It started a month after we met. I honestly can't even remember what provoked the attack but he was angry and ignored me for the entire day. We'd moved quickly in our relationship and I had moved in with him, never having lived with another person (aside from my parents). He told me he wanted me to leave. But then, as I started packing some things to take with me he was curled in a ball on the floor, sobbing, apologizing, saying he was a "terrible person." I didn't know what to do. I consoled him and stayed.

Without fail, every month or so, we'd go through another of these "episodes." Often they seemed to be triggered by minor slights on my part. If I'd had a bad day or felt a little sad he would lash out, yelling at me, talking over me, refusing to hear what I was saying. Multiple times I had to find refuge at my parents' house and, following the yelling would come the "silent treatment" followed by begging me to come back. And I did. Over and over again.

Finally, after being told that I couldn't ask a favor unless I "worked on the house all day, every day, including weekends, no sick days" I found an apartment and moved in shortly after. He began seeing a counselor, and I had hopes that we could turn our relationship around. But the abuse continued.

Most recently, on the anniversary of the night I was raped, he became angry that I had felt positive in the morning and then struggled at night. He viewed this as "bipolar" and "visibly insane." He told me that I couldn't be positive (in his words "blow him off") and then expect him to care a few hours later. He had been trying to play a computer game and was angry that I was "demanding attention."

I know I need to leave, and I am trying to stand my ground this time. I have such difficulty understanding how he can be so kind one minute and the next causing me to question my own sanity. I find myself living with a sense of fear, never knowing when or why he's going to be set off again. I never would have imagined it would be this hard to leave a person who has hurt me so much.
MLockeven MLockeven
31-35, F
1 Response Aug 25, 2014

This is exactly what I'm going through right now and I haven't found the courage to leave yet because he apologizes and says he'll change and I believe it every time. Plus I have no where to go. His job and our subsequent move to a new state has left me isolated. The one time I did actually leave, I came right back and almost ruined a friendship to return. I'm too weak and scared to leave, I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone anymore.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Since writing this post, I managed to leave my boyfriend, and I cannot tell you what a relief it has been. Yes it was hard and painful, but knowing I don't have to walk on egg shells anymore or put up with verbal abuse...well, I couldn't go back. That said, being afraid to leave doesn't make you weak. I know how incredibly difficult it is, and I feel for you. I'm here if you need anyone to talk to.

thank you for offering to speak to me, it's nice to know I have someone to talk to that's been through it. I think my main issue is that he's convinced me that it's in my head and things are better than I think they are. I'm lost.

That is such a big part of emotional abuse...making you feel like everything's in your head or that everything is actually your fault. It isn't, but it's easy to lose yourself in the manipulation. I know that I began to question everything I said and did, thinking I was in the wrong, wondering if I was blowing his behavior out of proportion. I felt stupid talking to anyone about it because I couldn't seem to leave him and didn't want to irritate anyone. Have you considered seeing a counselor? It can be very helpful to have someone "objective" to reaffirm that what you're experiencing is, in fact, abuse and perhaps give you some help in regards to freeing yourself from the relationship.