Post

Letter To My Wife

So we had another argument of this fun issue and I decide to send her an email about how I felt. I'm guessing it will fall on deaf ears, but at least she can't say I don't communicate with her.

Two nights ago, the rare event happened where she initiated. Things were going fine until our 4 year old decided to come into our room, which never happens, but of course this of all nights has to be the one he breaks the norm. So once we put him back to bed, there is no way my wife will even try to get back into the mood and continue on. She tells me that we will try again the next night, but I of course know that she's lying through her teeth and it will be at least another week before she tries again.

Last night rolls around and of course she says she has a headache at about 6. She take a nap and then says she's feeling a bit better once she woke up. I asked her how bad she's feeling about an hour later and she said the headache is still there, but it's not as bad as it was. It seemed to me from her statement that although it was still there, it wasn't debilitating. Of course we know what happened next-nothing. So I tell her how she never follows through with her promises and I'm tired of it and proceed to go to sleep. Then I get a text this morning telling me she's going to go home for the weekend because she's sick of being treated badly.





Dear.....

I don't know what to tell you anymore about this than what has already been said for the last ten years, but I'll try. I've told you countless times of how unhappy I am with our sex life and you do nothing but brush it off as though it's not important to our marriage. I've told you how the rejection makes me feel, how depressed it makes me to know that you do not desire me. This isn't just a physical thing, the view that sex is only physical for men is false and I don't understand why you don't believe me when I tell you that. This is something that is on my mind constantly, I'd do anything to change this dynamic. Yes I had sex with a few women before I met you, but that doesn't cheapen the experience that I have with you, it doesn't mean that it's just sex every single time we are intimate. It hurts and makes me feel dead inside to know that you are perfectly fine with not having that sort of relationship with me.

You have said that you'd be fine with never having sex again a few years ago, those words still haunt me to this day. How do you expect us to be close when there is no physical relationship? Once every 10 or more days for people our age is not healthy. But it's really not all about frequency, it's about the rejection and alienation that I feel from you whenever I do try and you role over or decide to watch tv instead.

I've tried to be warmer to you, I went for weeks where I brushed my resentment aside and tried to do the things that you've asked me to in order to fix things between us. I really did try to display the love I have for you but you never acknowledged it, instead you still acted as though I wasn't being affectionate toward you. I know life is busy and we both have things going on that are tiring, but time still has to be made for us, we both have to make an effort to fulfill the needs of each other to make the marriage work.

There is an anger that runs through me every time I think about how you were a bit more adventurous with past boyfriends than you are with me. Your toes "tingled" with Brent, yet you won't let me do the things that he did. That hurts big time and it's a bit ego bruising. To think that my wife was more sexual with another guy is devastating. You went skinny dipping with crusty ride guys, but you tell me to put on clothes last week because you didn't want to look at me naked. I realize you were younger then, and I wouldn't hold any of this against you if I didn't feel so rejected. You say that a lot of this problem comes from your childhood, that perplexes me because you had no intimacy problems when we were dating or trying to conceive. I have a hard time understanding why those issues would come to surface once we got married.

To be perfectly blunt, why can't there be more variety when we do have sex? I'm not asking for crazy things either. I just don't understand what is wrong with me that you find so repulsive. You can tell me 100 times that it's not me, but what would you think if it was you? Would you not look in the mirror and wonder what you could do to change things? I do all I can to help you out around the house with cleaning and the boys, I take you to where you want to go on the weekends and am usually up for anything you suggest to do. I don't do these things because I have to, I do them because I want to. I know I'm not perfect, I know there are things I could do better, but that shouldn't mean that we cannot have a healthy sex life. If it wasn't important, then we wouldn't be having this conversation. It just painful that I've told you so many time how this hurts me and you still don't believe me. You still act as though I'm some kind of sex-crazed animal. I know you're a good person and that if you believed my words you wouldn't want me to feel like this.

This problem we have is fixable, but you have to be open to it and have to have some understanding of how hurt I am.



