I Need Guidance
I am 22 years old, a senior in college and applying to grad school out of state. I have a loving and supportive family and two amazing friends that I can always count on for support. I have a boyfriend of five years, we have been together since I was in high school, but we have always had a difficult relationship. Now he has to decide if he wants to go out of state with me to grad school and at first I thought I wanted him to but now I'm not so sure. I don't know what I want anymore. Sometimes I want to be in this relationship but other times I want to go to grad school alone. I've told him how I felt and he is determined to make it work but I'm not as determined. We have always fought, and it's not bickering or an arguement here and there, but rather full out fighting and yelling on a constant basis. I've been so unhappy lately. I know he loves me but I don't know how much I love him anymore. I think I know what needs to be done but he is so determined to hang on to me but at the same time he gets so angry and it's impossible to talk to him. I feel like we are no longer what we want from eachother. I don't know what I want to get out of this blogging thing or whatever it is I'm doing. I think my friends are tired of hearing my problems when nothing changes and this isn't the type of thing I talk to my family about. I feel so lost and lonely and I feel so bad about myself in these situations. I am an independent person, I just need hope, wherever it might lead me. Obviously I am meant to go through this to learn something from it, I just don't know what it is yet. Me and my boyfriend have some good times, but lately the bad outweigh the good and I have to figure this out soon. I sometimes feel like he will be the only guy that will love me and starting over is such a scary thought. Please, someone, whatever advice you have for me would be welcomed. I just want to be happy again.