Things It Took Me A While To Figure OutThe overwhelming negativity of the posts in experiences like this one is the reason why I have not read or posted much here recently. Two key reasons for that is that I don't need to be more depressed about my situation than I already am, and also my wife is not as evil as most of the refusers referenced herein.
As a matter of fact, my wife is not evil at all. She just has no interest in sex. She almost never initiates (once a year maybe), she never brings up the subject of sex in conversation, and she never offers any kind of non-sexual physical affection without me asking for it. The only time she is interested in sex is in the early morning, and only then if her hormones are right for it. Unfortunately that means it has to be a quickie and happens maybe once a month. By the time I get home from work or whatever else I am doing she is too physically tired or distracted by some project or TV show to be interested. If I bring up the subject of sex, at best she will roll her eyes and sigh as if to say "not this again" before responding. Every few months we have a conversation that goes something like this: (and this is me paraprhasing)
Me: I wish you desired me
Her: I find you very desireable
Me: Thats hard for me to believe because you don't like sex
Her: What? thats absurd, why do you say that? We only dont have sex because you never ask.
Me: You told me yourself that you "never think about it." People generaly think about the things that they like.
Her: I never said that
Me: Yes you did, I remember it clearly. Whever I bring it up you seem frustated like you are thinking "not THIS again"
Her: We seem to keep having this same conversation. You have just made it up in your head that I don't like sex so you dont ask. I do think about sex, its just that you are never around when I do. And when you are, you don't ask, so it makes me think you dont want it.
Me: So what you are saying is that the reason we dont have sex is that I don't ask you?
Me: So you are saying that its my responsiblity to initiate all the time?
Her: No, thats not what I said.
So who do you think won this argument? There was no clear winner, and no action points were made. The take-away for me is that our paultry sex life is all my fault. That she does desire me but I "refuse to see it". (That, and she has significant health issues that make her unavailable for sex much of the time.) The infrence, then, is that she has done all she can and its all up to me.
I keep thinking about the times when we actually do have sex, and how "into it" she seems when we are actualy in the act, and then the rest of the time where she acts like its the last thing on her mind--it seems in a way as if she is two different women. Then it occured to me ... the meaning that has been eluding me all this time: She desires me only so long as she feels like I am pursuing her. When she feels I am not pursuing her, she has no deisre. She, and a lot of marriage bloggers, see this as normal for a woman. That women who actually puruse sex with their spouses are somehow not normal, or an internet myth perpuated by people who spend too much time looking at ****.
So my connundrum is that I need to puruse her more, but its really really hard to get myself into a fr
I gotta say that its really hard to believe that she desires me when she tells me she does, and yet does not act on it. Am I wrong to want her to pursue sex with me? How about wanting her to just come up to me in the living room and sit on my lap while giving me little kisses for no other reason but that she thinks im a cool guy? (that has never happened in the 8 years we have been married) And if I am not wrong, what good does it do me?
My wife in not evil. She is a good person and loved by everyone I know. I do love her and respect her, and I have no desire to get divorced, but at the same time my desire to pursue her has pretty much gone away. Mean time my sexual desire has not gone away. And that whole situation just makes me sad.
LostInTheWoulds 46-50, M 11 Responses 3 Dec 6, 2012