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Is It Wrong To "count?"

First some background.  I am in what I consider an almost sexless marriage.  Like many of you, mine did not start out that way but has ended up there.  I have struggled for years to make my wife understand how important sexual intimacy is to me.  Obviously, I have done a poor job because I am on this site.   I also had an affair last year and was found out.  Now we are in marriage counseling. 

My wife believes our sex life is just fine.  She told the counselor that it was fine and then I asked her how many times we had sex, not last year, but the year before.  She didn't know and when I told her she was stunned.  Then she was angry that I counted.  I think the counselor was stunned by the low number too.  This was a year that I took her and the kids on a week long cruise.  We had the outside balcony cabin and our teenagers had an inside cabin just down the hall.  We had sex once the entire week.   I began keeping track because I thought that my feeling our sex life was going down hill was just that, a feeling.  Having the data changed my mind.

Here's the question:  Is it wrong to keep track of when you have sex with your partner?

If you believe yes, please tell me why?

Thanks.

deleted deleted 26-30 15 Responses Mar 2, 2012

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NO. I totally keep track. I put it on the calendar on my Ipod. I even used to do a commentary and describe the poor quality of it. I would also list every time I made an advance and was rejected, alsong with big fights. She found the list, however, and that caused a big fight. She deleted a lot of it. I now log all the sex in code, and gave up logging my rejected advances. I even log the duration of the intercorse so I can find out how much time a year I actually spend with d i(k in s na.t.c.h.

Counting empowers you.
I had my own counting story.
I tracked how often the wife and I engaged when I wooed her, and when I didn't.
I measured when I helped around the house and when I didn't lift a finger.

NO difference. My wooing didn't matter. The suggestions of wining and dining her were poppycock.

We did it when her hormone meter hit critical mass and not a moment sooner.
(Of course I could make her mad and make it LESS frequent, but getting MORE was a fool's errand.)

It was VERY liberating to realize that I could do NOTHING to help the situation. Constantly trying to fix a problem and determining that your actions have NO effect.... maybe some find it frustrating. I found the opposite. If trying is pointless, then do what you like.

That said, I still kiss her when I feel affectionate. Help around the house when I'm feeling good about "us." I know it won't affect our love life good or bad. I'm okay with it now. I was driving myself crazy trying to bend her biology. It wasn't going to happen.

I used to count, but stopped after 14 years. It wasn't necessarily for keeping tally, but more so if the miracle of getting pregnant occurred. We were pretty much infertile though. After I had my hysterectomy, I stopped making note of it. No need! I know in my head that the amount of times has dropped so much since then. It just adds to the sadness of being in a marriage where intimacy in whatever form has all but disappeared.

It is probably not healthy to count, but if it is easy to do so, it is probably natural. I will not wave it in her face unless she asked me. She would be 'hurt' if I did even while knowing it is a true thing. So, for me counting is something that happens because the numbers are so few.

I have been keeping track every time I had sex, been rejected and *********** for the last 7 years. Every year I get one of those pocket calendars/planners free from by bank. So sad that I know exactly how many times I had wacked off in the last seven years. If I had a dollar for every time.......

If you have a dollar for each time, you'll be fine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbSZlqKxAE4

i tried to keep track of each ************, and even periods of whacking absatinance but it go to be too much to keep track of.

Your refuser's actions point to emotional abuse and a lack of intimacy in your marriage. This affects the whole marriage and is destructive to say the least. After 13 years of nothing, I have my divorce. Reusing affects the same part of the brain as being burned does--so yes it hurts. Your wife is showing you how much she loves you-so how does it make you feel? You can go through all the reason why she is not affectionate with you--emotional--hormonal--but in the end it comes out the same way. You might want to have the "talk" after going through all the reasons why she does not want to love you. The talk is where you draw a line in the sand but you must be ready to do that actions that you have told her if she does not change. You also might want to study exit plans just in case. In a Christian marriage this is one of the reasons that divorce is allowed....Good luck to you ...

no one is entitled to act like a self centered creep in a marriage where nurturing and the relationship take first place. Marriage is suppose to be a supportive and friendly place to be---not where one person refuses to even make contact with the other person. Marriage is a place where you expect sexual contact, if not then you should just be a monk or a nun.

I think that when the count is as low as mine, it is impossible NOT to track it. I can give you the dates for every time we have had sax in the last 5 years. guess what, you won't need to take off your shoes!

I think counting is a natural reaction when you realize that you're really unhappy with the frequency of something you want and need so desperately. I've been counting since 1985. It was 31 that year. I was hysterical and we didn't even qualify for "sexless" then. I didn't know that 31 was great but 300 rejections per year didn't seem all that great. Then it got worse. In 1986 it dropped to 12 and stayed at an average of 12 per year through 1993 then it dropped to an average of 6 per year through 2003. I was angry, lonely, and frustrated. Somewhere in this period, I decided to make the counting into a game of sorts. I always had a running count of the number of days since the last sex and when it would set goals. I kept trying for sex but, when unsuccessful, I'd watch the numbers grow toward new record highs. I remember the first time it reached 100 days. For a while 137 days with no sex was the record, then 175 days, then 257 days, then when that streak was broken, the next one was 267 days with no sexual contact. If there was sex it was great but when there wasn't, I was setting a new record so I didn't care as much. <br />
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In 2002, I did find a woman who wanted what I wanted and we're still together, getting away for a morning or afternoon about once a week. For awhile I thought I needed to still beg for sex at home so things wouldn't look different and the number stayed at 6 for the first year, but eventually, I just stopped. The last two occasions of sex in this marriage were September 20, 2003 and 675 days later, on July 26, 2005. The current streak is 2,461 days. I assume that she's happy that I stopped bothering her and I'm no longer suffering from rejection.

