In Need Of Advice For Coping With An Open Relationship.

Well I am more or less here to get in touch with someone who has been in my shoes,
thought they could handle it and take it with a grain of salt. . . . and be dead wrong.
I have found many articles on how to cope and deal with begining an open relationship for the first time.
They make sense, I understand, I just cant seem to fight off the feelings of jealousy (fear of abondonment, inadequicy, lack of love etc) and its starting to really bother me. Been with my man for almost a year and a half now. And he has chosen to open our relationship so we can see other people. Im in no way bothered....just have insecurities. I want to know if anyone has any tips or suggestions or is just willing to chat. I am all for the new experience I just need to know how and if I can kick what society and distilled in our minds.
Being told all your life and around your life that when 2 people are together thats who they stay with, be with in any way.
And now trying to reverse it and get my mind to figure out how to not be jealous. I know my man loves me, and will come home and be with me after his rounds, I know he cares and wants me. Just having issues with mind over matter.
So if anyone feels like sharing some advice or chatting PLEASE feel free to speak your mind.

Thank you for your time

Fellow human
copingstrategy copingstrategy
22-25, F
9 Responses Jan 6, 2011

I too am in this same boat. We have been together 2 years and it is something we have discussed but recently it's been the only thing we have arguments or fight about. I feel as if he is pushing me to get this right and I just can't seem to open up my mind to it and get over the fear of not being good enough. I feel like if I don't get this right soon he is just going to start cheat on me ( he cheated last April). I feel like if I can't get this right in my head that I will loose him forever.

I'm in the same boat

I have Ben with my wife for 7 year we have 3 kids together and she has asked me for an open relationship ... It breaks my heart because I feel like if.I were a better man she wouldn't.want sex with other men ... My heart bleeds every day when.I think.about it ... I really want for her because I want her happiness but right my life I don't want it for myself .. please someone figure out what's wrong with me & figure out how to be a man about this instead of a sappy blubbering cry baby .... Someone somewhere please I can't lose my wife world my everything my heart ...

Ask her why she wants an open relationship, most of the time its not because your inadequate, its just that after being with you for so long, she wants diversification, the feeling of intrigue and mystery that she got when she first started dating you now has faded because she's so familiar with you. If she wants one because you are inadequate in some way try to fix it, (if she feels that you aren't paying enough attention to her, start paying more attention to her so she no longer desires to have an open relationship) If its something you can't fix (ie: you are physically incapable of sexual performance that pleases her) then still ask her to not do it, knowing that she's having sex with men who presumably are better than you in bed isn't going to help you and is going to drive you apart. This will only result in divorce or a dysfunctional family which isn't good for your kids to deal with.

my rational mind tells me its cool to be in an open relationship. my jealousy stems from my insecurity despite the fact that he cares for me, tells me that he will always be there.
We neither of us talk about love nor use the word love because of past relationship traumas. I feel that if he were able to tell me that he loved me then my jealousy will diminish. However, I do not want to tell him that I love him for fear of frightening him off.
I also find that being busy is the best cure .......

I too am relatively new to the lifestyle, but it is a choice I have wanted for a long time. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man for over a year now, and I too have the feelings that you describe. One thing that I have read and rings true is that if your relationship is solid and all your needs are met together, than the feelings of jealousy should subside. In my relationship, we are only looking for a little extra spice on the side, the intimacy is for our relationship alone. When you are having these feelings of jealousy, ask yourself why? (For example - Is it because the sex between you is lacking and his sleeping with others over you hurts?) Look inside yourself for the reasoning and then talk about it in a constructive manner. There is an excellent book called 'Opening Up' by Tristan Taormino that helped us greatly to overcome how we combat jealousy and to communicate better.

I am in the exact same situation as a guy and would like to know how you deal with this over time. I know my GF loves me and I love her. And I know this because she has been totally honest with me throughout this rough patch. She wants an open relationship just for the sake of sex. At first, I thought I might be OK with it but once the deed was done I have had many mixed feelings of jealously, inadequacy and lack of love (just like you). There's a lot more to the story as well but it would be too long to jot down here. Please let me know how you cope with this (or how things pan out) as I feel totally broken inside right now. If you'd like to know more about my situation, please let me know.

I am trying to overcome my own jealousies by being happy about my partner enjoying other people. It helps me to actually envision him with others, and try to feel good about him feeling good, and opening my heart to his joys,even if that doesn't always include me. I think it helps to know your partners other partners too. I think with more and more individual practice, good communication between partners when there are concerns , practicing compassion when either person feels bad, and working it out together helps a lot. It's much easier when everyone feels safe, and well loved.

You all sound so level headed and mature. When my boyfriend asked do I want to meet his potential other friend/sex partner, I said no because I'm afraid I will do something awful like punch her. I am struggling with the open relationship concept. And when I think of them together I want to throw up. Nothing has happened yet, but his intentions are clear. I need to figure myself out because I HATE the idea of an open relationship with this man - it is the most intimate relationship either of us has known. I just can't feel the same about him if he's going to be ******* other women. Any advice would be welcome.

I think I would enjoy staying in touch with you as you work through your jealousies. I thought they would never be a problem as we opened our marriage. I have lots of rational thoughts. But at times they get overwhelmed by frustrated emotions and what I can only call jealousies. While there are always things for us to work on in our marriage....there are some things that I feel are for me to work on myself. If you'd like to share your feelings, I'm sure we may find that we have a lot in common. Let me know.<br />

Its not for everybody, and statistics show it's not really for anybody. <br />
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Studies have shown that 80 percent or more of couples in open marriages experience jealousy over their extramarital relationships. [14] [15] Jealousy with its roots in open marriage can lead to serious conflicts. Even when jealousy is not an overwhelming problem, open marriage may cause other complications. For example, a five year study of bisexuals observed a shift from open relationships to sexually monogamous relationships in many participants because they "felt that nonmonogamy was too time consuming, took too much energy, or was too complicated. They also thought that it got in the way of developing love, trust, and more intimate relationships with a partner." (Weinberg, Williams, & Pryor, 1995, page 262) [10] Numerous authors have argued that open marriages disrupt relationships by interfering with intimacy and provoking insecurities. [1] [22] [23] [24] [25]<br />
Wikipedia-[CITE]<br />
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You should examine the life style. Is it fulfilling? Is it making you happy? Do you really feel an uncontradictuary love? <br />
Love can be mixed with lust very easily. Make sure he loves you. Maybe ask him to stop the openness for a while. If his response is retaliation, maybe he has the two confused. Commitment to your partner is very important.