In Despair

20 years ago in the early 1990s, I and this guy met in college, were introduced to each other, but we never talked, ever. They said (his friends) he liked me and I like him. I gave him a gift (a shirt) at christmas.

He went abroad and I was left behind. He wrote me letters, but time passed by, a suitor whom I am dating said, that if I like him, I should choose to continue writing letters or stop.

I got married with the suitor and had children at a very young age.

Then we met again in friendster, then in facebook and continued to communicate. No strings nor emotional attachment yet.

However, I had the chance to go abroad (America) in 2011 and we met. He confessed that he liked me way back in college and he still has my letters and my gift after all these years. He showed me a photo of us together, although we haven't really talked that time. He said he's got a girlfriend now.

I also confessed that I liked him way back that was why I gave him the gift.

While we were together, we didn’t talk much either, again. We were just enjoying each other's company cuz we were with some colleagues and I just asked him to drive us around which he kindly complied.

During those 2 days together, we hugged, cuz I asked him to... I don’t know, but I just wanted to hug him tight maybe because I was so grateful and overwhelmingly happy to have met him again, after all these years, it was like so unbelievable to see him again because we are worlds apart. I am from Asia.

Literally, when the sun shines here, the moon gleams in his place.

So, it was overwhelming for me to see him again. For me, it was a miracle.

I came back home and I just could not understand, but I missed him sooooo much, I cried a lot, cuz I thought I'd never see him again. We continued to communicate through facebook and even skype and talk about everything, anything under the sun. He, sometimes sing for me...

And he said that he wanted to kiss me in real life. I teased him saying that why didn’t he kiss me while we were together?... and all these stuff.

So he said, if I will have a chance to go back to America, he surely will. Then of course, my emotion for him is being stirred up (leveled up) and I also have the longing to see him again.

In January of 2012, I had the chance to go back but at another state and we didn’t meet. So it was like, he was so near but yet sooo far.

Miracle of all miracles, I had a chance to go back to America in December 2012 for a work assignment for only a few days.

Well, the impossible happened again. We met. This time, I had a few days spared for him, which became only a few moments because of some meeting appointments with family and some friends, too.

But the few moments we were together were just so tremendously memorable. We were like two lost lovers (well, for me). We have planned to go to some places but we were not able to because of pre planned getaways with family.

So we just took advantage of the few moments we have. Instead of me getting a hotel, I spent the nights at his place. The first night, nothing physical happened. I guess, we were keeping so much of our emotions from each other (I mean, I’m talking of myself).

It will take me forever to write all the details here. A lot of twists and turns happened in between these. I hope I can relate it at another post.

But the second night with him were so few because he had to go to work. But during those moments, we kissed and hugged, just looked at each others’ eyes and giggled and cuddled a lot like crazy teenagers (haha). But it was so short he had to go to work.

The next day, I have to go back home (Asia). With only a few hours left before going to the airport, we cuddled and kissed, looked at each other’s eyes, oh, how much I adored him. I said I loved him and I cherish our moments together. He wanted to physically explore, but I covered up myself, with layers of clothing. I was so afraid of getting physically intimate with him.

We hugged like I never want to let go. I can hear his heart beat, I can feel an agony inside him.

He said he loved me back, and still like me and that’s what matters.

That was a painful goodbye. For me, the moments with him were sweet and beautiful. Saying goodbye was the most excruciating part.

The first month after the parting, we couldn’t get enough of each other. We texted a lot, 24 hrs a day. I told him everything that I feel for him. I told him that I’m going to miss him forever and that I will love him forever, as well. I told him how I missed him sooo much I wish he’s the one beside me.

I told him that if I were to choose, Id rather be with him. I told him everything with no holds barred.

Honestly, I can see his face when I make love with my husband. I cried silent tears.

He always gives me xoxoxo’s…hahha a lot of them and he said, he can still see me there, and wants me back and he said he miss me too.

Then my husband noticed.

I and my husband have issues years with other women although he treats me like a queen at home. I don’t have any complaints with that, except for the women.

Then of course, I relate everything that happens in my life with the other man. Then slowly, he drifted away from me, little by little, I begged for him not to dis appear. He didn’t, he’s still here, in my friend’s list, but not the same anymore.

I can’t take him off my heart and my thoughts. I think of him as I wake up and before I lay me down to bed at night.

The indifference is so excruciating, I feel like I’m gonna die. I think it’s so unfair for him to do this to me. I feel rejected and embarrassed for everything that I have said and done. But I don’t regret everything that happened.

I am sending him messages, but the answers are obviously not the same anymore. How I wish he could just have told me that everything’s not going to work out for both of us and not just dropping me like a glass, shattered on the floor.

Sometimes I wish, I shouldn’t have met him or even knew him. I cry myself to sleep, I wish I’d drown in the shower.

I still miss him but he isn’t interested anymore. I wish he could just tell me, how he feels, what he thinks and I wish I’ll see him again. But all of these are now wishful thinking and it hurts so much. How could he just fade away?

Well, there may be something in between that made him back off. I will forever understand, although it will hurt.

If you would ask me, I will cherish him forever. I will love him forever. I will keep the memories. Yes, sometimes, beautiful things never last.

I tried not to text him for a few days, but it took me a lot of courage to stop myself sending him a message.

Yesterday, I prayed to God to give me a sign if its OK to send him a message.

So I prayed that if I am going to see these 2 very unusual things upon going out of work, I will take it as a go signal.

Lo and behold, at lunch time, I had the two things right before my eyes. But, still, I did not give him a message. In the afternoon, still, very unusual of all, the two things were still there. So, I followed my heart.

I sent him a message with the photos saying, ‘I saw these and I remember you.’ And he replied, “aah”.

That was the most embarrassing moment of my life!

I am struggling right now, trying to see the good in my life. Many women envy me because they say, I have everything a woman wants to have. A wonderful husband who treats me like a queen, beautiful, talented and intelligent children, a budding career and a very comfortable home.

What they don’t know is that, deep inside I am in a profound mess. I don’t know why I am so much crazy about this other man, and if I can, I’ll fight for him. But now, he’s drifted away.

Thank you for reading this long story. Please advise.
toskalou toskalou
36-40, F
2 Responses Feb 21, 2013

What a touching story. I , too, know what its like. There is something there between you and the person you love. Never quite spoken but, like the salt in the sea, and the air that you breathe- you just know its there. There is no doubt. ,,It would be wrong for one person, like me , to advise you. All I can say , to you , and with all respect, is that, what the heart wants, it wants. And there is NO force more powerful.... Love is the greatest sacrifice, the greatest yearning, and it can be the greatest hurt.

Yes I know the feelings. Myself is going through this pain, which is unbearable when everything's so against our will. I'm just not strong enough to leave and be with her. The longings never stops. Everything you see or any songs you heard reminds of that special person.

So true. The longing seems to never stop. Im even wondering when it will ever stop.

Its so much harder to try not to miss that special someone.

Even worse when you know its not right to feel that way.