If Sex Is To Happen,,, Ever... It's Always Up To Me To Initiate It.

And the quality of the passion recieved is not all that great. We're in a 30 year dedicated marriage. Not once has she ever initiated a sexual encounter. Sex seems almost mechanical from her. Affection has always been lacking. Zero public affection, If I didn't initiate it, I'm convinced that our marriage would be totally sex free. I can go a month just waiting for some sign of desire from her and... nothing.
Ndullgent1 Ndullgent1
51-55, M
20 Responses Dec 5, 2010

OUCH! I can relate. My situation is almost as bad,...not quite but VERY close. Sometimes I feel like what I get is "mercy sex", and it is really just insulting. I get blamed if I take care of things with myself,..and if I have the courage to ask, my wife often just offers a hand job to shut me up. But, I am not allowed to touch her at all: no kissing, cuddles that are ONLY platonic, and no wondering hands of any type. It is insulting. The problem I struggle with is...well, she really does NOT feel sexual desire of any type like I do. It feels there are irreconcilable differences built right in our marriage between us. I don't like it,...but that is how I feel.

Oh my gosh that is me down to a tee! The answer is I believe that some women simply have a very low libido, and later in life their hormones drop even further to zero. Anti depressants make it even worse. have you tried testosterone injections for her.?My wife did so unwillingly and did it just to please me and said the problem was in her head.

Months at a stretch without sex, and then when it does happen...it is all about her! Frustrating doesn't even describe the feeling anymore. It almost gets to the point where you say...ok, I don't even want to bother anymore.

OP, that's how women are. I've slept with, and had relationships with every race on the planet and in multiple countries. Guess what... on the lower-level (woman-level) they are all the same. They all want to feel like "presents to be unwrapped and enjoyed." I hate to say that because I know someone is going to use that phrase or a derivitive of some sort to use in a book. Well, at least I have a record here so I can sue their *** later.<br />
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Back to your situation... I'm younger than you, but nothing you are saying is the same as any relationship I've ever had in my life with women. When I was younger, I used to hear "I want you to take my clothes off" in English or some other language. Today I sent my wife an SMS, telling her to come home for a quickie at lunch time, which she did. As soon as she walked into the room, she started taking her clothes off. Hey! Even more practical! But I *know* that if I had taken her clothes off and kissed her body as I was removing her clothes, she would have liked it even more! I would have done that, but she was so quick to get her clothes off because the LAST time we had sex (due to business reasons.. we are overloaded people!) was a couple of weeks ago. Women want serious men.. I don't know any other way to put it. Women want men to initiate. It's just our "role" in life. (Any ladies here.. feel free to disagree with me at any time...ok.)<br />
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HOWEVER, if you initiate contact and she recoils, then that's aother story. If so, she's likely upset about something.

hit me up for a good time anytime anywhere:)

I understand what you mean. My wife never asks for sex. she does take it seems delight in telling me how many men in the pub where she works make lewd and suggestive comments to her. when she is at home actually suggesting we have sex is never on the cards, and i have given up trying to persuade her. all i can suggest is that you sit down and ask her what she wants from the marriage and where sex fits in to it for her. don't despair i'm sure things will sort them selves out. best of luck

I wish there was a fix all for this for all of us. My husband is almost completely disinterested in sex. I used to initiate sex or try to at least but I couldn't remember the last time he ever said yes. It was always something...to tired, not in the mood, headache, foot hurts, or whatever. He kept making promises that if he lost weight then he would want to again, but even after he did then it was "if I didn't work so much then I would" I have gotten so frustrated with it cause he NEVER says yes. I stopped trying to initiate ANYTHING cause it made me feel horrible when I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Now he is the only one who starts it and he wants it about once every two months or so and its always a quickie, its mechanical and impersonal. He always wants it doggy style and I never ***. Several times I've caught him doing it to **** (which he says he does to get ready and hard for me), or he stops us doing it and asks me to go upstairs cause there is some noise up there from the kids that is making it so he can't ***, and he promises to make me a video of him finishing himself. He says the video is for me to finish myself later. I hate this I don't know what to do. In every previous relationship I've been in its been sex every day or every other day. I like it that way but my husband...always on his terms and about once every two months, Yet I've never told him no ever...should I? I don't know if he's not interested in sex or just not interested in sex with me...any thoughts would be fantastic.

moon, based on what you said, he's not happy with *himself*, his weight. It's not your fault. It's shame things have to negatively affect your life. IMO, it's not even really HIS fault. It's the media's fault. They are the ones that say that everyone has to be perfect. Anyone who is anything less is worthless. I don't subscribe to this way of thinking and pay little-to-no attention to the media.