I know I'm not perfect, and please don't take this letter as an assault on you or me saying that you are a bad person. I love you and want to have a life with you, you are the only one I want to be with emotionally and physically. I appreciate you so much for the things you do. Keeping up with the house work, staying home with the kids, grocery shopping, managing the money are all things that I really do appreciate-I know that's hard work. I love the fact that you are a great mother to our kids and that you care for them so much. I know you've given up a lot to make ourselves a good home and a warm environment for them. I know i'm lucky in that regard to have a wife that is active in these things. I know there are a lot of men out there that would love to have a wife that acts as a partner like you do and doesn't sit around all day. But we need to have more romance in our lives too. I do enjoy the things we do together, I like being around you no matter what you think, I look forward to the times we have to spend together when it's just us. Next Friday can't come soon enough.

I want to meet your needs as best as I can and make you happy, and I want to be happy too. I just wish you would understand that a marriage needs to have a healthy sex life. I need this because I want to be happier with you.




******Update*******

As can be seen from my comments, I had thought things were getting better, I was wrong. I'm giving up on the hope for a great and happy marriage because my wife is more aroused by the inside of her eyelids. I feel like a fool for having the spec of optimism that I had after writing the letter, even though I knew I'd most likely be writing an update like this. I waited a long time before updating because I wanted to be sure and I didn't want emotion to drive it. After this weekend, I have little doubt that things won't change for the better. Laying out how I felt has been ignored, she doesn't care obviously, I can take a hint.

It was our 10 year anniversary this past Friday. Like many here, I hoped the day would bring some intimacy along with it. Of course the weekend came and went with every excuse and stall to avoid sex. The best part was bringing home flowers that I was asked to return because they were "dead". I can assure anyone who reads this that was not the case.They were fine and if I could post a picture, I would. That hurt, but it wasn't the first gift she's returned from me, I guess I should be used to it by now. I should clarify she didn't return them, I did because "the flowers showed lack of effort on my part." Of course there was an argument that followed(I'm not totally beaten to where I don't stand up for myself). I only returned them to try and salvage the day. According to her, if I cared about her they would have been in better shape. I don't get it, I thought I was being thoughtful and nice by bringing them to her. I thought and hoped she'd appreciate the gesture. They were flowers, it's not like I bought her something totally different than she had asked for.

This isn't a new pattern for her, it's the reason I fear buying her gifts. I wish I could express the level of anxiety I have when her birthday and Christmas roles around. If it's not exactly what she envisioned, it obviously means the gift giver doesn't care for her as a person, she takes it as a slight. I wonder if I truly understand how much she's screwed up in the head. After I arrived home from returning them, she then tells me she feels bad and is sorry for acting that way. I'm sure she was sorry, until next time....This doesn't explain everything about our marriage, but it should provide a snapshot of the dynamic and the person I live with.

I'm losing my attraction to her, I'm finding myself wanting intimacy, but not with her. However I'm upset that she doesn't try. I've been feeling this way for a few weeks and it's only intensified with the recent events. It's a mixed bag of emotions that I'm having a hard time sorting out. I know this is very dangerous territory to be in and we might be entering the point of no return(probably were in that for awhile now) from the stories I've read here. I hate feeling this way, it's empty and cold. But I'm not going to break, there is more to my life than her and I will make sure that those things don't disappear on me like my chances for a fulfilling relationship did.

I know what my choices are, and this is not a cry for sympathy. I don't ask for anyone to feel sorry for me because no matter what, I know I have options other than staying. She's made here decision, and I will live with that. I will have to do what I need to make me happy. I will have to focus on myself and kids.
deleted deleted 26-30 28 Responses Jun 8, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

Maybe she just ment they were cut and she wanted a potted plant . Pretty much in the same boat . Sorry . Maybe just give her some time . The statement about not needing , i heard that one too. Fifteen years ago . Good luck !

I can't imagine living with a spouse under such conditions. I could understand couples maybe having differences regarding libido and frequency but this situation appears to be a much more serious issue.

You are still young and it's simply not fair for a spouse to hold back sex, it's not only a basic need expected to be fulfilled by a spouse but I would think that it's only normal for a spouse to want to satisfy their partner.

