It Can't Be All My Fault!

I have been in an abusive on-off relationship for three years. We have been together exclusively the past year, before that it was a couple months here and there. We have a two year old son. This last time we got back together, I made that decision because he begged me and I really thought everything was my at the time I was living in a group home and he was taking care of our child. Everything was perfect ("honeymoon period") for about 2 weeks. We physically abuse each other, and say horrible things. Sometimes I think it's all my fault, but I know that can't be right.

Example: The other night, I picked him up after work and we went straight to dinner- I never went in the house. We got home around 7:00 and I put the baby to bed. In the morning, he screams at me "lazy b***h" for not cleaning out his cooler- something I never do. It's not my "chore," if you will.


I have voiced my feelings so many times and it always falls on deaf ears. I can't change him and I'm done trying. I just can't afford it on my own yet. I'm saving up secretly and everything but it's going to be a couple of years. But I know that I have to do this right, there is a baby involved.

mad04h mad04h
9 Responses Jul 3, 2008

You don't have to stand for that. From what I see here, it's not your fault. Leave him. And don't go back to him no matter how much he begs. A clean break heals fastest, they say.

It never is. It's not your fault. Don't stand for it.

Get out as soon as you can ,the violence WILL escalate,and your life and the life of your child will be in danger,this kind of men are profoundly immature,selfish and controlling,you cannot reason with them they will never admit they could be wrong,in their eyes YOU are the one who is wrong! they are also very manipulative and find out where your vulnerability lay and use that to control you and make you feel guilty,he will destroy you and drag you down,you will lose your identity and every shred of self esteem,do not waste time to try and make him see how you could improve the" relationship"it will not work,and he will not change,theses men need someone to subdue and victimise,take your child and go to a safe place,go to your council and explain your situation to them they have addresses for abused and battered women to go to.Please do it now,you owe it to yourself and your child.Take care.

Dr Caroline Leaf is a brain scientist ,the tools you get on how the brain works with our emotions gives you the ability to change your world.Check her out online.we have 1400 chemicals in our brain that the brain uses to make recipes so we can have feelings for the thoughts we have.When he saw the cooler not cleaned a powerfull chemical was released into his system according to memories of expectations he has for you.There is also a memory of manipulation through anger there.Power to submit/authority out of control.Being that phisical abuse has entered.Your mind will factor that in and you'll stay because the fear of the unknown.If you order these dvds and you both watch them you both can be changed,and have the tools to overcome .the rest is up to the 2 of you.It seems like he dosen't want you to close,or he loses power when everything is going good.[POWER TRIPPERS always have to be in control someway.The needs of others only get partialy met as they meet their own selfish desires<br />
I will pray for you all/ Pete

I don't think that watching DVD's with an abuser will change that abuser's behaviour,( just where did you see that movie!!)they get too much fun and too great a sense of power over someone vulnerable to want to stop what they are doing.They more than likely will grab said DVD and throw it into the trash, and punch you to "teach you a lesson": you cannot change an abuser with psychopathic tendencies,you can only get away from him as soon as you can after careful planning and with outside help!

Yes ,sadly this is that" hope for improvement" ,that keeps victims with abusers when they should be leaving in a hurry,but victims often do not think straight when their self esteem is in tatters,they have been made to feel they deserve what they get and that "their" behaviour causes the abuse,they try their best and of course always unsuccessfully to placate their abusers.They have been manipulated into a corner.

I tend to agree with you when it comes to alcohol and drugs.In my case my abuser did not drink nor take drugs he was just a"nasty piece of work".and devious to boot!

And experiencing abuse first hand also gives one an insight in that terrible problem,so you can help counsel other abuse victims appropriately.