This is my humble opinion. I add my thoughts to your post because I was in a similar place and I have come to the decision where counting how many times only leads me to negative consequences.<br />
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Do you really want to be in a negative place? A place where your mind leads you down a lonely dark path? Stop counting.<br />
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Learn to live your life in the hear and now.<br />
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Your wife needs you (although she won't admit it). But most importantly, your children need you.<br />
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And YOU need you. This is the time where you need to concentrate on you. Become a better person. Impress your friends by learning that guitar solo you always wanted to play (or whatever else you wish with all your heart to excell in).<br />
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Society puts a lot of pressure on us as individuals. Also, the stress of life plays a negative role in how much your wife desires gettin jiggy with it.<br />
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Woman desire a masculine, get down to business kind of man. While men want a feminine woman who wears dresses and lingerie and can sip a slerpy from a straw while dancing naked around a pole in the middle of the floor.<br />
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You need to lead her back to the place where IT can happen. <br />
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Ask her. Just plain ask her what you need to do to get her juices flowing. <br />
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If she doesn't give you a good answer, wait a couple days then say,"it's time to ****, that's what I want to do?" Doe's that sound good?<br />
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If her answer is no, try again in a couple days.<br />
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Just don't beat yourself up about it!

I don't think it is. but whos counting? oh wait, yeah, that would be me. <br />
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I totally understand. my sex life goes between once a month to sexless. no sex since i told my hubby i have lichen sclerosis. so typical.

as soon as he heard about it and how much it hurts during sex (less pain during missionary), but as soon as heard that, he quit it. if u asked him, he'd give you the same line he gave me during pregnancy "i just don't want to hurt you"

NO and YES..... Let me explain.<br />
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No I don't think it is wrong to count but Yes I do think it is wrong to present it as a cold fact that you are not getting enough. Her anger at the counting is a defensive response to an accusation of neglect.<br />
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Counting is the only way that you can determine if you feel you are being unreasonable. I count but I make a point of not writing down dates and looking all clinical with it. <br />
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Perhaps there are better ways to present the information you have collected without making it seem like you are saying "look see you are in the wrong".<br />
Counseling is a good idea. You do both need to be open and honest and there is obviously a need for communication and understanding.<br />
Try and make it clear to her that it is about how you feel rather than being about her not doing enough. The solution may be her doing more but that offer needs to come from her by choice.<br />
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You need to get to the bottom of the reasons why she feels such a lower interest in sex. It takes a lot of time even with counseling.<br />
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As for the cruise, the whole situation would make my wife feel pressured and become a turn off. Perhaps she feels something similar.

please don't take anything I said as a criticism. That is not what I intended. I understand what you are feeling and how frustrating it is and how lonely and rejected it can make you feel.

I wish you both luck and hope you can find some common ground.

It is not wrong to count. In fact, because I count I know that tomorrow would make it a year since I last had sex. And even then, I think it was just a 3 minute fvck. It has been years since I last made love or even kissed. <br />
So yes, please continue to count, it will help you to keep it real. Refusers have a way of making you doubt yourself.

Hey it is not wrong to count. You need to do this. I would suggest you join the group I Live in a Sexless Marriage as it is defined as people who have sex less than 10 times a year.<br />
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This group is very active and have over 25,000 members. What consequences have you given your wife as a result of her behavour. You need to present her with the bill and demand she pay the account in full.<br />
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I strongly recommend you join the site I Live In a Sexless Marriage. Read Learn & Take it all in.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Hey, I count mine. It usually doesn't get to the second set of fingers. She gets mad when I point out how little the two of us do it. Now out on her own when I am not able to keep an eye on her she does pretty good.<br />
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Maybe yours has some ****** on the side going on. That won't stop her from being mad at you for getting a little on the side yourself. Most ***** are like that.

I believe it is alright to track it, if only to make a point. I have done so in the past and used that to help express to my wife how I felt about the lack of intimacy. I then used the data to help prove my point, that we didn't have as much time together as she thought. It all started with us talking about how we each felt about the level of intimacy. After her answer of her thinking it was just fine and me saying that I wanted more we agreed to disagree. I then tracked for a calendar year. When I brought the discussion back up again and showed her the long stretches (2 to 3 months at a time) where we weren't intimate she finally saw. Fortunately she agreed to try harder. That resulted in a 3 month time period that was back to what we were doing early on in our marriage. It has since fallen off and I am back to tracking again. This time I am also tracking the number of times that I try to intiate and get turned down and if possibel why. So far we are shooting about 25% of the time being yes. All the rest are no's or no decisions until too late. This I think will help her see why I told her that I am working on my self esteem and I feel that she doesn't want me. She denies this, but I think she will start to see my point of view when I show her often she says no or simply ignores my attempts. <br />
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Good luck!!

I am in the same spot. I have now kept a log of yeses and nos; and why for the no column. I agree that it may be helpful but I am also in the same spot of a ton of grief for a short fix and back to square one. It's nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way. I could so easily cut and paste your story as my own.

Good luck mate!

I agree that it's nice to know we are not alone. It helps to keep our spirits up as a group. Regardless of what happens keep communicating and don't let this crush your spirits.