This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to admit... I haven't told anyone. Even as I write this I contemplate hitting the backspace and erasing it. I'm terrified that my husband is going to wake up and come in and see me typing this. His abuse has always been verbal - calling me names, telling me I'm stupid and such. All in the heat of an argument so I just chalked it up to anger and brushed most of it off for years but it kept getting worse. The words got harsher and harsher and the more you hear stuff the more you start to believe it.

I had a an abusive mother growing up so I know how this all works. I know the patterns. Once it starts - it doesn't stop! So why did I stay the first time he got drunk and angry and pushed me in a rage? I rationalized it that I got it the way and forced the issue, so of course it was my fault. You know blame the victim - right? Then the next time he was angry and put his hands on my throat and pushed me - again the rationale was that I egged him on... so my fault? Now my shoulder is badly bruised and I've got a good lump on my head from this last time. It must be me. Can it be possible that some people are just destined to seek out people that will always hurt them? My mother did it to me and now the man that is supposed to love me does.

He wasn't always like this. We had 23 years of pretty awesome marriage together. It's only been this last year that has been super hellish. I don't know what to do now. I know that I shouldn't love a person that does this to me but I can't help it.... I do! I still love him very much! I hate what he does and he's not the man that I married when he gets angry but when he's happy he's different.
ParaKlio ParaKlio
46-50, F
Aug 17, 2014