Letter To My WifeSo we had another argument of this fun issue and I decide to send her an email about how I felt. I'm guessing it will fall on deaf ears, but at least she can't say I don't communicate with her.
Two nights ago, the rare event happened where she initiated. Things were going fine until our 4 year old decided to come into our room, which never happens, but of course this of all nights has to be the one he breaks the norm. So once we put him back to bed, there is no way my wife will even try to get back into the mood and continue on. She tells me that we will try again the next night, but I of course know that she's lying through her teeth and it will be at least another week before she tries again.
Last night rolls around and of course she says she has a headache at about 6. She take a nap and then says she's feeling a bit better once she woke up. I asked her how bad she's feeling about an hour later and she said the headache is still there, but it's not as bad as it was. It seemed to me from her statement that although it was still there, it wasn't debilitating. Of course we know what happened next-nothing. So I tell her how she never follows through with her promises and I'm tired of it and proceed to go to sleep. Then I get a text this morning telling me she's going to go home for the weekend because she's sick of being treated badly.
I don't know what to tell you anymore about this than what has already been said for the last ten years, but I'll try. I've told you countless times of how unhappy I am with our sex life and you do nothing but brush it off as though it's not important to our marriage. I've told you how the rejection makes me feel, how depressed it makes me to know that you do not desire me. This isn't just a physical thing, the view that sex is only physical for men is false and I don't understand why you don't believe me when I tell you that. This is something that is on my mind constantly, I'd do anything to change this dynamic. Yes I had sex with a few women before I met you, but that doesn't cheapen the experience that I have with you, it doesn't mean that it's just sex every single time we are intimate. It hurts and makes me feel dead inside to know that you are perfectly fine with not having that sort of relationship with me.
You have said that you'd be fine with never having sex again a few years ago, those words still haunt me to this day. How do you expect us to be close when there is no physical relationship? Once every 10 or more days for people our age is not healthy. But it's really not all about frequency, it's about the rejection and alienation that I feel from you whenever I do try and you role over or decide to watch tv instead.
I've tried to be warmer to you, I went for weeks where I brushed my resentment aside and tried to do the things that you've asked me to in order to fix things between us. I really did try to display the love I have for you but you never acknowledged it, instead you still acted as though I wasn't being affectionate toward you. I know life is busy and we both have things going on that are tiring, but time still has to be made for us, we both have to make an effort to fulfill the needs of each other to make the marriage work.
There is an anger that runs through me every time I think about how you were a bit more adventurous with past boyfriends than you are with me. Your toes "tingled" with Brent, yet you won't let me do the things that he did. That hurts big time and it's a bit ego bruising. To think that my wife was more sexual with another guy is devastating. You went skinny dipping with crusty ride guys, but you tell me to put on clothes last week because you didn't want to look at me naked. I realize you were younger then, and I wouldn't hold any of this against you if I didn't feel so rejected. You say that a lot of this problem comes from your childhood, that perplexes me because you had no intimacy problems when we were dating or trying to conceive. I have a hard time understanding why those issues would come to surface once we got married.
To be perfectly blunt, why can't there be more variety when we do have sex? I'm not asking for crazy things either. I just don't understand what is wrong with me that you find so repulsive. You can tell me 100 times that it's not me, but what would you think if it was you? Would you not look in the mirror and wonder what you could do to change things? I do all I can to help you out around the house with cleaning and the boys, I take you to where you want to go on the weekends and am usually up for anything you suggest to do. I don't do these things because I have to, I do them because I want to. I know I'm not perfect, I know there are things I could do better, but that shouldn't mean that we cannot have a healthy sex life. If it wasn't important, then we wouldn't be having this conversation. It just painful that I've told you so many time how this hurts me and you still don't believe me. You still act as though I'm some kind of sex-crazed animal. I know you're a good person and that if you believed my words you wouldn't want me to feel like this.
This problem we have is fixable, but you have to be open to it and have to have some understanding of how hurt I am.
I know I'm not perfect, and please don't take this letter as an assault on you or me saying that you are a bad person. I love you and want to have a life with you, you are the only one I want to be with emotionally and physically. I appreciate you so much for the things you do. Keeping up with the house work, staying home with the kids, grocery shopping, managing the money are all things that I really do appreciate-I know that's hard work. I love the fact that you are a great mother to our kids and that you care for them so much. I know you've given up a lot to make ourselves a good home and a warm environment for them. I know i'm lucky in that regard to have a wife that is active in these things. I know there are a lot of men out there that would love to have a wife that acts as a partner like you do and doesn't sit around all day. But we need to have more romance in our lives too. I do enjoy the things we do together, I like being around you no matter what you think, I look forward to the times we have to spend together when it's just us. Next Friday can't come soon enough.
I want to meet your needs as best as I can and make you happy, and I want to be happy too. I just wish you would understand that a marriage needs to have a healthy sex life. I need this because I want to be happier with you.
As can be seen from my comments, I had thought things were getting better, I was wrong. I'm giving up on the hope for a great and happy marriage because my wife is more aroused by the inside of her eyelids. I feel like a fool for having the spec of optimism that I had after writing the letter, even though I knew I'd most likely be writing an update like this. I waited a long time before updating because I wanted to be sure and I didn't want emotion to drive it. After this weekend, I have little doubt that things won't change for the better. Laying out how I felt has been ignored, she doesn't care obviously, I can take a hint.
It was our 10 year anniversary this past Friday. Like many here, I hoped the day would bring some intimacy along with it. Of course the weekend came and went with every excuse and stall to avoid sex. The best part was bringing home flowers that I was asked to return because they were "dead". I can assure anyone who reads this that was not the case.They were fine and if I could post a picture, I would. That hurt, but it wasn't the first gift she's returned from me, I guess I should be used to it by now. I should clarify she didn't return them, I did because "the flowers showed lack of effort on my part." Of course there was an argument that followed(I'm not totally beaten to where I don't stand up for myself). I only returned them to try and salvage the day. According to her, if I cared about her they would have been in better shape. I don't get it, I thought I was being thoughtful and nice by bringing them to her. I thought and hoped she'd appreciate the gesture. They were flowers, it's not like I bought her something totally different than she had asked for.
This isn't a new pattern for her, it's the reason I fear buying her gifts. I wish I could express the level of anxiety I have when her birthday and Christmas roles around. If it's not exactly what she envisioned, it obviously means the gift giver doesn't care for her as a person, she takes it as a slight. I wonder if I truly understand how much she's screwed up in the head. After I arrived home from returning them, she then tells me she feels bad and is sorry for acting that way. I'm sure she was sorry, until next time....This doesn't explain everything about our marriage, but it should provide a snapshot of the dynamic and the person I live with.
I'm losing my attraction to her, I'm finding myself wanting intimacy, but not with her. However I'm upset that she doesn't try. I've been feeling this way for a few weeks and it's only intensified with the recent events. It's a mixed bag of emotions that I'm having a hard time sorting out. I know this is very dangerous territory to be in and we might be entering the point of no return(probably were in that for awhile now) from the stories I've read here. I hate feeling this way, it's empty and cold. But I'm not going to break, there is more to my life than her and I will make sure that those things don't disappear on me like my chances for a fulfilling relationship did.
I know what my choices are, and this is not a cry for sympathy. I don't ask for anyone to feel sorry for me because no matter what, I know I have options other than staying. She's made here decision, and I will live with that. I will have to do what I need to make me happy. I will have to focus on myself and kids.
deleted 26-30 26 Responses 13 Jun 8, 2012