25, Alone And Married.

I’ve been perusing these support forums all over the web for the past few months. Looking for answers, looking for advice, trying to make sure it wasn’t just me out there experiencing this. Needless to say, I’m hardly alone, though it certainly feels that way.
I’m actually a newlywed, so this is even more perplexing for me. I met my husband almost three years ago, and the last year of our relationship has been full of changes (getting married, getting pregnant, abolishing sex).
I’ve spent the last year trying to talk to him about our sex life, it hasn’t helped…so maybe it’s time I start talking to someone else.
First off, let me say, I have an incredibly high sex drive. I could very easily have sex more than seven times a week. I do NOT expect my husband to be on the same page with that, many people aren’t. However, my husband is perfectly fine and content to have sex on average about 2-4 times a month.
So, no, I guess my marriage isn’t sexless…but it is damn sure close. I’ve perfected the art of ************, but no one can perfect the emotions that come along with it. Sure, I can bring myself pleasure multiple times a day rather quickly, but I can’t stop the torrent of emotions that follow a majority of the self-mack sessions. I’m sure many of you understand; it’s like you feel intense relief followed by the most profound solitude you could possibly imagine.
Anyway, I’m not terribly sure how we got to this place. I don’t understand what happened. Nearly every other aspect of our relationship is satisfactory. We cuddle every day; we take care of one another. We just don’t have sex or make love.
When we first met, our sex life was phenomenal. It was adventurous and fun. Then, we spent a year apart while he was deployed. During his deployment, on R&R I noticed how “vanilla” our sex life became. When I tried to talk to him about having more adventurous sex he became angry with me. He spit words at me like, “I’m sorry I’m not as much as a freak as you are” and so on and so on. We made up, obviously, and he went back to the desert. I didn’t understand, because we maintained a physical relationship via webcam that was extremely adventurous. Anyway, after the deployment was over and he was finally back for good…everything became different.
The sex was waning right from the get go, and I had traveled 4000 miles at his request to live with him. I was devastated. Then he proposed, and this temporarily blinded me to the issue. Eventually, we started discussing/arguing about the sex at least once a month. Of course, as one might expect, this only made the issue worse. I was constantly, somewhat pathetically, throwing myself at him. After being shot down so many times, I stopped trying to seduce him. This bothered him to no end.
I discovered he had been flirting with other women, to a point that is offensive and dishonest. This caused a very large break in our relationship, and a lot of trust was lost. However, making up from this issue temporarily hosted a desirable increase in our love-making! So, I was in heaven again, feeling like he wanted me.
After six months of this nonsense, we got married. There was no sex on our wedding night. Surprise, surprise. We wanted to start a family, and he really seemed to be working on it. I am so desperately in love with him, I thought making it better for ONE week was real work. We married in December, and after two attempts, became pregnant with our son in Feb. I’m six months pregnant now, and for the past six months there has been no saving our sex life.
I’m more hormonal now (even more horny), so it hurts twice as much. I’ve stopped turning to him, my cries are met with anger and my pain is ignored. He becomes so defensive that he doesn’t see the pain I’m really going through. I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life. Sometimes, I still make a very weak attempt to seduce him, such as running my hands across his privates, but he always bats my hand away. I don’t know how much longer I’m supposed to hold on to someone who doesn’t try to fix this kind of brokenness.
The truth is, I’m still desperately in love with my husband, and there are SO MANY redeeming attributes which have kept me here beside him this long. I’m breaking inside though, and I’m not sure how long those other great qualities can save us. I have sex dreams almost every night, and I take care of myself everyday…it’s so lonely. I fantasize about cheating on him, and then feel super guilty for it. I just need help. I need to know how I keep the man I love, and I get the sex life I want.
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8 Responses Aug 22, 2012

I know exactly what you mean. I'm going through the same emotions. It seems in time we totally got out of sync, and I don't know where it went wrong.
I'm trying to find out how I can adapt, or understand her.
She tells me I'm handling things wrong, but she will not tell me how to do things right.
It's extremely frustrating, wanting to make love to the one person you care about, and being rejected and ignored.
She gives me the feeling of being a freak, for wanting her all the time, craving to feel her, touch her,......

You're not really supposed to have sex when you're pregnant... Only for birth.