Apparently, your wife is unhappy with you. You can't even buy a present for her without her criticizing - another attempt to distance herself from you and your attempt to become intimate.

You both need to enter counseling to determine if this issue can be worked out to save your marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife is resistant to seeing a counselor because, deep inside she knows it's about her and not you.

At least if you write her a letter about counseling, it will show that you actively attempted to save the marriage, if later you divorce.

Hope you find a solution for a better life.

Don't feel like a fool - Just know that you've done what you can. If you move on, you'll know that there was truly nothing left to try.

I think it's amazing that you are even trying to fix the problem....I know a lot of men who would have cheated already and never gave it a 2nd thought... Crudos to you...
:-)

I wouldn't drag her X-boyfriends into it. You are married and you deserve to have a normal sexual relationship, regardless of all that's past. I recommend you join the group "I am in a Sexless Marriage" to get a clearer glimpse of where things are headed ...

My wife and I had sex exactly 5 times in the last 4 years. One every two weeks will be considered a breakthrough for us.

This makes me so sad. :(

The answer to your problem is simple either get a divorce or have an affair. Chances are things will never get better. It seems like she's no longer IN love with you because if she was, she would want to **** you; instead she is dodging you.

It's possible that like you, she could be sticking it out for the kids. Start doing want makes you happy instead of sentencing yourself to a lifetime of misery for a woman who makes no effort. Not worth it.

Wow. In my nine years of marriage, my husband has brought me flowers twice. I know there is two sides to every story, but, damn...

Angry - I'm sorry. I read your story and was very moved, and it reminded me a bit of my Valentine's Day in some ways.

Here's what I recommend, with respect to gift giving and your efforts.

I took inspiration from a lover, who, when she is feeling off, likes to wear sexy lingire around the house when she is alone, because of the way it makes HER feel about herself, irrespective of a partner.

Do your anniversary bit for YOU - not for her. As in, be the kind of lover or husband YOU want to be, regardless of her reaction. Get the gift you want, and do the things that represent you. Imagine that it's someone else in your wife's role - a generic anyone else dream girl (clearly, her own reaction is immaterial at this point). It's not supplication to wish to express your feelings, or your desireability as a man through flowers or whatever rituals you feel are authentic to you. If this marriage went kaput, would you be a guy who bought flowers on your anniversary for your lover? Do what feels right for you.

If she doesn't like it - then that's on her. And you have been who you are. Let her sit with that shame, or you can sit staring at her sadistic satisfaction -- either way, each of your perspectives is going to shift towards a different thing. And that means you are going to move towards getting the hell out of where you are now.

Angry, there's more. I pop this out sometimes and I'm sometimes confirmed later, via PM. Your wife's response. I've had some experience with affairs and behavior during. My spidey sense is going off here.

See, reflecting back the larger message - that fight about the flowers doesn't make sense. You brought flowers, as opposed to the dolt who doesn't bring his wife flowers. I can see that you make an effort and have tried "everything" as they say, but the reaction goes beyond. It's the kind of thing where she's obviously making excuses to justify TO HERSELF that she's locked you out, when you've done a nice thing. Is she comparing you to the guy who doesn't bring his wife flowers? Or is she comparing you to someone else? She feels shame after, foolish.

When my wife was having an affair, she yelled at me for dirtying pots in the kitchen - the same one's I cooked HER dinner in. Having an affair ALSO can **** with your head.

I had a buddy who got married early to a woman who was very much into an "I'm a pretty Princess model of marriage" and I have an acquaintence on facebook who seems to be adopting the same view.

It starts out as kind of an "in joke" that you are both share, and it's often a jibe shared with friends. In his case though, it signified a very real disconnect in terms of expectations of marriage. She came into the agreement expecting to be "taken care of" according to a certain level of means and ambition. I never got the sense that he was so inclined though, and as the wobble grew between them, it seemed that she really let herself go, and that he grew even less ambitious - quitting jobs, eating pizza, never returning movies to the store. And she responded to him by deliberate buying arbitrary crap. They ended up divorced.

