Ever Wonder What Would Have Been If You Hadn't Said "hi"?

I look back at that night on the dance floor and wonder what would have happened if I didn't ask for that number. I often ask myself what could have been if I hadn't called back after that first date, or pursued the exgf that had wanted to get back together around the time I met my wife. Where would I be? What would I be?

Life is funny that way, so many moments that could have easily went the other way but didn't. A small quick interaction turns into a life of infinite pain.So here we are, alone, miserable, roaming like the living dead. Our lives and regrets are not much different than realizing you picked the right lotto numbers, but put them in the wrong order. If only.....

I suppose I'll never know, but what I do know is that life couldn't be that much worse. Sure there are all sorts of pain that relationships can cause, but ours is silent, one that cannot be expressed to just anyone. It follows like a shadow and you cannot shake it no matter how hard you try.

deleted deleted
7 Responses May 21, 2012

I just read this one again... You are absolutely right - the pain of a sm cannot be expressed or understood by just anyone. That is why I'm so thankful for this forum.

Though my current situation is not as dire as yours seems to be, our stories are amazingly similar. I'd been dating the woman I'd eventually marry for only a month or so when an exgf called out of the blue, literally about an hour before my girlfriend was due to show up at my place for a date. The ex was asking if we could meet for a drink and talk.

I know this sounds overly dramatic, but in my gut I knew at that moment whatever answer I gave her would change the course of the rest of my life.

Well, I blew off the ex, and kept the date with the woman who is now my wife. It's been almost 20 years for me now, and I know rationally I should move on, but hardly a day goes by when I don't wonder what would have happened if I'd taken the ex up on her offer.

I guess on balance I'm content. My wife is far better person than I deserve, but we seem to be terrific roommates, rather than intimately connected spouses. The sex itself is rare, dull, and predictable. But it's the lack of real intimacy that I regret most. We can go for days and not even touch.

Who can say how things would have turned out had I chose the other path. Yet, I can't let it go.

I Think that the question is were will you be in the future. Will you stay miserable or will you try to find what you haven;t so far?

I'm 35. What you are experiencing, I believe, is state of mind and environmental factors. It's good that you're still young because it's most likely "fixable" or worst-case scenario, which you mentioned-- divorce, which isn't THAT bad because you can still be friends.<br />
<br />
There's definitely some pent-up repression of feelings going on. I'm a guy, so I don't say "Talk about it" very often.." instead I say "Think about it to yourself.." Do that. There's something missing in both parts of the relationship. It usually takes me about 2 weeks of really thinking hard about things to figure out the missing link. If you find it and fix it, things will probably be very great for all of you, especially your kids.

Like Jeff, no one in my "real" life knows about my SM either, and you described what we're going through perfectly - "silent hell." Even though I don't want to break my wedding vows, I'm mostly staying for the benefit of my three children. Lately I have been thinking about leaving later in life, when the kids are teenagers. That means I'd have to stick around another 10 years or so, but I believe that they will be just as damaged and hurt in their teens, as they would be now. I don't think I can take another 5 -10 years of unwanted celibacy - yet, I am sick over the idea of hurting the children. I wish my refusing husband would make the choice for me, by leaving us. Every thought I have is followed by guilt, especially the fantasy I have that my refusing husband dies of a heart attack while I'm still young enough to persue a more meaningful, sexually satisfying relationship. I like Baz's suggestion of taking control by counter refusing, but in my case there is literally nothing to refuse.

Hi,<br />
<br />
I read the comment you left on my post. Thank you so much for making me feel that there's a man out there that will appreciate me. <br />
<br />
I just read your story and I'm so sorry this is how things turned out for your marriage. The way you describe the silent hell resonates with all of us. For years I didn't talk about it. Then I started talking about it and found a lot of support amongst my friends. They all said to get out, but it took me 5 more years to feel I had done everything I could to fix it. Now I'm scared, but soon-to-be free.<br />
<br />
Are the next fifteen years decided for you because of children? If so, I'm even sorrier. I have a 4 yr old and I'm leaving, but as the mother and the only wage earner, I'm able to take my son with me. I really feel that a sexless marriage should look like adultery to a family court judge. It should be used against the refuser in the same way where custody is concerned. Both are breaking the marriage contract and the refused should have more leverage. Maybe this would stop women from getting married, having sex for the sole purpose of making babies and then denying their husbands.


I just hate that there is practically no one in my "real" life that I can tell, talk to about it, male or female....