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Almost Sexless Marriage Parameters

Like everyone else I've read that 10 times or less a year is considered sexless. Now what parameters do you give Almost Sexless?

The easy answer would to simply give a different number such 10-20 times a year. But I think "Almost sexless" is comprised of marriages with many more variables and can unfortunately be comprised of so many couples today. Maybe the way to go is remove anyone that says they are good with their sex lives no matter the frequency. That leaves everyone who is "Unhappy" with their sexual well being.

The second step is remove all people who are having lots of sex. Lets' say twice a week. No matter what they aren't in a sexless marriage by anyone's calculation in my book. That leaves everyone else that is having less sex than they desire and somewhere between 11 and 52 times a year. Remember I already excluded those who are happy.

The real problem occurs when either spouse's sex drive is out of sync with the other. One is always frustrated, feeling rejected while the other feels pressured and thinks their spouse is only interested in sex. It's such a classic case that it's the number reason couples go to counseling. 60% I've read. It may be hidden beneath other problems but usually surfaces as the main underlying cause. Almost by default the spouse with the lower sex drive controls the frequency.

The worst aspect is that this situation builds resentment of both partners. This resentment causes all the problems. Usually no one speaks up and just tries their best to adapt. One partner may give up asking and the void grows. Now ask yourself do you fall into "I am in an almost sexless marriage?"

How do you adapt?
PC2629 PC2629 56-60, M 17 Responses Jan 5, 2012

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In my opinion 10 times a year is not sexless, it is just not very often. Once or twice a year might be almost sexless, but then maybe 3 or 4 times as well.
As important, I think, is the quality. So you could imagine a scale from DIY through reluctant, charity, all the way up to enthusiastic. Being at the DIY level I'm definitly in a SM (10 years and counting - loads of other things keep us together) but unless your partner is enthusiastic, and possibly for the right reasons as well (i.e not just because tey want a baby etc.) then your sex life is less than it might be and may even progress to worse. I've not quite thought this through, and have run out of time, so will continue this another time.
(I've just joined this community from the UK so apologies if I contravene any rules)

Optimism and forgiveness within the parameters of a sexless or almost sexless marriage can keep you trapped there forever, constantly thinking "this is going to get better". Yet it rarely does. I might have guilt over leaving, but the agony of waiting year after year for it to change was *finally* harder than admitting it never would.

Leaving doesn't seem a viable option. Other aspects seem to be good in my marriage. My needs of intimacy seem to be selfish on the surface. However, I do get confused when upon refusal she'll say that I'm only trying to make myself feel good. Not physical she means, she's implying that I'm just trying to build my own self esteem by hoping she'll desire me. Guess that she should a whole thread by itself.

It's NOT selfish. I struggled with that. But if I want others to find "More" why shouldn't I want it for myself. Same goes for you. Just because you find you're okay roommates and co-parents, doesn't mean there isn't a need for us to find someone who makes us feel truly alive, whole, and wanted.

Now I will admit that I've been hoping for improvement for years yet it never happens. Thus I find myself writing on EP looking for answers that I haven't explored yet.

The awful truth must be this is the way it'll be. Accept it or look elsewhere.

First of all let me thank you for just commenting at all. <br />
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Being a male I couldn't possibly believe it happens in reverse but it does. But then I look at your young age and wonder why? No doubt you've been thinking the exact same thing. <br />
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What kind of discussions have you had with your husband?

I'm in the same boat but the opposite gender. It's an awful place to be. I'd be happy with sex 10 times a year. It would be a great improvement.

