Reality Hits Hard.

I write this, not as a means of trying to start conversations, just as a means of expressing myself and how I feel regarding the recent situations in my life.
Right now I find myself in a very melancholy state as I begin to truly realize that there is no way that she can find me attractive with the reactions I have had during this last week. It is hard to put these words down as it truly solidifies my fears and concerns and legitimizes something that I truly wanted to deny. Here is a bit of history before I reach the last 7 days. I have always felt that I was in a low sex marriage, not NO sex but LOW sex. Five years ago we had a long chat regarding the lack of intimacy that resulted with me in tears and her promising to improve and/or go to the doctor to talk about this. Things improved for a while, when I asked her about the doctor she stated that he said that it was probably hormonal and nothing else ever happened from it.  My fault for not following up. We had sex 16 times in 2010, I know because I tracked it on a calendar and showed it to her as proof when she denied this fact. Last year we topped that by the time that we hit tax time, so I stopped tracking it, when she asked around Christmas I admitted that I stopped tracking and why. We were on a good pace for most of the year. There were times when we wouldn’t because either of us was sick, I feel that is reasonable. I am now back at the same spot that I was before.
We have had sex three times this year. Not a real concern yet as the year is still young. This last week started off pretty well. We enjoyed each other’s company intimately once last week, the problem was that neither of us was really feeling well and we stopped. A couple of days later I proposed that since we were both feeling better that we should finish what we started. The look on her face spoke volumes and has set the tone for the rest of my week. Before she could mask what she felt and thought I could clearly read a look of incredulity. She was shocked that I would actually propose such a thing. What made it even worse was when I called her on it and told her she had a look as if to say “I can’t believe I may have to do that again. “ She went into denial mode. I spoke to her about it and she redirected with trying to get us focused on doing anything else, including cleaning the house and taxes. I acquiesced seeing that there was no progress to be had at that time.
Two days later I tried again. This time by being playful and simply kissing and trying to elicit a physical reaction. This time she pushed me away asking me what I was doing? I told her that I wanted to kiss her and get in some closeness. She agreed but soon pushed me away complaining that she didn’t like having me that close to her face. I called her on this stating that I was trying to initiate something and that if she didn’t want to she simply needed to say so. She didn’t say that she didn’t want to she just said that it was too early and that one of the kids could wake up soon. I gave it a pass saying that I was interested. That night she went to bed saying she was tired.  I told her that I was going to leave it up to her to initiate sex then. To that I got no response.
Basically, I have been rejected. There is no other way to say it. The sad thing is that I can’t even seek relief myself since if I do and she decides later that she wants to have fun and I am not able to perform then I will be the bad guy. I would go out and find someone else, but the damage would be too great to the entire family. I would leave, but the same reasoning applies.
I am trying to improve my health and fitness as I have lost 10 pounds in the last couple of months and am training for triathlons that are happening in the spring. If this goes on much longer I may have to simply leave a letter and walk away w/ my few belongings and go become a hermit. I don’t demand a lot. I would just like to have the chance to be intimate more than twice a month. She doesn’t want to fool around when she is having her period, I understand that. She doesn’t want to just simply play around w/out going to completion, that I don’t understand, but I abide by it because I love her. I guess I am also afraid of what it would be like to be alone and looking for someone else. I keep asking how would I live? How would I handle this with the kids? I couldn’t survive w/out them. Sounds funny from a guys point of view, but it would be devastating to the boys if I left. I can’t hurt them. I can put up with a lot to ensure that they are happy, but how much more pain can I endure before I actually break. I have done that with her once and tried explaining that I needed her attention two times before. Each time things haven’t change for more than the short term. I fear that I am stuck unless I truly grow a pair and figure out a way to change the situation to the betterment of all. Until then I feel truly trapped and unfortunately NOT screwed!
Thanks for listening to my rants and letting me express myself. I only hope that somehow, someone can learn from my experience and try to avoid this situation or improve theirs before they get to the point that I am.

We had a chat the day before Valentine's day, she said that she was going to bed and that I should wake her up if I was interested. I told her that I meant what I said that she had to initiate the next time that we had sex. The look on her face was surprised and shocked. She asked me if it had been that bad? I told her that it wasn't that our sex life was that bad, but that I was tired of being turned down. I told her the rejection was becoming more than I could bear and that I was just going to shut down for a while and that I would find other ways to occupy my time. She asked what I meant and I told her that I was going to spend more time working out, studying for school and remodeling the basement. Up to this point in time all of these things might take up a total of one night a week between the three of them. She said she was sorry and that she was just too tired to initiate anything tonight. I told her that was alright b/c now I was not in much of a mood to make love as I was quite upset and bitter. She sat there for a while looking at me as if expecting me to say something else. After a few minutes she excused herself to go to bed. When I got into bed she was out cold and as I promised, I did not wake her up or try to.

