What Happened To My Life

Ok so here it goes this is my first blog EVER! It all started when I was in High school. I meet a a boy I believed to be my soul mate we loved each other dearly and he was prefect in every way and completed me we had been dating since middle school the tragically I lost him he had bought his sports car one that he had been saving for for a long time and we had taken it out for the first time and we were t-boned he was driving and that was the side of impact his body crushed he grabbed my hand blood surrounding us and said to me "I LOVE YOU" those words pierce my mind every day I replied"don't say those things to me" knowing he was trying to say goodbye. I must have blacked out because the next thing I know his dad came to me in the hospital and told me that he died on scene I felt like a part of me had died our life together flashed before my eyes we had a plan to go to college together and then start careers and buy a home and have babies all of that now gone torn away from me and us. I looked down at my hand and took his class ring off my finger and handed it to his father and said "you need this more than I do". So here I was all alone lost and confused so I meet a man twice my age and had a baby almost imediatly needless to say that did not work. So I took my baby girl and moved to Florida to be with my only grandmother were things did not work I felt as though I was a child again under her thumb and rules so I moved to Maine were I had a friend and got my own place and started college for nursing and met a man I though I loved and we had a marriage planned and my grandmother was going to loan us the money to buy a home and start his own business well we conceived a child together and shortly after my sons birth I found out he had been cheating on me the entire pregnancy so here I was two kids and a single mom my son was later to be diagnosed with a rare brain condition scary stuff he is now disabled. During this time I meet a man who was supposed to just be someone to help me heal someone to just might I say "Friends with benefits type thing" well birth control failed and now here I was pregnant yet again. At the time I found out I was pregnant I had chosen not to talk to this man anymore because he wanted a more committed Relashonship than I wanted so I called his sister and told her I was pregnant and it was her brothers to let him know to call. So he did call finally and I told him I was giving the baby up for adoption because it was in the best interest of the child there was no way I could take care of three on my own one with special needs. He immediately objected and asked to come into my life and home to help me with my kids and me while I was pregnant and prove himself to me so I said YES! He was great he helped pay for my other two children and helped with my sons medical needs amazing right. My pregnancy was so easy so we decided to keep the child and raise her. Well things were good for about a year or so and then we joined a church that basically brainwashed us into marriage. After that our realshonship started to decline. I lost interest in him and he did me as well. I started to see the real him he becomes impatient and angry. He is hard to communicate with because he has very little education and no desire to presue a better life. He stopped working and now I work full time to support us as a CNA. I also have no drivers license and have been working towards one have tested twice and failed i am hoping the next time will be the day when i achieve my freedom third times a charm right? So I rely on him for child care while I work and to be my taxi I have looked into getting help with child care but between my child support and my son disability checks and my wages I make to much. Go figure i Recive no help NONE from the government. How am I to pay for childcare if I leave him. So I have turned to online chat rooms and dating sites for romance and affection. Me and husband do not even sleep together in the same bed anymore. In fact last night was our 1 year aniversey and we did not even get along for that we sleep apart. And today well Happy Mothers Day ha ha ha ha ha. I have kissed a man at work and god did it feel good he is married too and we need this but the only time we see each other or talk is at work. I am so lost and hate my marriage and husband. Tell me I am not alone.
adionnemom adionnemom
26-30, F
May 13, 2012