If you know the numbers, then there is an issue. This means someone is concerned enough or in this case deprived enough to know, or care. If the refuser knows this, and they are choosing to continue this path, or are not willing or able to lovingly make some type of compromise, then they are demonstrating their degree of 'love' or the selfishness that they have. If I am also not willing to compromise too, then I also show my true colors. I will point out that I have been compromising for years as have many in these posts. What that says about who we are speaks volumes.

yeap, my husband accuses me of not being interested in him, but the problem is that when it all started he was depressed because he didn't had a job, I was working 3 jobs to pay the bills, I get home tired he is laying in the sofa without shower, playing xbox or with his nose in a book , or looking at Por .n online and BSDM crap stories.. <br />
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without helping me at all! even with doing dishes. really? then when he finally find a job after 2 year unemployed, I stopped working 2 of the jobs, but still maintained 1 full time, so now i can give him more attention, and I DID! what he did?<br />
he started an affair with a coworker! and yet he wont admit it, he says was all an emotional affair. .. now i feel like shiiit, his affair hurts me like hell and its been a year.<br />
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now yes I hate have sex with him, because every time he touch me I think on the other woman. and he gets angry with me and go look at por.n. btw he is addicted to it ... and it also pains me ! I 've been married for 8 years, however I not even changed much, I have the same weight, 110lbs, have no kids, same style , I am Brazilian, he went to look for a F..uc.king Chinese hoe? so WTF?

some men are just @ h.o.l.e.s. if you dont have kids, the sex sucked, he messed around on you and he's a **** addict - and you are hot - dump him!!! If I didn't have a kid ans wasn't intertwined with family business interests I would be outta here. WTF are you doing???

I personally believe that we are much more than our physical bodies, and that American society puts way too much focus on sex (actually, an unhealthy emphasis on sex). That being said, a spouse who loses interest in copulating with their significant other, without there being medical problems, is probably nature's way of moving people onto new gene pools. But again, we are much more than our brain stems and the primal urges that come from them. <br />
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Not happy? Be honest and get a divorce with dignity.

Your response sucks.

"ScooterLuv", what an intelligent comment! Looks like we have another Einstein among gracing us with his presence!

After 30 frickin' years, I get out. Son is grown. Moved out. Me time finally. Hi, friend.

My problem is I just keep that optimistic outlook that never seems to work.

There are many individuals that have differing levels of Labido, when they hook up for the emotional side, the physical differences come to the top. Suggest other things that may make them more playful, or admit you need to find a partner that has a closer matching sex drive. I was in a marriage for 19 years, the last 10 were trying to convince myself why a woman would only want sex a couple of times a year. Mow that I have been remarried for 10 years, my sex life is great. My Gender presentation may be changing, but our time in the bedroom is purely naked-sex, with toys. The toys were added in recently, we take turns every month buying something new to try out. With the first being a mutual choice of a harness with Velcro tie-downs. It has gone on from there and now we have this anticipation of what the "new" toy will be. <br />
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Let her choose a turn or two, let her know almost anything is ok, set limits if you have any to establish ground rules.<br />
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Good luck, and be kind to each other.

If I were to let her choose... it would be an old 1940's black and white movie that she's seen 20 times before.

I feel for you. I know the issues. I had a cheating husband. Real *****. Not saying you are the same *****. I will say. Lies beget lies. If you say its just sex.........bs. I didn't want my ex to touch me because of how he treated me. I was also blamed for not wanting sex when his idea of foreplay was to touch me and say ok now? I know for a fact the care and excitement he showed the other women was not the same. As you say your FWB were. Complacentcy in a marriage and staying for a good cause is just an excuse not to deal with the bigger issues. Also........do you really think your wife would except you having an affair. That would be ok in her world? <br />
I am now with a non ***** man. Our sex life when we first met was ........well......I don't think many could top the frequency and passion. We both felt such intensity. Is a beautiful thing. Our life right now is less sex due to all my stress. Yet our intimate time is still there. We caress without sex. We kiss .......we do all the loving things. We take the time to make sure we both know. We desire each other and love each other. My relationship would be nothing without truth and loyalty. Being true to myself is the most important thing.