My girlfriend, and her husband, also have an arrangement that they worked out. He is her "slave", and he must perform tasks which she will strictly judge to see if they are done to her standard and satisfaction. He might be rewarded or flogged, depending on how it goes down, but they both seem to feel rewarded and satisfied, no matter what happens. Kinky to the extreme, but I kind of like how their own service model works for them. With their roles defined, they have a clear sense of what they exchange and get out of their deal.

...Dude, I need to find myself a guy who likes to be ordered to do housework...I'd even go buy him a French maid costume.

That letter was well written..... I once tried a similar tactic... my wife and myself share an e-mail account, so one time I sent her a similar e-mail to that account (although mine definitely was not as well written)..... I was careful not to log onto the computer for four days and would only check from remote locations to see if the letter had been opened..... Unfortunately after four days of not being opened, I could not take the anticipation any more, so I asked her if she ever checked the e-mail.... When she said no... I turned on the computer opened the e-mail and read the letter to her.... At first she was very angry She slept with her head away from me and stayed to her side of the bed..... However, the next evening after she had a while to think about it, she warmed up to me and things went good for a while.... But then came the time that she asked me do you really love me or the high that comes from SEX.... I want you to love ME and not SEX..... I do not want to be your TOY..... You seem to know how this conversation goes..... So the next day I went to a Christian book stores web site, as well as AMAZONs and looked up book reviews from various Christian authors on SEX and Marriage..... I copied the parts out of the reviews that fully explained the way that I felt and e-mailed them to her...... Again several days went past I never saw that the e-mails had been opened.... So I eventually quizzed her on them.... At first she indicated that she had not read them.... However, in the course of our discussion she indicated that she does not need things like that.... That they do not describe her... and she is different.... I countered by saying that is exactly how I feel.... Well eventually after that things did get a little better, but it didn't last.... Right now i am not sure how to break the cycle..... I do not know how to break the cycle.... After reading your letter it appears that our wives are very similar, but it appears that mine does just enough to keep me around...
Thanks for posting this...... I enjoyed the wisdom that came out of it!!!!!

Been there, done that. I believe that I would have waited FOREVER for my wife to miss sex and initiate it. Thing is, she's "just not interested". So hell would have to freeze over before she would initiate.

OK, hell did freeze over - she initiated once on our anniversary and once on my birthday. But that's twice in a year, about six months apart.

You (and I) aren't teaching the wife a "lesson". She simply doesn't run on jet fuel and all my hoping just isn't going to change that.

I've focused on other things, too. It helps. But it isn't reciprocal loving.

We need the love paddles. Charging, clear, resuscitate. Repeat.

I saw your comments on my story and came to read what your story is... wow. Just. Wow. Your wife is one miserable woman. It seems there just is no pleasing her. What a horrible experience to have your thoughtful acts toward her completely rejected.

Reading this, I feel compelled to observe that your wife is a miserable...um....c word. I do not use that term lightly. But if you've not initiated divorce proceedings yet (and I am still reading your stories, so perhaps you have), you really need to go to therapy. If she won't, go by yourself. This is hideous. You deserve better. Life is way too short to spend it this way.

Get thee to a therapist. NOW. You will hopefully realize you're not stuck. You will get some peace of mind as you move forward.

Kids are the reason I stayed - why I continue to stay - but there are other reasons, too. So I understand you. But I refuse to believe in a God that wants me to be miserable. Marriage is not an unbreakable vow, dear man. It's just not.

OK. If you are catholic, you may very well be able to get an anulment. I did.

Regarding kids, don't forget that kids absorb everything about you and your wife - like sponges. Either they know you are miserable or, worse, they are viewing your relationship as normality. And guess what? You've just totally screwed THEIR ABILITY TO HAVE NORMAL RELATIONSHIPS - because they only have yours for reference. Do them a favor and pick one of these two options: 1) Read and follow "His Needs, Her Needs" - an excellent repair manual for marriages or 2) get out.

That is a really good response. The role model for kids thing is a compelling argument.

