Time To Take Back Control

My story is just like most people's on here. I've been married for almost 10 years and haven't had a good sex life for all of them.
We've had 100's of discussions and arguments about the lack of intimacy with no change. All the arguments basically come down to the "chicken and egg" scenario. She doesn't want me because I'm not warm and there for her. I haven't given myself because there is a lack of physicality between us. I've tried rising above it and being there for her emotionally and the whole ball of wax in the past, however there hasn't been a period of time where she increased the frequency to see how I'd react. I think that should indicate to anyone who withdrew first. I know in my heart what the malfunction is, but she either doesn't care or doesn't want to make things better. When we actually do have sex, it's the "wifely duty" type that has no variety. I'd honestly rather not get any than participate in that colossal waist of time. I could go on, but I think you all get the drift.

So I've come to the conclusion that it's time to go nuclear and reclaim my sex life. I've already started this 3 part approach: 1)I'll continue to be nice and talkative and mask my displeasure. 2)I've not tried to initiate for a couple of weeks already.3) When she's getting dressed, I will continue to ignore her and focus on the tv. It's not going to be easy going forward as I've failed at this before. But there is something different this time around: My drive has lessened due to the constant rejection. At some point, she will understand the pain she has caused me and realize the damage she's done to our relationship. I don't have a time limit on this, I will go as long as I have to until she gets it, a year if need be. At some point, she will get to the point where she desperately needs it(everyone has these moments) and will have nothing but the pillow to console her. It's time for her to wonder if I've lost all interest and wonder what happened. She's had me on a string for too long and it's time to turn the tables. She's always known that she could tell me no for weeks at a time only to have me there waiting when she finally decided. No more.

I realize some may think I'm being vindictive, and to a degree they might be right. But I don't know of any other way to make her see things from my perspective. I'm trying to improve our life and marriage and have simply run out of other options. Something drastic needs to happen aside from divorce, seeing that counseling and Dr didn't work, this is my only other option. It's like cutting an arm off that's pinned under a rock.

So far, this has done wonders for me personally. I don't go to bed hoping only to get let down. I can hit the pillow and fall asleep without being angry for the first time on years. I feel better than I have in a long time because I for once feel like I reclaimed a bit of myself.

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3 Responses May 8, 2012

All married men go threw stages of resentment over sex.<br />
I am no stranger to it and have played all the same games.<br />
But when I give in or we both need the same thing I enjoy the moment. Then I reflect what an *** I am for needing the sex in the first place and the cycle starts again

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While I understand your wanting to play this game with her and give her a taste of her own medicine, be careful. This could backfire.<br />
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She may think that you honestly do not care and have no interest in her or the marriage anymore. That may just push her farther away.

Here is what I have realized from what I have read vs. my experience:<br />
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In books, online, etc. it always suggests that if guys help their wives by doing the dishes, cleaning, helping with the kids, made her dinner, and so on, that this will help put their wife in the mood because you are doing things to help her, thus she will do things to help you (i.e. sex) in return. <br />
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My experience does not agree with this. I think that while she may/should appreciate you helping her around the house and doing nice things, it isn't necessarily gonna make her wet her panties in desire for sex with you. <br />
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My husband has helped around the house - doing cleaning, vacuuming, taking care of our pet, made me dinner and while I really, truly do appreciate it, it does nothing for me sexually. It doesn't make me horny. It makes me think he is sweet and wonderful and how much I love him. But as far as making me want to jump his bones? Not so much.<br />
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If your wife did want to have sex with you from that, it would likely be because she is less stressed and tired from doing it. But not from actual sexual desire. In fact, it just seems, to me, that if she did have sex, it would be out of a sense of obligation and way to say thanks for helping *pat pat on the shoulder* type of thing.<br />
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And she may not even do it consciously. And while many women may say that they would be more likely to want to have sex if their partners did help, I'm not so quick to believe it. Because, often what we think we want isn't always what we want. A woman can think or believe that if her guy does the dishes, she will want to have sex....but it's so much more than that. What is actually turning her on? Maybe what will make her want (and really want) sex is to be shoved against the wall/ aggressive foreplay. She may not know what will turn her on.<br />
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I feel like I may be confusing....<br />
I have thought that my husband cleaning the house/being more "romantic" would make me want sex and put me in the mood. Not so much. What turned me on was him throwing me on the bed and having his way with me, being rough and taking charge. I didn't even have time to resist. lol<br />
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Do I make any sense here?