On Valentine's day I got up with the expectation that nothing was going to happen. Fortunately my lowered expectations were not surprised that evening after the kids went to bed. I sat with her and talked like we normally do every night and after the news she was off to bed. This pattern continued until Saturday night when she announced that she wanted to have some fun and she was going to get ready for bed. This was her way of announcing she was ready to play.

Since then things seem to be improving, but it has only been three weeks. I hope that our usual pattern doesn't come back where for a couple of months things are good and then it falls off pace again. She at least seems to be trying as she initiated recently when she wasn't totally into it, but I am not sure if that is better or not. It just doesn't seem to be fun if she isn't there mentally to enjoy what we are doing, maybe I am being too picky, but I do want her to enjoy what we are doing as well, not just be there to help me get some relief. If I wanted that I could find some random woman in a bar that wanted that. Oh well only time will tell and I will still strive to find what we used to have. If I don't work at it, then it will simply go the way of the DoDo and I am willing to fight to keep that from happening. I will also keep track to show her if I need to later this year or next year.

In the meantime, good luck to all of you that are in the same or similar boat, we have some work to do and only by doing the work will we get what we want or figure out our goal is unattainable.
mythos52003 mythos52003
41-45, M
4 Responses Feb 9, 2012

This is an old thread, but I found this on a blog and am posting it here because it echoes so much of what I'm feeling. The original author is someone who posted on open salon as "And Yet". The title of her piece is "This is what a sexless marriage feels like...and yet". I find it very well written and it encapsulates why sex is so important:<br />
<br /> won't allow me to cut and paste. Google the title. It's worth it.<br />
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I am no longer angry or bitter about my husband's years of refusing. I know now he's riddled with guilt ("not a day goes by that I don't feel guilty about this"). I am just sad, sad, sad. Are you still with your wife? Show her the blog entry. Maybe it will open the door for some communication. It didn't work for me, but I think my relationship is too far gone.

Let the kids grown and leave the house and you can too.........noone needs this crap.

Guess this string is kind of "old" but oh well. I'm still going to put in my 2 cents.<br />
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Since I got married my sex drive has significantly decreased.<br />
There are alot of non-organic factors involved (stress from various sources) but I honestly think that for some people (mostly women), the sex drive dimnishes over time. I know this isn't true for all women, but I thin there are enough women who experience this that there is probably at least a partially biological basis ("hormones").<br />
You might even speculate that the reason is that women don't "need" a sex drive after their fertile years - while men keep a healthy sex drive because they can potentially reproduce until death.<br />
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Of course that kind of "scientific" view of things doesn't help.<br />
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I'm not sure if there is an equivalent for men. Loss of interest in your train set or ba<x>seball cards? Loss of interest in fast cars and drinking games? Loss of interest in the "sneek-peek" of boobage or back-side in rated "R" movies? Loss of interest in a superhero / firefighter / policeman/ GI joe fantasy? <br />
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Can't think of a good equivalent.<br />
But I do think it is possible the "problem" could be mainly a biologic shift - like if you lose your sense of smell food is probably going to become WAY LESS interesting and satisfying to you. No matter how delicious it looks (to everyone else). No matter how hungry you SHOULD be ba<x>sed on the last time you ate. No matter how much you USED TO enjoy food. It would be a perspective that others could not relate to. They think you are crazy and missing out - how could you NOT be hungry????<br />
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Sorry - not trying to make a case for hopelessness. If this is your wife's issue then there are possible solutions. I think maybe your wife needs a new doctor (preferably someone that deals with sexual problems). Doctors can prescribe really low level hormones (androgens) to help boost sex drive. Your wife's doc might not have considered it because A) it's not something he/she is familiar with or - B) he/she is an "old school" doc - it's not something your wife's doctor approves of (women should just get old and dried up - like their mommas and grandmommas before them - quality of life be damned).<br />
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just my 2 cents. best to you and your wife.

Thanks for the two cents worth. I agree that there may be reasonable explanations and that we have to work to overcome them. It is something that my wife and I continue to work on and hopefully we will find a better balance between what I want and what she wants.

trust do lose interest...............their winkies just don't get hard anymore or if they do, it stays for mere seconds.

Hi mythos52003<br />
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Omg yr wife is so thick..i was waiting for my husband to do what you did to your wife..but he just not bothered, we are in the same boat but just the opposite way.<br />
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You can always express yrself...<br />
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In other way you can always keep trying..

The scary thing is I think she felt I was joking when I told her she was going to initiate the next time. In some ways she might have gotten what she wanted if it is a completely sexless relationship.