This just dawned on me recently (after ten years of LIASM!), after my kids started dating. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we've been their role models for relationships. I hope I'm not deceiving myself - I pray that they have figured out how to have a normal relationship - through their dates! I'm watching this very closely and a truly hope they have a chance at a normal life.

This really tears at me.

1 More Response

I;m so sorry, she has serious issues though.<br />
after mothers day passed, my H picked a daisy from the yard and told my daughter to give it to mommy, i put it in a tiny glass vase for 2 weeks, of course it dyed the same night, but i still gave it water every day because it made me smile every time I looked at it.

I have tears streaming down my face reading this - so much of this could have been written by me for my husband...I have spent years being made to feel like a ***** for wanting to have an intimate relationship with my husband again.

Absolutely - couldn't agree more! I dare say I am so tired of being bitter about this, I wonder if I am really doing my kids a favour staying in a relationship like this - clearly they pick up how irritable I have become. It is such a fine line, but it becomes all consuming - and at 36 I really wonder if this is what I want to choose...a life of wishing my husband would want to be intimate with me...

I understand you're feelings and frustration. I've been married 9 years and that seems to be the story for us from the moment we said "I do" he's not been interested anymore. I'm tired of not feeling desirable.

Hi. I'm new to EP and just sort of surfing around and answering posts that interest me.<br />
I wanted to give you my point of view, because I think I am very likely quite similar to your wife. <br />
I have been married to my husband for 19 years. When we first got together we had sex pretty much anytime we were together. We got married and had no problems. We planned to start a family and I got pregnant right away. Even with almost constant sickness while I was pregnant, we still had sex. Then, our son was born. After the healing time was over, my husband couldn't wait to start having sex again. I nursed the baby, and I don't know if that had an effect or not. Anyway, I just wasn't interested. I still "gave in" every now and then; and we got pregnant again when my son was 9-months-old.<br />
After my daughter was born and I had two kids, 18 months apart, I definitely wasn't interested. I felt like I would never miss it if I never had sex again. We did do it once in a while, though and conceived again! (I honestly don't remember if I had gone off the pill, or what was going on that we weren't using BC.) I spent the next years as a stay-home mom. I loved it, mostly; but I had no libido at all.<br />
Fast forward to today.<br />
My husband and I have had the tearful pillow-talk that it sounds like you have had. I can't speak for your wife, but I'll speak as a wife in this position.<br />
Let me assure you, I don't know what's "wrong" either. I have asked 3 different doctors and they all tell me "I hear this pretty often" or "that seems to be pretty normal". Meanwhile, we look at the media and our hurt husbands and they are telling us it isn't normal.<br />
I don't know how to fix it. I am often confused when men talk about their "need" to have sex. I don't understand what to do about it. If my "need" is to NOT have it, then what do we do? My husband has also been convinced that I must "be getting it somewhere", because he can't fathom someone "never" wanting it. But I don't. <br />
When I "give in", I feel like I'm being raped. <br />
Also, as the woman in this position, I have searched for answers on many nights, on the internet. The overwhelming information indicates that if you don't want sex often, you must have been sexually abused or molested. I wasn't. <br />
It sucks feeling like there's "something wrong with you". <br />
I feel bad for you; but I feel bad for her too. Maybe you can go with her to the doctor and have her talk to the doctor about how she would be ok with never having sex again. Maybe he WON'T say it's normal; but that's what my doctors told me....AND it's what all of my married friends report.<br />
<br />
Sorry I wrote another book!<br />
Halo

Wow...I'm speed-reading this because...well, to be honest, I have no idea what website I've off-shooted from! Duty sex? Are you sure? God, that sounds absolutely horrendous. How are you EVER going to make that work?

"Duty sex? Are you sure? God, that sounds absolutely horrendous."
It was in my case, but my ex is *special*. No, not short-bus special.
Very smart with everything that's not a human being, clueless about other humans...and refused not just sex, but also to take her head out of her bum.
Chronic Rectocranial Insertion does appear to be a condition common to intimacy-averse spouses... ;p

maybe you both need a break from each other see how that goes.maybe for good its sounds like its not there anymore for her .and you need to move on.

