Stupid Heart...

I have the most wonderful boyfriend one can think of: understanding, loving, caring, sweet, funny, a good friend... but I am in love with another guy.

This other guy... let's call him "P", and I have been together a few times, and I didn’t feel guilty at all for cheating on my boyfriend because what I feel for "P" is so strong that I can’t be anything but happy... but he is not really interested in me, and that hurts so much... I am sick and tired of crying for P. because he leaves the bar with another girl or because he comes to my house, spends the whole night "playing" with me, and then he leaves without any explanation...

When I first met him, the first thing he told me was "I like you". He was "chasing" me for more than a month, making me feel so special and now that I fell, he does not care anymore...  I am sure he will try to be with me again, sooner or later, because he knows I am always here for him (I can't help it, I just love him so much) and I'll be the happiest girl in the world, but that'd hurt even more the next time I see him with another girl...

The truth is that I KNOW anything between us is simply impossible, he is a kid (he is only 22) he does not know what he wants... he is still in love with his ex girlfriend... he is moving to Australia in 6 months and I am moving back to my home country (which is not Australia) in 3 months. If I know all that... why can't I simply move on???

And the worst part comes now… the first time I was with P, I thought everything he said to me was true, and that he really cared about me… so I broke up with my boyfriend. I hurt him so much. But when I finally realized P was not interested in me in the same way I am, I called my boyfriend and told him I made a mistake and I wanted him back… So now we are together again… but I am still in love with P, and if he comes to me again I will be with him with no remorse. I know P is not in love with me… and I don’t want to lose the good guy.

So yes, I am a horrible person… selfish, cheater, naïve (up to some extent)… and I have my heart completely broken…

P will always be so special for me… I know the day I die I will remember him. He is a whole chapter in my life, but he will definitely forget about me as soon as we move to our countries of origin…For him I am less than a line in his “story”.

I am in love and it hurts so much... me and others around me.

 

SarahAshley SarahAshley
22-25, F
4 Responses Feb 25, 2009

girl i know what you feel..in fact i come to your blog here because of the very same reason..he's 23 years old younger than me a few years...he's still in love with his ex girlfriend..not that interested in me..but i like him a lot, he cares about me.., only as a friend. yeah it sucks to be in love but not loved back in returns.

oh just forget about both of them and **** on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lol........

omg. i sooo know how you feel girl! i am in a similar situation and yes we suffer when we dont hear anything from them but we know that sooner or later they will call and we go running back into thier trap....sad but true i do it all the time and he knows that no matter what im going to go....even if it hurts me

I feel for you i know what its like but i can telll that your hurt is soo much stronger. dont put yourself down you want P soo much you cat help it and we are only o this earth for a limited amount of time live it up be with him. P will always have a place for you in his mind your not just some lay live your life to the fullest even if that means cheating a little