It's not going to get better. I love my husband too and we have a fantastic relationship in every way: holding, cuddling, trust, mutual respect, humor. But no sex. I met him when I was 22 and sex was great for about 6 months. I'm 48 now and after years of being in and out of therapy and periods of silent misery, I now know it's either give up sex for life and stay with this person who I love so much or walk away. I don't want to walk away, but man, when the hormones kick in I feel so sad...

Wow. Yours is perhaps the worst case I've read and I've been here a while now.

He's actually MEAN about it! Pissed you don't volunteer to be rejected over and over? That's kind of sadistic.

The other women thing makes me think the Coolidge Effect is going on. Might he have any interest in "fixing" the problem if he understood it's his body sabotaging his marriage?
Perhaps he's up to engage in some mind over matter?

The military thing adds a whole dimension to your situation though. Who knows what demons are swirling around in his brain along with the confusion of this marriage that I suspect he values highly, but doesn't know exactly how and why. (No insult intended. Nearly sexless marriages often just don't make much sense, inside one or out.)

honey even though he is distant with u about sex it is u who needs to seek councelling and or medication for ur excessive libido....i am the male equivalent of u and i need to ********** daily and my wife of many years has not touched me for years...if i was ur age i would practise what i preach.....i am 65 years of age and really can only remember the great sexy times we had all those years ago....

You are lucky to get 3-4 times a month.Try going over two years without.That's my life.I got use to it because he said he had ed and i just thought he didn't have any desire,unstill i discovered he had been looking at lots of hard cord **** and had women sending him naked pictures and he also was flirting and on top of that he was texting women for sex from casual relationships on cragslist.To top that off he was texting and calling a old high school class mate,trying to hook up with her.She told me that he told her we was separated and as soon as she founded out we was not,she distant herself from him because she said she told him she was not trying to get involved with a married man.One of the decent ones.I saw a text he texted her that he still luv her and he missed her.And had the nerves to tell me,there's different kinds of love.I asked him if i looked like a fool to him.He said he was drunk when he said that to her.Then on top of that he don't want me to go anywhere.Still show no sexual interest in me at all.He tryed once a month ago but couldn't keep a hard on.I wish i hadn't let him put his hands on me.Was the worst sex ever.GOOD LUCK!

Omg, You def leave him

deeaskew if I were you I would've left him a week ago.

Interesting and realistic link about average frequency:<br />

Standard would be twice a week. Show him this table - it proves that 2-3 times a month would be OK for a 60-year old man :)

That is B.S. two or three times a week might be ok. but 2
or 3 a month...B.S. at any age past 15 or so.

Maybe he's too busy with his work - try to make up for it during weekends...<br />
Anyway, 2-4 times a month seem pretty good. I wish I could make love with my wife so often.

It's not about hair color or what you wear, I guess.
What would he do if you just pulled him gently to your bedroom and started undressing him and yourself?

Maybe he has low self esteem. He feels ugly, or fat, or he's afraid to 'perform' badly. Is he self-confident, if I may ask?

Anyway people have different levels of sex drive, and yours is unusually high for a woman, and his is unusually low for a man.
If you really love him and if this difference is really a problem for you, talk to him very clearly about this topic - if he loves you, he'll listen to you and try to solve the problem, as soon as he understands it is a problem.

He looks like a perfectionist. That can be his problem.

Do you involve him when you **********? Maybe at some point you may ask him for 'help' :)
Do you feel loved and desired when you cuddle with him? Maybe for him this is the best way to express his love for you.

I'm just guessing, because in your story the typical male and female roles are swapped and it's difficult for me to understand.

Maybe if you involve him he might understand how important it is for you. He may just watch or get more involved. You cannot hide a part of you from him like that, otherwise he will not understand you completely.

Omg, I read every single word of ur story and am blank . My husband passed away 13 years ago and I have zero sex life. I mas*****te every day twice or sometimes nothing for week or so , its killing to be so lonely but I m sure its so much more painful to be in a company n lonely. My heart goes out for u. I think u should start ignoring him totally. Show him with ur attitude that u don't need him to make love to u or even touch u. Most man hate rejection n bounce bk

One more thing when u ma*****ate he should know u r doing it, n that u r happy ( even if u r not) and content. And his sex is not important to u anymore.

You don't have to make him feel like you don't want him.
You only need to make him understand he's hurting you, the person he loves.
If he really loves you, he doesn't want to hurt you.

Iceheartblues,You my DEAR are far to young to be alone with only your toys to fulfill your longings. Please consider going out ,have some fun, and enjoy life while you can....

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