after my ex beat the crap out of me on a weekly basis and put me down and made me feeling like nothing...

First, You have No place to go and every place to go.<br />
<br />
I remember this charming very strict Catholic girl. I would tie her up and whip her then have a group of my friends have sex with her, while she came over and over. Then she would feel remorse and guilt and I would need to whip the to punish her and she would get all horny again and so I would call up a different group of friends.<br />
<br />
I introduced her to plenty of vanilla friends as well, never hinting we were sexually involved. She would go on a date or two, but then be back call me and telling me about her 'wicked sinful thoughts' which she described in great and graphic detail until I was 'forced' to whip her (is this expiating your sins? any strict Catholics out there? Any strict Catholic girls who need a bit of expiating? LOL) and it was off to the races.<br />
<br />
So to answer your why, I suspect you are a masochist. or you have the 'poor puppy" syndrome where you want to bring home someone more broken than you to fix, because it A) makes your problems look smaller and B) distracts you from working on your problems.<br />
<br />
I personally hoping you are a masochist in need of a nice ethical sadist, and a good tonsil massage.

He left me alone on Christmas and New Years. I was pulling away from him a bit, distancing myself to stay sane, safe, and healthy - he then left me alone - it felt like that was supposed to be my punishment. He was still trying to keep control of me. But I used the chance to detach myself from him...<br />
<br />
We got into another episode of us trying (he cried and begged for another chance) which resulted in me standing soaken wet in the middle of a bar, in between many people we knew. He had spilled a drink all over me. Not for the first time, but I hope for the last...<br />
<br />
The thing I dont understand:<br />
Now that he is gone... Why do I feel so bad? Why do I miss him? Why do I want to call him, see him? I even have thoughts of making up with him..<br />
<br />
I just want to be free.<br />
But now I'm sad.<br />
And I think laying in his arms could fix that...<br />
<br />
WHAT is WRONG with me?

thank you so much for your nice comments. i still havent been able to escape. it got better, then it got worse. he promised me all these beautiful things and i was stupid enough to believe him. he owes me lots of money, slowly i have been giving him more and more.<br />
he is still intimidating me in many different ways and im scared of him.<br />
last week he had another tremor where he threw something big and sharp at me. i didnt get hurt. im fast and careful and i watch my back.<br />
<br />
one of the worst things is that no one listens to me. my friends are so annoyed by hearing about him that they say nothing but "told you so". they say it's my own fault. so i dont share it with them, decide not to see them. i have become isolated, which makes me miss him more.<br />
<br />
im in victim counselling now, which is nice. someone to talk to who understands. she knows not to tell me to leave this ******* because i need to do that all alone.<br />
just what needs to happen for me to finally break away?<br />
i sometimes think i am wasting my life..

And by the way, i commend you for trying to help someone in need...this shows you're a loving and capable person who will find someone that appreciates your qualities.

As someone from your situation, i can say they won't. I know you feel like nobody understands him like you do, nobody makes you feel the way he makes you feel and there's nobody you'd rather spend your time w than himm..not even your friends. and you may even feel like he understands you and takes the time to understand you unlike anyone else. The deep conversations, the warm, real feeling of love. And you're not necesarrily wrong, it may very well be this amazingly unique, loving connection that you never want to even imagine letting go of, that you'd pretty much be a mute with no hapiness if you let him go. How do i know? Bc i thought that i could fix my man too. And the hitting never stopped. The punching never stopped. The cursing and death threats, the accusations, the mind f*cks never stopped, they only got worse. Yea, when it's good, it's REALLY good and almost heavenly. But when you really sit down and analyze things...he's more bad than good. And i bet he's giving you anxiety and you'd give anytihng in the world to make the bad part of him go away. But it won' know it won't. And i agree, my 'friends' wouldn't understand, they were never there for me when i was upset, they didn't want to hear it when i would cry back then. Their advice is bs to me also, bc they just didn't get it, and they would give me some petty advice they wouldn't even follow themselves if they had met their version of the sick, loving relationship you have. GET OUT. If you're not going to listen to other people's advice and skip out on what others have to say, take it from me. Out of nowhere, he will do something terribly dramatic to you one day, and you'll never even see it coming. Your emotions are screwed up right now and youve put so much effort into helping him, and maybe even in a small way you did, but you will never fix him to the point he'll stop abusing you. I know this bc i've lived this for years. Its going to be the saddest thing in the world for you, but once you're done with him, you will become a stronger, happier person guilt-free i promise you. I know it doesn't even sound realistic to you but this is all true. Did you ever have that special teddy bear or blanket when you were a baby/kid? and when someone lost it or you misplaced it you felt like you couldn't go on and you had a deep, sad feeling like life would never be the same without your precious teddy bear/blanket? Do you even think about it now? ofcourse not, as you got over it, even though you thought you never would. This is a perfect example of what you'd anticipate you'd feel vs reality. it's scary and unknown but you CAN DO IT! yes, this is a PERSON not a toy from childhood, but similiarly, when your youngerr less developed emotions bonded with something and you had that same feeling that you'd never get over it when you lost your misplaced toy, you did very much get over it and on with it. And as we become adults and bond with people and make deep rooted connections, you feel like you can't ever live without this person/husband/boyfriend but you can. You will be truely amazed with how you realistically handle things versus how you anticipate to handle things. I'm sure you have plenty of examples from your past. LET HIM GO...