I Need To Lower My Expectations

There must be just hundreds of you that could relate. You understand your spouse has no interest in intimacy but yet you still remain hopeful.   For days and weeks at a time you try to peel away anything that remotely seems like pressure for sex. You never make overtures because the rejection you feel can be overwhelming. But you feel like you are living a lie while hiding your  true feelings.  This is the way I feel nearly every day.

I have a terrible feeling that this will never change. I find myself imagining making love to my wife and our life has renewed some passion. If only she would respond to my touch instead of pretending I'm not even in the same room.  I wonder all the time how can she not feel these same desires? It's like she doesn't know I exist anymore.

We've been to counseling and it has helped me to understand that she isn't this way on purpose. I'm not suppose to take her indifference personally. How do you not take it personally? I need to know.   We no longer talk about it because it doesn't help. It's not a problem for her.... The thought just doesn't occur to her.   But I love her enough to endure this over and over and over.
PC2629 PC2629
56-60, M
9 Responses Apr 28, 2012

I have been living like this for almost 7 years now, the sting still as fresh as the first rejection. Its hard. I try not to touch him in any way to make it less painful, but after a while, the lack of intimacy overwhelms you. It bleeds over into every part of your life. I am sorry you are going through this and I wish I could tell you that it gets better, gets easier. <br />
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I love my hubby so much, I won't leave him, but you are fooling yourself if you think it won't take an emotional toll on you. I wish you the best in coping.

it sure is lonely. :(

You just said it all in terms that mirror exactly how I feel. You should have had boxes for check marks that I could X in. yeah.. its beginning to impact all the other stuff in our relationship and not in a good way.

You hit home when you said I try not to touch at all.. but then after a while it becomes overwhelming and you make an overture. It's silly to think the reaction would be any different yet the rejection hurts just as much as the first time. and... they never have a clue they've hurt you.

I used to try to explain how badly it hurt. At first he would promise to try harder, then it went to I don't know whats wrong, to the way it is now, nothing. Nothing is ever said. He won't talk about it anymore. He just gives me the silent treatment, till I say fine, I will try not to talk about it anymore... He will be slightly more physical like hand holding or a kiss goodbye for a few days, then its back to being roommates, till I am over being "mad"...

I don't know why I even bother to keep attempting intimacy at this point, why do I keep setting myself up for a failure and rejection? ... I honestly don't know but I hope they are worth it.

I wish you the best in your situation. If anything ever works, let me know, I would love to try it.

Way to hang in there PC.....keep it up, things will hopefully change in the near future.

There's only one direction that can go... up!

Thanks for responding giving more insight. Maybe there is a time when you need to just begin a new direction even if that means calling it quits and starting over. That line is different for everyone and only you know what's best in your relationship.

I can't help but feel that if I was a better person I would not complain. Yet I do.... Is this a sign of being weak?

I don't think it makes you weak at all. It's a painful place to be.

I'll agree on a painful place to be. The worst aspect is there is no end in sight.

I gave up. I've heard that it is very unusual for a man to not be interested in intimacy, but that is my husband. But, after our marriage ended I found Viagra at our house. I had also found him talking to women on singles websites several years ago. Either he just wasn't interested in me, or he wanted to try with someone else. Either way, I ended up having an affair. I fell out of love with him due to the intimacy neglect, and emotionally abusive behaviors towards me and my kids. I understand though, having that hope still there. I wouldn't recommend an affair, that makes everything more crazy in your head. The passion I share with my lover is the way its supposed to be. I'm glad I had the affair believe it or not. I know now, how it is supposed to feel.

And you found out that you are still desirable. Finding the things on your husband points to the likelyhood that he was probably do things he should not have been doing. Glad things are better for you.

May I recommend a book? Mars on Fire, Venus on Ice by Dr. John Gray. This book answered a lot of questions for my husband and I. I am in your shoes though. My husband does not try to please me and is mechanically on auto pilot. For 7 years I tried and tried. Then my Menopause hit and things changed. I didn't understand what happened. I was the one in high pursuit most of the time and rejected. Now the shoe is on the other foot. I had some health issues and nearly died, now it wants IT all the time and I could careless. Part of that is because my needs are not met. (not saying you are doing this of course). What the book says is something that has been needing to be said for many years but is just coming forth in the medical profession. Now I have read all of John Gray's books. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. However this is the first book EVER that has addressed how our hormones and age have anything to do with our intimate lives and personal relationships as men and women. IT was insightful for me, I hope you take the time to find it. Because it addresses both men and women share in the reading, it might lead to some better understanding for both of you. GOD BLESS

Thank you so much for recommending Mars on Fire, Venus on Ice by Dr. John Gray. I'l buy it today.

It's a catch-22. You dare not pressure your mate for sex, because the pressure will only make them resist even more....but since they will not initiate, nothing will ever happen unless you are the one to initiate. There is no good answer to this dilemma. Sounds as if your mind is made up that you will stick it out anyway...so I guess you will find a way to deal with the loneliness.<br />
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You know, I used to think this was a very uncommon problem for a woman to be having, since men are supposed to want sex all the time. I have been surprised to find lots of women here that are also experiencing this.

It is exactly a 22 situation. You stated it exactly right. Because we're not like them do you wonder how or why they feel pressured?

I couldn't leave her. I am too loyal although I've thought of that many times. No... I'm here for the duration.

I know your pain, but for me I can not take anymore. Time for me to find someone who cares enough to take care of what I care about.