1 More Response

WHose fault who cares.<br />
<br />
The only thing you can change in a relationship is what you bring to it.<br />
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Try listening, but not like a lawyer gathering ammunition, but listening like you are trying to hear what he is Not saying or more what he is saying UNDERNEATH what he is saying.<br />
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Listen and ask questions until he is totally talked out. Until you completely understand what he is saying and he has said everything he wants to say.<br />
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If he gets exasperated in the process, just thank him for letting you know more and back off.<br />
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I have seen this technique transform people and relationships. It might take you a while to get oggd at it, because when he attacks you you tend to want to jump up and defend yourself.<br />
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When you FEEL that, get interested, notice what he said and what you feel, focus on the actual phyiscal sensations and where they are located in your body.<br />
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Then go back to listening and asking question.<br />
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While we can never change another person, we can transform ourselves and in the process transform the relationship and in the end the other person is different, not because we changed them, but we changed our perception of them.<br />
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Be patient as you learn to do this. And be kind to yourself.<br />
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When you notice a feeling big feeling get triggered by something he says laugh and let him know, not to GET him but just as an interesting that you have this inside you and I wonder what it means, sort of thing.<br />
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Good luck

NO! NO! NO! wake up to yourself! You cannot reason with an abuser,you are telling this woman to continue being a victim and to continue getting much of the same!

Sorry you have been not taught to read. I am not reasoning. I am a brain scientist. I do not have an agenda like you do for making people wrong.

I am merely interested in what works, how it works and the simplest way to do it.

I recommend a large gun or a big club for you. Anyone disagrees with you shoot them or beat them until they see your enlightened way of thinking.

Now that is out of the way, I would like you to consider you are supporting a users by believing they are a users and cannot be transformed.
I will not expect you to get that.

I am not "a brain scientist" myself,no, but as a registered psychiatric and general nurse I have had many occasions to witness the result of abuse by one person onto another and assess the mentality of abusers, even look after them in psychiatric wards,those with psychopathic tendencies and personality disorders,those one cannot reason with, because need and enjoy a sense of power and control over other human beings, be it their spouses or their children,but usually the most vulnerable ones,as bully as we all well know are also cowards! You the "scientist" cannot bear to have your theories contradicted by a mere member of the public as I am sure you view me, so let me remind you that I TOO WAS A VICTM OF ABUSE.and so I am more qualified to share my knowledge on the subject and what I KNOW about it. I am also a qualified midwife and have also had the occasion to witness what an abuser can do to a new mom too and the result of his wantonly destructive behaviour in that situation.You are not talking to an ignorant SIR,I have been at the coal face,have also worked in medical emergency for 8 years and saw the results of physical abuse by those bullies,who want total emotional and physical control over another.
Yes, if the person is prepared to meet you half way and allows you to have your say and lets you express yourself up to a point things can be worked out but only if they have enough insight and generosity of spirit to allow this to happen,but this DOES NOT HAPPEN WTH CERTAIN KIND OF ABUSERS, who have to be right at all costs,it is their way or the highway! They do not have insight in their sick behaviour,are profoundly immature,watching a video WILL NOT change the skewed chemistry of their brain,mostly if on top of all this they also take illicit drugs! you are telling an woman to stay with an abuser who will eventually harm her and her child as the violence is escalating when you should tell her to RUN!! what sort of "science" is that? You do not want someone to point out that YOU could be wrong.Sorry BUT I WILL!

And also as you read her story you must have seen that she TRIED and TRIED to improve the situation with that man but unsuccessfully.

1 More Response

I have been in a relationship with my 18 month old sons father for 2 1/2 years and it began to get physical 3 months into the relationship before i even got pregnant.... you hope for change but it never comes. You may not end up in a morgue but your mind will.. if you wait that long it will be harder to leave. He will get violent and conrolling and it only will get worse and the more you lie to yourself the more isolated you will become. You must break free now before its too late. I have finally made the decision to leave for I hit a large relization that I (you) CANNOT Change him.... it is not possible. You need to break the chain.. you do not want your son to abuse the person he claims to love. Just think about your son, he needs security.. he needs you.<br />
There is are not alone

I am afraid of being discovered here by HIM.

Yes, with that kind of man one often has to keep looking over one's shoulder.

I identify with what you say.

In that "2 year" period of time, you and/or your baby will probably be DEAD. <br />
This guy has extreme anger problems. He will take it out on you. And, he will take it out on the baby. <br />
<br />
You need to get out of there now. Call the City Hall where you live and ask them what kind of assistance is available. <br />
TELL THEM that he is abusive.<br />
Apply to your city, state, or county government for Welfare assistance. They will provide a home and financial assistance.<br />
<br />
If you love your baby, you will not wait.<br />
You will take action NOW.