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My Baby Has To Witness It All

Make up is my best friend. Every morning I wake up and look into the mirror only too see one more bruise than there was yesterday. I flinch in pain as I apply my pounds of make up to cover it up. A tear falls down my cheek as I have to face that this is my reality. I am scared for my life, if I leave he will find me. I love him I really do. When things are good they are really really good, but when things are bad they are really really bad. It has been bad for a while now.

When I met him, he charmed me, made me feel special, gave me the love that all little girls dreams of... As time went on I fell madly in love with him, I felt like I couldn't live without him. I was only 16, but I knew he was the one for me. The only one I wanted to have in my life. When I became legally able to marry, he proposed.. I said yes. Our wedding was beautiful, it was exactly what I wanted. He never showed me his true colors. I found out I was pregnant a month after we got married. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.. It was like the baby put too much responsibility and stress on him and he snapped. He began drinking more often, leaving home for days at a time, and started using drugs. Things went from bad to worse after that. He would come home drunk and high and beat the hell out me.

A part of me wants to leave, but the other part of me wants to stay. I want to stay because I do love him, he is the father of my child. I want my baby to have his mom and dad in his life, but I know him seeing his dad beat up his mom and treat her the way he does isn't doing any good for my baby. I just love this man so much, I made vows to him that I plan to keep... but I can't stand to know that my baby will have to witness this.

I feel like I have my back against a wall and no where to go. I don't know what to do to make things right.
buggabooLOVE buggabooLOVE 18-21, F 3 Responses Jan 22, 2013

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Everyone has their breaking point, you just haven't reached it yet. Abusive relationships are not normal or healthy. I think reaching out is the best thing you can do. He will eventually teach your son to be the same way. All people especially women deserve a loving healthy relationship.

get away from him as fast as you can,,before he goes into a rage and kills you,,

It was hard for me to read this story because I was right where you are 15 years ago. I was so stuck on being loyal no matter what and making him feel that I was the one who would love him unconditionally and never ever leave his side no matter what. I too refused to give up on my marraige giving my husband chance after chance after chance to make it right. It was never right. I wasted 15 years doing this. He won't miraculously change into this great guy you always knew he could be, it just won't happen. You cannot feel sorry for him, I'm sure does not feel sorry for you. If you truly want to help him, leave. He's going to have to learn a hard life lesson.

The hard thing is that he has showed me how great he can be.. He never raised his voice or hand to me until after I had my son.. He is an amazing person I just want that amazing man to come back to me. My vows I made to him means a lot to me. I dont want to abandoned the father of my child and the man I love.. I just can't bring myself to do it..

It sounds like you are not ready to leave and I understand. When I left I knew I was going to let him go for good and not look back. I didn't know my husband anymore. He revealed a person inside that I never knew was there but had always know in the back of my mind that something just wasn't right about this man. I knew I had been tricked. All the lies, all the manipulation, threats, all the mind games, I had had enough. The great side he shows you is the side that keeps you hanging on. If he beat you up every day you would have left a long time ago, right?. If he was mean to you from the beginning you never would have stayed with him. Smart abusers KNOW this. Smart abusers show you how "great" they are to leave you wishing and grasping at that old person you thought you knew for years and years. They show you Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to keep you in a state of confusion. Smart abusers know everything that makes you tick, they say everything you want to hear, and everything that will make you stay after they abuse you. They will cry, act like they have mental problems or anger issues, blame stress, blame you, beg, etc. etc. It's a mental game that he is playing with you and he can't be helped. It's just the way he is. You are not abandoning him. You are removing yourself out of a very unstable and unheathly situation. He is not a child, he is a man and doesn't need you to take care of him. He should be able to stand on his own two feet.