My husband has no desire to be with me. He told me my 30 lb weight gain turns him off. He now for the last several years he claimed to be impotent. I sympathized with him until I received a letter from a mutual friend wanting me to help her break it off with him ... So here I am with egg on my face for the last 15 years...good luck to you but don't let it go for 15 years.. I now have a love/hate relationship that borders more on hate...

Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to stay positive... I joined the gym to get back in shape and I have to laugh to myself about how he can fix his balding head...he hasn't held any job in the last 12 years, I've been the sole provider and now when I ask him to leave he's upset because he has no job, car, or anyplace to go except the street... So he's desperately pleading for a chance to try and fall back in love with me!!! I guess if I was him I'd ask for the same thing. Only problem now is I can't love him back right now and may never.

After a couple weeks of thinking about all of this I've come to the conclusion that it's all up to me. He really has no say in my decision... He tried to make love to me a couple nights ago and it was just intercourse! No feelings whatsoever except resentment on my part! It took wanting a divorce for him to force himself to have "intercourse " and it was all fake! His feelings were fake! I can't love this man anymore and I know now that I don't want to. Now I just want to handle a divorce simply without a lot of collateral damage.

I have to give you credit -- you are being honest and addressing the problem head on. I assume you are not betraying your wife -- there is no mention of another love interest.<br />
<br />
If things don't change, then you may need to consider divorce, if sex is that important to you.<br />
<br />
Are you sure she isn't stepping out on you? Decreased appetite can oftentimes be a sign of an affair. Before going through with the above I would hire a private investigator to rule out misbehavior on her part. It is well worth the investment.

Been married for almost 25 years, and sexless for 3 plus years. Love my wife, want my wife yet I have come to conclusion that it just won't happen. So I've reached a point, a major crossroad in life. I'm in my late 40's and the decision is to stay on the road more traveled, stay in the marriage because I really do love my wife and am devoted or to end the relationship, our kids are grown, and try to find a relationship that fits with me. See, I view it not as her problem, but this is who I am. I need the sexual intimacy and for several reasons she just can't provide it or won't provide it in any way. I'm tired of the hand. So I feel for you, I think it is a hard thing to see a marriage end, but that is what is happening to you and to me. The hardest part is making that cut, the decision that it is over. There are no guarantees out there, and there just may be no one for me at my age and weight (yep, somewhat over weight but still am active). I will say up front that if I could find someone who would, and I always thought I would end the relationship before I began a new one, but now, if I found someone who would make love to me, or to be blunt have a sexual relationship I'd hop into the sack in a minute. I need that emotional bonding, that intimacy with another person that I don't have. Women who read this need to realize that yes, sex keeps your man to you but not because of sex, but because of intimacy. Good luck in your email, I bet nothing changes because she doesn't want to change and you can't change her. She has to want to change. If not, you face the decision I am facing, can I live like this for 20 to 30 more years? Is this what I want from life? Am I willing to gamble again on a chance for happiness? Can I trust again and really open up to a woman? I think in many ways, it is like grieving after some one dies. Until we accept the reality of what has happen, realizing we can't change the situation, we can't find that inner peace. Good luck.

I've been married for 9 years and I have empathy for you. The problem is that you dont want fake sexual interest. Do you?

Have you considered that you might not be taking the lead as she expect you to?

I am telling you I believe this is exactly the case that dr. David schanrch talks about. Emotional gridlock, differentiation, etc. this is very complex problem but solvable through a lot of maturity. (i have not solved it because I need my spouse to join and she does not see a problem)
Read the reviews of the book "Passionate Marriage" in amazon. I bought the audiobooks and a number of lectures by dr. Schnarch, he is highly acclaimed in therapyst circles. There was a special in 60 minutes or dateline a few years ago.
If you truly want to resolve this issue in your marriage, you have to go through what he describes.
You have two options
Option A. Go through the pain of not resolving your problem
Option B. Go through the pain of resolving your problem