That being said, we (guys) are block-heads in the area of subtelty. About the strongest sign you could possibly give is to SAY you want sex and SHOW your pubic hair. Or even stronger, take off your clothes and go "Spread Eagle" on the bed. If your guy doesn't GET THAT, then find someone else.

Wow - a lot of pain here. Add me to the list of the tormented souls. I am wondering anymore what it would be like to be sexually desired, to enjoy the arousal and excitement of a partner.<br />
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I guess when I was younger the lack of sexual initiative on her part and the lack of exuberance did not bother me. It would not bother me so much now, as we both slow down, if she would have some interest and enjoyment. I see to her physical satisfaction, but there seems to be a lack of emotional intimacy.<br />
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How to cope?

Sorry to say it guys, but maybe it's your technique. I Mean if it's mechanical for you, I can only imagine how "mechanical" it must be for her. Also if there is no sexual chemistry there sure as hell is no spiritual intimacy, and as we know sexual intimacy starts way before you hit the sack, it is non physical and definitely non genital and almost always starts with true honest and forthright communication. The sexual act is just an ex<x>pression of where your marriage is at. if a woman is closed to you then you really need to evaluate how honest you have been. In my opinion.

Our brain is suppose to be our biggest sex organ so what we see and say has a lot to do with it.<br />
I keep thinking make love to my mind first ... so I am going to put it to the test not sure how but I am going to give it a try. (My marriage is going down the toilet because of this peri menopause )<br />
Any thoughts ??

Thanks for your comments Africanwitch and now76. It's been almost a year now and still no change... as if I even expect it. Since I don't expect it, there is no dissappointment. One thing I know is that she would never have an affair. We are very dedicated to each other. However, now76, switching would be exciting and thrilling... my conscience could never let me stray. I once heard the ex<x>pression that there are two types of married men in the world... those who ********** and those who say they don't. African, I could never hate or accuse my wife. I know that she has been dealing with the perimenopause... and I sympathize with her. But what about all the years that were before that? I think she has just gotten into that pattern and has no desire to change. <br />
YB01, I'd love a radical suggestion as long as it doesn't entail bringing others into a relationship or having us break the marital covenant. Suggest away!! I'm all ears.

Councilling may not change anything out of the gate but if she is willing to try it may help bring to light many of these problems your experiencing and if nothing else may help her realize whats happening to you. A spouse who truly loves the other would try and help ease some of that pain but they have to realize that it is there. You have to find the right councillor though. One that you and her feel comfortable talking to and thats the hard part.

Wierd how the world works, first we told sex is dirty dont do stuff like that because you a **** etc.<br />
It sticks somewhere in sub subconscious and it stays there forever !! You can not do this that and the other because you a girl, however you are expected to get married have kids and be happy. <br />
But sex is something you dont talk about its a bad thing..... Now you hit perimenopause and you just loose interest in sex, like a light switch thats been turned off, freaky ! Next your husband or partner suspects you are having affair, the accusations start... next thing you hear you are a lesbian.... next you a lying ***** and so it goes on. Guys you not helping the problem you making it worse !! Women are not a visual as men our sexdrives works different and the more we try to explain, the more we are told we are lying and then you dont understand why we not interested ? Even with lack of sexdrive because of illlness or perimenopause desire can be achieved it a matter of understanding the problem and how to go about it. By accusations and threats you will turn the little bit of love thats left into pure hate.

Sex seems almost mechanical from her. Affection has always been lacking. Zero public affection, If I didn't initiate it, I'm convinced that our marriage would be totally sex free.<br />
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Ndull, I went through the same thing for 22 years (married for 19). I thought it would improve-it didn't. It was so mechanical, even though I tried EVERYTHING to improve things. I had to phyically move here limbs to get her to "perform" if you could even call it that. I have gotten to the point where I would stop "asking" for it or at least giving out signs that it might be a nice thing to do....many times over the years. I would hold out as long as I could. She wouldn't have a problem and we would just go months with absolutely zero physical contact. I would finally give in and although she wouldn't say no, it was the same old ho-hum thing. I started to hate myself for participating in this "pity sex" and the fact I ended my holdout. Eventually I got sick of the "power of the p**sy" and her indifference to whether or not we had any sort of physical relationship. We had dozens of "the talk" over the years with her just saying what she needed to say to keep me around a bit longer to make everything appear happy & normal to those looking in. This is what she was all about. I was merely a plant in the corner that never got watered, so eventually, the plant died and I left the marriage 6 months ago. I'm now happier than I've ever been to be free from her passive agressive touture that she put me through for better than half my life. FUX her and move on baby!

