At A CrossroadI applaud everyone for sharing their stories here. I know it takes courage to do so. This is uncomfortable to share, but maybe it will be cathartic for me.
This story has been several years in the making and it’s not a situation that I ever thought I would be in, but I’m sure everyone else feels the same. I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend. He thought we would be the perfect match. He’s 10 years older than me and I said, “he’s too old for me” and he said, “she’s too young for me.” We ended up becoming good friends. After a few years, something just clicked for us both and we fell in love. The first time we made love, he seemed very uncomfortable. I thought it was just that we had been friends for so long and it was difficult for him to see me as something more than just a friend. I didn’t think much of it. As time went on, he always still seemed uncomfortable. I would always have to initiate sex with him, he never did. He never refused; he just always left it up to me as to the when. Within the last 3 years of our marriage, the instances of lovemaking have dwindled down to a few times a year. I just became so tired of initiating sex all the time. He was never enthusiastic and he started to make an excuse as to why he couldn’t that it ended up hurting me more and more, so I all but gave up. I had conversation after conversation with him, trying to figure things out. He would never give me a good answer it was always excuses, but I knew there was something deep down that he wasn’t telling me. I suggested therapy, but he went a few times and never went back. I asked him to go to the doctor to see if there was something medically wrong, but he refused to do that. Sometimes he would tell me that I wanted sex too much and other times he would tell me he was sorry that he would try to do better. I blamed myself and spent a lot of time crying and wondering why he didn’t want to be intimate with me. It never occurred to me that there were men out there that didn’t enjoy sex. I would push it out of my mind and tried to think of all the good things about our marriage, but without the intimacy, it doesn’t feel like anything more than a friendship.
Several days ago, I initiated sex. He led me up to the bedroom and we began kissing. Right from the start I could tell that he was just doing this to appease me and nothing more. I told him, it was fine that he could stop and I just lay down in the bed. The next day, we discussed what happened. I expressed to him that I would rather not have sex most of the time, but prefer to take care of myself because it was obvious that he wanted to just get it over with. I told him it really hurt me and I didn't know what else to say or do to make things better. He broke down and I finally got the truth out of him. He said that sex just feels so dirty to him, which given his religious upbringing, it all became clear. What keeps going through my mind now, is, “how do I fix this?” and “can it be fixed?” Since his constant refusal, I’ve felt like my heart keeps closing more and more to him because the rejection has hurt more and more. I’ve tried to play the good wife role the best that I could, but it has started to feel like I’ve fallen more and more out of love with him. I want to feel that deep emotion that I did when we first got married, I just need to figure out how.