I am telling you I believe this is exactly the case that dr. David schanrch talks about. Emotional gridlock, differentiation, etc. this is very complex problem but solvable through a lot of maturity. (i have not solved it because I need my spouse to join and she does not see a problem) Read the reviews of the book "Passionate Marriage" in amazon. I bought the audiobooks and a number of lectures by dr. Schnarch, he is highly acclaimed in therapyst circles. There was a special in 60 minutes or dateline a few years ago. If you truly want to resolve this issue in your marriage, you have to go through what he describes. You have two options
Option A. Go through the pain of not resolving your problem
Option B. Go through the pain of resolving your problem

Well. I know it in great detail. But im still in a similar hole as you are.
:(

You say that you know she enjoys it when you are into it. How do you know? I'm sure my husband thinks the same thing. I do all the right things to "be into it" during sex. The truth is I hate it. But how would I ever tell him that? I am so glad when it's over. I will post more to your original post in a reply.

2 More Responses

If you want a really REALLY GOOD aproach to this issue of sexual fulfillment in marriage. Research something called "the crucible approach" by dr. David Schnarch. <br />
<br />
I have studied that approach. It took me a lot of reading and listening to really understand what he talks about but. What this doctor talks about oppened my eyes and if executed and implemented, will make any couple trully sexually fulfilled. <br />
<br />
Angryguy, please look for it... It can save your marriage.<br />
<br />
Right now you are on a mission to change your wife's behavior. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

Is this book relevant for a woman who is being refused by her husband?

Absolutely yes. In every relationship there is a spouse with higher desire than the other.
Your situation might be different. If you want to message me with specifics i could give you some specific advice.

I liked the book "his need her needs" - I have come to think control is a key component of our issue- by letting go in bed- she relinquishes control. She does not have the mind set to be the driver of our time in bed- so she only sees relinquishing (my babble mind you) and she is not one to relinquish control of anything.<br />
<br />
I could be a sub - hell anything is better than this LOL

That is a good book (his need her needs)to help a woman understand that sexual fulfillment is as much of a need to a man as protection is to a woman.
No one judges a woman for needing protection, or conversation, or needing to feel "precious"
But we men are judged and we become isolated for having a need of sexual fulfillment.
This is very wrong.

If she went to bed with Tom Brady, would she relinquish control???

That sucks ! I really hope everything gets better between the two of you !

well said brother!

What a wonderfully honest letter. Good for you to put it all out there.<br />
Question: have either of you considered getting a babysitter and having a date night once a week?<br />
<br />
Also, if she doesn't want to fix it, then it won't matter what you do. <br />
It even sounds like she may not appreciate you. She sure doesn't seem to care about or respect your feelings.

I feel your pain- I have sent emails and texts to my husband, a good portion have never been mentioned by him, I don't know if he received them much less read them. At least one thing is different- he doesn't sleep in the bedroom with me and hasn't for 4 years. <br />
<br />
How does someone "love" someone but makes choices that they know will hurt them? I have refused to do things with him, the only time we do things together is with the family. I wish they could tell us in plain english why they do what they do. I think we are honest and clear with them- we want an intimate relationship- not roommates.

Feel for you - I tried a similar l email and I got yelled at for sending it to her at work because she cried. She said the email was "scary."<br />
<br />
and that was it - <br />
<br />
It is so hard to find your wife humming happily in the morning making waffles (she loves me you know) after two weeks of sneaking off to bed alone. "Would you like a waffle?" -- "NO" - and of course she happy as a Lark wondering "why is he angry? That man is volatile - he has anger issues"<br />
<br />
Now the truth gets hard for me -- I am no fun to be around a lot of the time - who wants to feel close to a caged Tiger? - viscous circle, I never give enough and each time I fall back I get angrier. Now I despise the touch of my spouse - as the touch just sets up the pain to follow. I am weak - a little touch and I feel the glimmer of seeing here as a sensual or sexual being in my life. And she is - just enough to hook and then the "not tonight" cycle begins anew.<br />
<br />
"You need sex more than I do" -- she says, "How lucky for you" say I.<br />
<br />
Happy Friday. Just like valentines day is now-- just another day-