That's encouraging - 'happier than I've ever been!!!' wow. Congratulations for your guts to move on out of there into your chance of happiness.

Wow! This sounds exactly like my situation! I too hate the fact that I give in after waiting forever for her to initiate or show any form of passion.

I'm with you on keeping up appearances as well, as my 'roommate' is more interested in the facade of a perfect life. Thanks for sharing your story.

guys, I think this is a woman-thing. I've been with tons, and only about 2 women (just once) tried to initiate something with me. They all want the guy to do everything. My dream is to have a woman who is always naked waiting on the bed for me. Haha, yeah right, I think that's a guy dream, but very far from reality.

I'm 36 and my wife or what I really think it has become, room mate, is 48. We've been together for 15 years and after we had children no sex ! I've gone 6 months without ! If I were not a Christian I would hae been out years ago but I love my three children and God hates divorce, but I don't know how much longer I can go ?<br />
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So, I don't have a good answer for you.

If there's no emotional attachment anymore, what's wrong with getting a little on the side? Then when the kids are older, you split. I had some "Christian" family members who did this and years later, everyone is very happy.

I personally, am not religious, but the Bible is very comprehensive book. I hope I'm not "jumping the gun" here, but here's a link I found very quickly. Before you actually need this link, I would suggest trying to find some scriptures related to your EXACT situation.

I couldn't post the link because this site wouldn't allow it. Just Google "Bible Adultery"

maybe she has guilt over sex? often women are trained from birth by society to behave this way, and view sex as something dirty.... Or maybe she was abused in her past? It would be good if you talked with her in a kind and understanding way. Ask her if something is wrong, and if she can't talk to you, to talk with someone else.

I know what is feels like , We are in time zone , of where do we go from here , is it out the door or , find a friend with benifit and stay married , I feel I'm going to go out the door

Sounds like the woman i married 30 ys also.<br />
Wow lots of pain to go around

Wow...this is one of the first stories I read on this website and it is exactly what I'm going through. In fact, I think I'm beyond just being annoyed and frustrated. I think I'm suffering from depression and have just given up initiating. The problem has been there for at least a year but I never really realized it until now. That's because we recently moved and I didn't have a job for 10 months while she has been working. I also recently tore my Achilles and am unable to fill the void with sport activities. So all I do is think about how our marriage is slowly dissolving. I can't stay focused on anything but my marriage for any length of time.<br />
One minute I'm trying to come up with ways to improve our relationship and believe it will get better. The next minute I feel like she's cheating on me. Then sometimes I question whether we'll last another day. And then 5 minutes later I remember just how much in love I really am with her. Like with you, my wife won't seek counseling or a doctor. I can't take the emotional drain much longer and am not sure what to do...<br />
I'm sure you are sharing your experience because you're looking for advice...sorry, you will only get sympathy from me considering you have been married for twice as long as me. I really don't think I can make it that far at the rate we're going. Best of luck to you.

You sound so much like me, my heart goes out to you. I have been making the counseling industry improve its bottom line - and still I am depressed and anxious. Hope life is better for you by now.

We've never been to a counselor. It's not a totally sexless marriage. It's just always initiated by me... and frankly it gets rather annoying and fruitless when she constantly has the power to control whether or not anything happens. When the affection is shunned more frequently than it's accepted, it has conditioned me to not be as affectionate as I'd like to be. Frustration is more frequently the result. It's always been like this... going on 30 years. Funny thing, I grew up during the sexual revolution and had ample opportunity to indulge in numerous relationships, but I dodged it all and have only expressed my sexuality with my wife. She is the only woman I have ever been with. When we were young and in high school, she was somewhat affectionate... but her family has never shown any outward passion toward one another. I know that in her college days, she was somewhat promiscuous and had relationships with several guys. <br />
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I've asked her to express the low libido with her gynecologist... but she doesn't see it as a problem. And I believe that she is too embarassed to discuss it.

Like I keep saying, don't feel bad about it. I think this is a universal-woman thing. I've been with hundreds of women and only a few times in my life, I woman actually initiated it.

Sounds like you better just come on over to the sexless marriage group you are there anyway

Nah..he should just leave.

Low libido and physical disconnection could be a symptom of some other underlying condition...when did it start? Have you two ever sought a counselor?