My Story

I don't even know how to start. It is so hard to admit any of this. I started to date my boyfriend, when I was 15. He was the kindest boy I had ever met. I felt for him instantly. He was my first everything, my first boyfriend, kiss, ect. The 1st year we where together was happy and normal he treated me with nothing but kindness. Once when my dad struck me across the face and left me a nasty bruise. He defended me and hit my dad back. None of his action would of ever hinted to the way he would eventually treat me. I don't quite remember how it happen. But it started. A harsh word here and there over nothing. His bad moods that would come more and more often as the time came. In those time he'd call me nasty things and sometimes hit me. Those times I'd break up him with and not see him for weeks. Eventually he'd beg me to forgive him and promise he would never do it again. I love him there was no helping myself and i would forgive him. In a way i needed him, he was the only person that truly cared for me. At 17 my dad kicked me out of the house. He had a new life now in which i did not fit. His new wife hated me, she told him it was her or me. Of course he chose her since he has always hated me. I stayed over at a friends house for a few days. One day i heard her mother telling her i was not welcomed there no more. I heard my friend begging her mom to let me stay but her mother said no that i could not stay. That day i skipped school and went to look for my boyfriend who I had been broken up with at the time. He had be more than happy to see me and asked me to go back with him. I said yes then told him what had happen. We went to talk with his parents and they let me move in. At first thing where okay and he was his old self but that soon changed. He'd hit me almost very day. Always making sure to hit me where no one could see the bruises. Once while I was in campus hanging out with some of my friend both guy and girls he drove by. I waved at him and thought nothing of it. That day when I got home he acted normal in front of him mum and dad. When they went to bed and we ourselves went to bed he started accusing me of cheating. The argument quickly got out of control. I was so mad i slapped him it was the first and last time I ever hit him. He pushed me with such force i hit myself hard on the head and passed out. When i woke up he was over me forcing my legs apart. I was to weak to fight him so I just laid there closing my eye to block out what was happening. The next day his dad talked to me ask me if we had fought, if his son had hit me. That if he had i could trust him and tell him and he would make sure his son never did it again. I denied it, i was ashamed to admit it. His father looked like he did not belive me but never asked me again. That was one of many times my boyfriend forced me to sleep with him. There are still times when he is all smiles and tenderness. When we get along great and I forget about the bad. Then it will happen again the hitting, the hard words. When I got pregnant i really wished I wasn't, it scared me what he could do to me. He took it well enough. He would be nice enough to me but he'd still hit me never to cause the baby harm but he would still do it. I don't know why but I cannot built up the courage to leave him. I had to quit me part time job. I thought once i graduated community college i could be totally independent and finally leave him. But it was not as easy as I had thought it would be.  His parents are so nice to me in them I found the parents I never had. Through out my pregnancy and now that i have my baby girl they give me all the love and support I need. I am totally dependent on them but I cannot stay there. It gets worst everyday I cannot stand it. The harsh words, the taunts, and specially the way he looks at our daughter. The bleakness in his eyes he cares nothing for her. He will not hold her or recognize she is even in the room. He has even said that for all he know she is not his daughter. When he knows it could only be his. I know i have to leave him for my daughters sake but it is so hard for me. Where will I go what will i do if I left him. i cannot find the courage to do it.

Meridone Meridone
18-21, F
4 Responses Feb 10, 2010

I myself was in a very similar situation. You are a strong woman and yes you can make it without him. I went 2 a womens shelter 4 abused women

NoWhereToGoButUp<br />
Thanks for your words. They give me courage to make things happen. Its hard for me to find ppl that understand my situation. In the small town that I live in it is unheard of to accuse of your bf/husband of abusing you. There is no help for ppl in my situation. I confided in a really good friend that is helping me move to another town where she moved. In less than a month I will be gone, good willing. I do not ever want my daughter to go threw what I've go threw. For her to think that it is okay because it is not.

You are stronger then you think. You know it is not right and you know it has to stop. Whether or not he hits you daughter in the future is irrelevant. If she grows up seeing you get hit and degraded and put down and hurt, then sees you put up with and accept it, she will grow up to believe that this is the way it is supposed to be... Mommies are supposed to get hit by daddies. That is not something you want your daughter to learn. As for the future, I have two postings on this topic. I am 30 and just going back to the community college. I am a single mother of a 3 1/2 year old son and I work at a drug addiction treatment center. I have my own car, my own house, and my own life. We can make it happen... For our children's sake we have to make it happen. I am glad you see this. That is the first step to becoming your own person. I know it is hard and seems overwhelming. But smile, you are among friends now. Friends who understand what you are going through and will help you through it.

Hi Meridone, <br />
<br />
You owe it to yourself and your daughter to get out of that situation as soon as possible. I would hope there is a shelter somewhere near by where you would be able to move to until you can get back on your feet. Contact social services and request assistance. It's really important for you to get out of there asap. There is no justifiable reason for him to assault you. You need to set aside your feelings/fears about him and take action before something worse happens to you. Even if its just the status quo that is unacceptable and it is causing you emotional/psychological harm whether you realize it or not. <br />
<br />
You can weather the transition and life will/can be so much better for you and your child. <br />
<br />
Best Wishes! Mel