That is a great shame. You could try a compromise that is more in her favour. How often would you like sex is the starting point. Physical contact does not have to mean intercourse it strikes me you might have to start small and build. If you do have success don't forget to reward, what does she like flowers chocolates a film. Comment when she looks lovely, notice a new top read men are from mars and women are from Venus. Also as part of a plan to shake up your life and possible back up plan take up a new hobby that attracts both sexes cycling tennis badminton swimming for example. This will do your self esteem good give you an interest outside of the relationship and time to gain perspective. Also remember calmness is power and you lose an argument/discussion is you resort to swearing. Good luck

Kindacurious2, i think has answered her own question in her answer. Boy finds girl, boy falls in love hopes girl does too, they embark on a life together. With kids, work, mortgage, bills life becomes a little more complicated a little less fun. Boy does not stop loving girl and does not stop wanting to be with her, he just wants a more regular physical union. In the case of marriage or in my opinion if you have a family you can't just leave someone because your have a libido imbalance. I think it is a common occurance that men place a much higher value on the physical side of a relationship than women. If there is an imbalance it is something that needs be discussed and if necessary as Kindac2 suggests professional assistance sought, no doubt a compromise will be reached and hopefully all will be well. Personally speaking my wife and I have such an imbalance and following two kids we have managed to work things out to a relatively happy compromise, I would like it more and she would probably like it less both parties giving something. Everyday I look at her and think how beautiful she is and I hope that feeling at least lasts for ever.

Your comment was basically dead on. The only problem is she's not much into compromises.

That is sad to know that she can't compromise.

I believe that there are also women that want the physical connection..........to feel desired, wanted and loved but the man just wants to be left alone...........

Yes. My H was like that.

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Wow well gentlemen...I am not sure why any of you stay in a sexless marriage. There are women out here you would love just as much who would have a regular sex life with you. I never did understand the men who are "in love" with their wives but have something on the side. <br />
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As a woman, I personally would not stay in a sexless relationship. I find it an important factor in my own well being. I would get couple counseling and get the problem resolved or I would end the marriage. Why would I want to be miserable for years? When I know I can be equally happy with someone who has wants and desires that are equal to mine.

I cant tell you how many times i think the same thing. I'm not sure why I stay other than we just belong together and we'll get through this.

Honestly, how do you figure you belong with someone who does not share all of themselves with you? Sorry that is where my confusion begins.......I belong with a man who 100% wants to be with me...in every way...not joined at the hip but wants me and cant wait till we are together again...I cant settle for less

Maybe because it's complicated and there are others to consider as well. Who knows why people stay..........some have good reasons and some just are afraid to move on. It's all sad that I know.

I think you hit it...they are afraid to move on or make a change....but they aren't afraid of having an affair? that makes zero sense...but hey...and staying for the kids? that is the worst reason...children are not stupid...they know things arent right..oh well

you have all the answers, doncha?

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Sexless marriages don't have a number attached to them.<br />
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If you feel a continual paucity of intimacy with the context of your marriage or long term romantic relationship, then you are in one.<br />
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YOU determine if you are in one or not.

Bingo

I think what I was really trying to say was that an Almost sexless marriage occurs when the frequency is far above the 10x a year. 2 times a month a months would be considered almost sexless in my book.

I should add that I also have come to know the feeling of guilt for not feeling guilty. FWB's yes, it's true. Most likely the very most exciting experiences of my life. The stories I could tell. But I'd take it all back or never again if there was desire at home.

The FWB is in the past &amp; I will not go down that path again. Guilty? There were times I felt no guilt because I was blinded by the thought that this was my new love. There was plenty of guilt to answer your question. I've learned that I love my wife no matter what. T

Yep! Everything is very good in our marriage ... except the sex. I would be happy to "get it" 10 times a year; but I'm maybe getting it once every 4 to 5 months (and yes it's getting longer between each time). I am better at accepting it because my wife NOW has some medical issues, but that was not always the case. Yes she felt I was pressuring and I was feeling rejected. We are past that now. I'm not sure what to tell any of you except keep the communication open.<br />
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Be prepared for the worst if you have an affair for find a friends with benefits situation. I did and it was fine. My biggest problem is I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty! I know ... weird but it is what it is! I am looking for a married lady so if you're out there let me know.

I'm glad that you got past this feeling.

yeah man, that's like saying my car runs real well except the air conditioning is out, that I'm not fully confident that it will start on a regular basis............it gets where you need to go most of the time but truthfully you are uncomfortable and have a bit of anxiety about it not starting every time. A/C issue is for those in hot climates.